Monthly Archives: January 2013

ARE YOU MY MOTHER?

Standard

Those who know me, know that my husband is 5.5 years younger than me.  He was barely out of high school when I nabbed him and he has always looked at least 10 years younger than he really is.  After we had been married a couple of years, my dad figured out how much older I was than my husband (he never was real good at math!) and one day he said to me in a voice filled with surprise, “Man, you really robbed the cradle”.  When we got married, I think my dad was just so happy that he no longer would have to mow my lawn or fix my car or do my home repairs that I could have married a junior high student as long as he could do those things for me!

About the time I was 35 and hubby was not yet 30, I decided to let my hair go natural (as in pretty grey) and I was into a more “Mother Earth” mode so I was wearing mostly jumpers and shifts and had let my hair get shoulder-length and being almost as round as I was tall, I suppose I had a “matronly” vibe going.  My husband dropped me off at a little store in Carlton while he went to the feed store and then was supposed to come into the store to get me since I could spend hours in there without some gentle prodding that it was time to go.  So I am shopping away and my daughter was with me and there was a man also in the store and two store clerks.  Now this particular store was also a craft store so they had long craft tables that you would sit at during the after-store hours classes.  Hubby came in (he had just gotten a brand new leather jacket and had sunglasses on and had a “flat-top” haircut and was spanking clean-faced) and he sat down on one of the chairs next to the table and I was checking out with my back to him.  The woman who was standing next to the check-out lady says to him, “Can I help you?” and I being the person I am, jumped in and spoke for my husband.  “Oh, he’s with me”, I said.  To whit the check-out woman chirps in a loud voice, “Oh isn’t that nice, he waiting for his MOTHER”!!!!   I could feel my face turning bright red and the other woman quickly says, “Oh Barb, that’s not her son, that’s her husband”.  Now, when I get embarrassed, I talk really fast and my voice gets higher and higher so there I am trying to make jokes but no one can understand me cause I sound like a chipmunk who had just inhaled helium and taken two hits of speed and the man who had been standing next to me starts laughing and I whip around and say to him in a voice that was so high and squeaky that all the mice in the shop came running out to pay homage to their Queen, “What are you laughing at”?

Well, I tell ya, I couldn’t get out of that shop fast enough.  Not only was I humiliated but I knew that my husband would NEVER let me forget that I was taken for his mother.  As we left in the car, I was practically in tears and my dear daughter says, “You know mom, if they thought dad was a teenager, you could have a son that age”.   That did make me feel better until we stopped at Walmart and I ran in and got a big ‘ol box of hair dye!

LOVE IS

Standard

love is
fear
yelling
hitting
punching
crying
darkness
terror
silence
betryal
jealousy
frustration
lies
despair
emptiness
heart-breaking
sadness
tears
closets
belts
sorrow
hiding
confusion
anger
isolation
secrets
masks
reaping
fleeting
untrue
conditional
disappointing
guilt
joyless
unsafe
selfish
false
lust
compensating
painful
love is

SELF-CENTERED OR CENTERING SELF?

Standard

Someone told me the other day that I was self-centered.  So I decided to look up the definition of the word to see if perhaps they were right.

Self-centered:  1.  concerned solely or chiefly with one’s own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical.     2.  independent, self-sufficient.    3. centered in oneself or itself.

Okay, let me start with #1.  Am I concerned solely about myself?  Hmmm. I spend at least 40 hours a week putting someone else’s needs before my own.  And that is just one person.  So if there are 168 hours in a week, less 56 for sleeping, that gives me 112 hours to be awake.  So if I were only interested in that one person besides myself, I would be thinking only of me 72 hours a week.  Which would be 10.29 hours a day.  My husband works 12 hour shifts, five days a week so if I spend 1 hour a day on his needs that brings me to 9.5 hours to think just of me a day.  Ok, I usually spend 30 minutes a day praying for others…down to 9 hours.  I am usually always available to babysit, visit with a friend, help someone in need, open my house to anyone needing to talk or get away from their struggles and of course, because these things aren’t weekly I can’t put an hour value on these.  But let’s just say I have 6 hours everyday just for me.  That is 25% of my life.

#2.  Independent and self-sufficient.   Guilty as charged.   I HATE asking for help.  Not because I think I can do it all but because I don’t want to put anyone out or take them away from something else.  I put their needs before mine (real or imagined).

#3.  Centered in oneself.   I suppose I am.  I only have so much energy to expend.  I can give only so much of myself before my body physically starts to breakdown.  And I can only have so much of other people’s burdens in my brain before it too, starts to break down.

