Lets time-warp up to the 80’s…
Place: Duluth International Airport (Seriously?…International?)
Players: Me and my husband, daughter; my sister and her family; a group of strangers
Scene: We are all out on the observation deck waiting for my parent’s flight to come in. See plane coming so we all are standing at the north window…plane lands and taxi’s over to the other side of the deck so we all move emnmasse to the other side. Somehow my sister’s 6yr old son gets behind me and I fall on top on him. Everyone turns to look as my nephew struggles to get out from under me and all I can do is laugh. My husband is loudly whispering, “Get up, people are looking at you”. Like I didn’t know that? The only way to save face in this situation is to just laugh like it’s no big deal!!
The next really big fall happens in the next millennium.
Place: The big conference room at the Edgewater Motel.
Players: Me, my friend Connie, a room full of rug hookers
Scene: It was during a week long rug school that I was attending and I was chatting with a bunch of women and I was walking away when my friend said something funny . Never one to let an opportunity pass to give my two cents worth of comic commentary, I whipped around to say my shtick. At least my top part of my body whipped around…my bottom half was still heading in the other direction. Well there must be some law of physics that I broke because I found myself going backwards at warp speed unable to stop…..faster and faster I went all the while my arms were whirling like some frantic human windmill. It all happened in slow motion and I remember thinking, “Oh this is going to end badly and painfully” and for once in my life, I was right! I crashed into the banquet tables that the ladies were sitting at, smashing my head on the edge of the table, eyeglasses went flying off my face and hitting my head a second time under the table on the leg brace. Picture this…..most of the ladies at this event are retirement age or older so they are shocked at the behavior of my friend who was laughing hysterically at the sight she just witnessed. She said I looked like the guy in that stop smoking commercial who goes crashing backward throughout his office building to the outside to have a smoke. And she had known me long enough not to be surprised at anything I did. I, of course, was laughing hysterically myself, still under the table. The ladies were sure I had either had a heart attack or a seizure and they wanted me to lay still and call for help. It took a few minutes to assure them that I was OK and I didn’t need help (just a new pair of panties!). The next day I wore a helmet with a sign on the back that read: “WARNING: THIS WOMAN BACKS UP UNEXPECTEDLY”
My latest fall happened just last month and I think it was my best one to date.
Place: Waiting room at the OB/GYN office
Players: Me, a guy I went to high school with, strangers and the ultrasound nurse
Scene: As I was checking in, I noticed a man sitting all by himself in the waiting room that I had gone to high school with. My first thought was, “Crap, of all days not to wear make-up” and my second one was to wonder if I could pretend not to recognize him. But I figured he would wonder why I didn’t say hello so I sucked it up and went over to him feigning happiness in seeing him again. Well I needn’t have worried about him recognizing me as I had to explain to him who I was. I sat down next to him and we began to chat. I should have known it could only go downhill after he asked if I was pregnant. OK, I might look pregnant but holy crap, I am 57 so the chances of me being pregnant should be pretty dang slim even to a guy who never married. So now I am getting embarrassed, thinking, “Holy crap, I must really be a cow if old Roy boy thinks I am pregnant” and when I get embarrassed I kinda run on all cylinders. So there I am, talking a mile a minute, not even making any sense and the ultrasound nurse comes out and calls my name. In my haste to escape, I somehow got my feet tangled up in my purse handles and as I was attempting to get up and away, I stepped forward and before I knew what was happening, I was on my way down to the floor. I had just had both wrists operated on and in my frantic attempt to break my fall, I landed on my wrists, undoing any benefits of said operations. The look on the nurse’s face was priceless. She came running over to me asking if I was ok and what was I doing?…..laughing like a hyena, trying to get up more gracefully than I had gone down. I never even turned around to see what Roy had done or what the other folks in the waiting room had done. I had just hoped that no one had gotten it on video. I couldn’t stop laughing and I had the nurse laughing and apologizing for laughing during my whole appointment. She did come up with a silver lining to my humiliation. “At least you didn’t wet your pants when you fell”. I have since taken that as my life motto. No matter what happens to me now, I can always tell myself, “At least you didn’t wet your pants”!