THE FART

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Flatuence, gas, tooting, ripping, cutting the cheese, breaking wind, fluffing, passing gas, butt burps and my personal favorite, blowing the butt bugle.  Do you know there is a Fart Thesaurus?  It is astounding how many other words there are for flatus.  You gotta take a few minutes and look it up!

Why am I writing about this tonight?  I’ve always heard you should write about what you know and I know I get gas.  As a matter of fact, I have it right now and since I am at work and the apartment is as still as death, I am at a terrible disadvantage.  My client is in her bedroom just a room away and for an elderly person she has great hearing and so if I try to release some of the pressure and it’s a “loud but scent-free”, she will hear it and I will be embarrassed.  A “silent, but deadly” would be ok but that’s the trouble with butt burps, you never know how they are going to come out.

So let’s talk about the different kinds of farts there are.  First you have the little “pffffts”, soft and delicate, not normally aromatic.  These are good for most social situations where there is some noise.  Let out some of these and no one will be the wiser. Then you have the “putt putts”, short bursts of semi-quiet, not smelly farts.  Children often have these.   And old people as they walk, which I think actually propels them forward.

Men have their own types of farts in which games are made of.  “Pull my finger/toe/foot” is an old game.  The farter asks the victim to pull a body part and when the person (almost always a child) does so, a loud fart is heard,  scaring the child and scarring them for life.   Men also seem to like to lift a leg while farting.  One wonders what would happen if they didn’t lift, would they rise above their chairs like hot air balloons?  Another tactic is to be walking  and start wiggling in their pants like they are trying to shake something down their leg.  Or when walking in public, to fart and then to turn around and look  (like they heard it but didn’t do it).  Married men like to torture their mates by farting in bed and then waving the sheets to evacuate the stench from under the covers.  Or while driving in the car and letting loose with a SBD and saying there must be something outside as the mate gasps for breath. Women seem to do more “fluff and flee”.  How many times have you been in a store and walked into a cloud of “eggsalad air”?  Or worse, been at a party talking to a group and one of the women lets loose and either casually walks away before the full odor materializes, or stays but is bold enough not to blush.  Everyone stands around wondering who did it and hoping no one thinks it was them.  And what about the times you were by yourself and let one rip and someone walks in.  “Did they hear it?”   And what about the smell?  If you are lucky there is a dog in the room.  Dogs are always letting loose with some of the foulest gas known to mankind.  Blame the dog.  Or the baby.  Kids won’t stand by and be blamed without ratting on you.  As a matter of fact, kids have been known to fart loudly and then turn to a parent and say in a loud voice, “MOM!”     We can’t forget the other types of farts either; the balloon~sounds like air being slowly let out of a balloon; the sharp “POP”~when someone I know does this in bed, it scares the crap out of me;  the long, long. long fart~this one usually follows a night at a friend’s home where the gas has been building up for hours and you have had no way to let it out until you get into your car and you are headed down the driveway.  It goes on and on and on and you think it will never end and you will turn yourself inside out before it is over.  Thank goodness those are never stinky cause you would kill everyone in the car; the “was it just gas or do I need to change?” fart~I’m sure everyone has had one of these. I must admit to having to change more than once, but thankfully never out in public, tho I have known folks who had to toss their undies and head for home after having one of these wet fakes; and last but not least, the bomber~this is the one that makes boys laugh and is in all SNL alumni movies……all of them.

So there you have it, a layman’s guide to flatuence.   Everything you never wanted to know and oh, so much more.  It’s almost 4am, I still have gas and so I am going to go and read the Fart Thesaurus and hope that something kicks on to make some noise so I can sneak some gas out before morning or I’ll be a walking pressure cooker!

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