So how do we decide between the negative “self-centered” and the healthy “centered-self”?   Do others get to decide which label to attach to us?   Is there a percentage of time that I should spend on others that negates the time spent on myself?  What if I give my best to some and only what I have left to others?   How do I decide who gets what from me?  And what about me?  Are we only supposed to get the crumbs of our life energy?  I try to live as Christ would have me live.  I give as much of myself to others as I humanly (in the condition I am in today) possible.  But there are times I have to stop and put myself first or I will have nothing to give anyone else.  I get so frustrated that other people seem to know what I should be doing better than I do.  Can they see into my soul, my heart, my brain.  Do they get a daily printout of all the things I have done, thought, prayed about?  STOP LABELING ME!  Stop thinking you know everything about me.  There is only One who does and I strive daily to be as He would have me.  Unless you have gotten a message from Him directly, do not attempt to alter me.  He will change me as He sees fit and I WILL listen to His voice.  You know, I may not be the person you see me as.  I am His and I listen for His will for my life.

Conclusion?   Yes, I do spend time on myself, for myself, about myself because I am worthy of consideration, too.  I have needs the same as you do and sometimes, yes I am going to say it…I PUT MYSELF FIRST.    So, I guess you can add self-centered to my litany of labels others have placed on me.  But I know the label I am most proud of and not matter what you say about me or to me, that label will stand the test of time and for all eternity.  I AM A CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD AND I AM LOVED BY HIM JUST BECAUSE I AM.

NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY

Standard

On my way home from work this morning, I went thru the drive-thru at McD’s (Hi, my name is Robyn and I am a junk food junkie.  I went 14 days without stopping at a drive-thru.  I fell off the wagon today.) and as usual, I try to be cheerful and friendly to the person who is taking my order (I try so hard to treat others as I would like to be treated) and when I drove up to pay I commented on the woman’s beautiful purple nails.  I love to compliment strangers.  I know the zing I get when someone comes up to me and tells me something nice.  It’s like an unexpected gift and I love re-gifting!  Anyway, the woman thanked me and said how much she appreciated my cheerfulness in giving my order.  She said that the person before me got ticked at her when she was too slow in giving him his change and drove off in a huff.  She said she then went up to the front window and asked the man if he would like his change and he replied, “Obviously”.  “I don’t expect to have to wait at a McDonalds”.   My goodness have we really come to this?  You can’t wait 10 seconds to get your change?  I said to the woman, “How sad”, meaning I felt sorry for her but bless her soul she thought I meant the man and she said, “Yes, wasn’t he”.  And she was so right.  What trials was he going thru that would cause him to be so rude to a mature adult?  Or to a young person.  Age doesn’t matter.  We spoke of how the rest of his day was set by this tone and how her’s could have been had she let his actions spark a reaction in her.  This woman turned the other cheek.

As I sat in the parking lot eating my usual egg and cheese biscuit, I thought about that man and was led by the Spirit to pray for him.  I prayed for whatever was wrong in his life that led him to speak to that woman that way.  I asked God to send His love to him through someone today.  He is a hurting soul.

In my many years of being a woman of faith, I have been prompted to pray for strangers mostly in private and to myself but some times He actually has me go up to someone and ask if they would mind if I pray for them.  I always preface it with, “You are gonna think I’m nuts but….” and by the time I am done, they are usually so thankful.  Now I tell you this not to have you think me prideful but to show you how God can use us in so many different manners if we are just willing to be obedient to His promptings.  This man I prayed for today will never know it but what if by my lifting him up to God for a blessing on his life, his day turns out better.  You all know about the “ripple effect”.  How many times would a tragic act have not occurred if someone had taken the time to pray when nudged by the Spirit for someone?  I firmly, 100% believe God hears our prayers and acts on them.  We unleash His power in our life and others when we pray.  Do we always get the answers we want?  No.  Does it mean He doesn’t love us or we aren’t good enough or spiritual enough?  No.  Some times the answer is just NO, I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN MIND FOR YOU.  Have I struggled with Him over not answering my fervent prayers.  You are darn tootin’ I have.  Someday I will write about an incident where my faith was shaken to the core when He didn’t answer in the manner I and many others were expecting.

Ok, I didn’t want to preach at you.  I just wanted you to understand that you can be used by God anywhere and anytime if you just say, “Here I am Lord, use me as You will”.   And don’t be surprised if someday we are out together having lunch or shopping and I say, “Oh man…” and go to someone and ask if I can pray for them.  It is not easy for me to do it, as outgoing as I am, I still hope God will ask someone else to do it.  But I know from years of experience that when He calls me, I will have no peace until I obey.   But the look on my mom’s face when it happens when we are together is absolutely priceless.  She gets this panicked look and I swear she wants to run and hide.  So there, bam!  A blessing for me! LOL

JUDGE DREAD

Standard

The Bible says you will know a tree by it’s fruit.  My fruit has come into question again.  How can I, a professed woman of God, write about things that are not pure or lovely or holy?  And if to do so, might not my salvation be in question?  Why is that?  Does the fact that I write about bodily functions or less than perfect body parts negate the love of Christ I show to real people, living real lives.   Lives that aren’t necessarily holy or pure or lovely?

I came to the knowledge of Christ and his love and sacrifice as an unwed mother.  Certainly not pure, not holy.  I was a wretch, living a life of unGodliness.  Someone who I worked with had the love of Christ in them and I saw that love when I was at my lowest point and they accepted me, just as I was.   I want to be that person to others.  I want to be so real, so honest, so accepting that they will see the face of Christ IN me.  I want to let them see that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved by Him and to be used by Him.   My heart’s desire is to be His hands and His heart.  I want to hold the broken, the forgotten, the unlovely, and love them up with His love.   I want to serve the ungrateful and the crabby and the difficult with nothing but His patience and His kindness so they may feel love maybe for the first time in their miserable lives.   I was broken and healed and I want to help others to be healed like I was.  And sometimes it takes a fork in the path to find those people.  I believe that there may be people who will read my blog and enjoy my less than pure and holy humor and odd ball posts.  And they will stay and read more posts and  the Holy Spirit will touch them and they will want to know more about this Christ that I speak about because they can relate whereas if I was just writing pure and holy posts, they would never be interested.  Each person comes to the knowledge of Christ in a different manner and I want to be that “different” path that leads them to Him.

So my dearest friends who love me and worry about where I am headed spiritually, have I enlightened you at all.  Do you see that I feel called to a different way to the same end?  God alone knows the fruit that my tree bears.  If I am wrong, I will be accountable to Him but it will be with a pure heart and a holy purpose that I will give testimony of.    Can you  not bless me in my endeavors as I bless you in yours?

THE BLESSINGS OF FACEBOOK

Standard

It has been only a matter of hours since I posted my heart on my blog and thru the wonders of technology, I have been blessed by the outpouring of love from my “friends” on FaceBook.  When I talked about the box of love that I put my heart into to heal, you people are in there.  Believe it or not, I am a very private person when it comes to sharing my pain, but this was just too great a burden to carry alone.  So thank you.  Thank you for your comments and messages.  I can honestly feel your love (so there must be a piece of my heart still inside me!)  I will remember in my darkest hours that I am valued by people who have no blood ties to me and I will seek strength in the memory.  You have my humblest gratitude.  I truly love you all.

SEND IN THE CLOWNS…DON’T BOTHER I’M HERE

Standard

Since I often color my hair in unusual colors, colors that are not found in the mainstream hairdye section, I forget that I don’t look “normal”.   People often look at me with wonder in their eyes or even suspicion and I look back at them with a “What?” look and then I remember how I must appear to them !  It’s really funny when I am on an elevator and someone goes to get on with me.  I can see their hesitation and so I smile most charmingly so as to alleviate their fear that I am some psycho woman.  (No comments from my family, please.)  Right now my hair is half orange/red/blonde and it does look like that lunatic’s hair that killed all those people in the movie theater .  But come on people, how many mass murders are older, fat, out of shape, women?  I am only a threat if I lose my balance and fall on you….then you are in for a world of hurt.  And if you have read some of my other posts, you know that it could happen so if you happen to run into me, you better stand a few feet away!  But other than that, I’m totally harmless.

Men seem to like my hair more than women.  I often get young men who will comment favorably on my hair which always shocks me.  Women my age are the ones who look at me with the most disdain.  My dear mother would tell me it’s because they are “jealous” but somehow I don’t think that is it.  And anyone who thinks I dye my hair to try to look younger is so mistaken.  I would wear a pin on my chest stating how old I am since I could give a rat’s rump if you think 58 is old.  I color my hair because it pleases me to be colorful.   If I were thinner, I would cut my hair down to the nub and have my artistic daughter paint designs on my head with hair dye.  But at the size I am now, I’d look like some bizarre, upside-down, walking light bulb.   And if I continue to get those awful brown spots on my face, I may start to tattoo them.  If you’re gonna have spots on your face you might as well make them fun.  (On that note, I’m afraid to buy my grandson a Dot to Dot book as he may try to connect all my “dots”).

There is a wonderful blog called, “Advanced Style” (advancedstyle.blogspot.com) that has all these really funky\classy old broads that are on the streets of New York that this young man photographs.  These ladies are my heroes.  Next time you have an hour to kill, go to this blog and look at all the posts.  You will find ladies there that make me look conservative.  I would so fit in.   It’s almost like my dream peeps from Hunger Games.  I am so liking the blue hair of the show’s host played by Stanley Tucci.  I might just have to by that movie so I can watch all those people again.  Visual lust.  Color lust.   Gotta have color (conversely, I wear mostly black clothing….go figure!)

I did try to add some photos of my latest hair coloration but I am just too dumb to figure out how in Hades to do it.  Must be all those years of hair dyeing.  The chemicals have pickled my brain.  (Wouldn’t it be a scream if I ever had brain surgery and when they opened up my skull, my brain was colored!!!)  So if you want to see how I look now, check out my wall on Face Book.  I think I added some on there.

All this talk about hair dye makes me want to buy some more so I will sign off now to go and do some internet shopping on Idyemyhair.com

And if anyone wants to know how to add fun colors to your hair, just ask.  I have found a  product and a super easy way to do it (and CHEAP).

Yours to dye for,

The Queen