I have a bone to pick with all you gals who post giveaways on FB. Almost daily someone is posting photos of gorgeous cowboy boots. Those of you who know me well know I have a problem with impulse buying and by posting those pictures you made me be naughty and I spent HOURS and HOURS lusting after pair after pair of expensive-to die for-boots. I looked at hundreds of boots, thousands of boots, millions and billions of boots. I found a pair of Old Gringo black cowboy boots with multi-colored crosses on them. I had to have them. But I am a savvy shopper and know that each internet shop will have them for a different price or may be running a special or maybe a promo so I plunged head first into the land of comparison shopping. I searched high and low for the best price but even that was way out of my league. The boots were $570 and I could get 10% off but not free shipping (you had to choose one or the other). Now I believe cowboy boots at my age are an “investment” and a good pair of boots will probably last me until I can’t walk anymore and then they would become a piece of art in my home so the money would be well spent. But still…$570…I would have to work a week and a half extra just to pay for them…but dang, they are awesome….buy or not to buy..that was the question. As I was agonizing over my decision, I decided to check out some clearance boots on a site and there I found….THE MOST UNIQUE BOOTS I HAD EVER SEEN! They were like some kind of “cartoon” boots…brightly colored, retro 1950’s children’s book looking. I HAD TO HAVE THEM. And they were on CLEARANCE!!! With shaking fingers I hit the size button….I figured either a 7.5 or an 8 (I could wear thick socks) would do the trick.
Oh my gosh….size 8 is available. The boot gods are smiling on me tonight, I think. I press the Add To Cart button…I am so excited….what’s this?…..the size 8 are NO LONGER AVAILABLE….NOOOOOOOOO. Because I am at work, I stifle my scream of pain and click on the size button again….size 7 and size 9.5 are my only options. I quickly do the math….can I squeeze my 7.5 feet into a 7 or how many pairs of socks would I have to wear to fill the 9.5’s. I am desperate. I NEED those boots. My future happiness depends on getting those boots. But even tho they are on clearance they still are a hefty chunk of change. What to do? What to do? I decide to ask my friend, Google, to see if he can find them elsewhere. Oh sure, he says. Try this site. Try that site. Go here. Go there. Spend more hours searching for those damn boots. I find a pair! Eureka! I will find true life happiness now. Click on size….argh….size 6.5. Search more. Getting hysterical. GOTTA….HAVE….THOSE…BOOTS. I go back to my drug of choice, Ebay. Even tho I have checked and rechecked, I try one more time under a different heading and (cue the Hallelujah Choir…) THERE THEY ARE….IN A SIZE 8….NEVER WORN….AND THERE IS A “BUY IT NOW” BUTTON….AND I CAN AFFORD THEM (if I don’t get my hair cut for six months and don’t stop for fast food and don’t buy the cholesterol-lowering drugs I am supposed to take….I figure if I croak just open up the bottom half of my casket and show off my “kick ass” boots). As my finger is just above the Buy It Now button, it occurs to me that I don’t have that much money in my checking account….and I don’t have a credit card (whole nother blog…as I said, Ebay is my drug of choice). Oh no…now what? Do I take the chance that PayPal won’t deduct the amount before I can get to the bank in the morning (it is now 3am but I am working so I can’t get to the bank until 10am) or do I check my husband’s account to see if I can do some quick transferring of funds? Yikes, not enough in there either. But if I take all of his money and add it to my money at least if I get an overdraft charge it won’t be for as much as it would be if I don’t. Normally I would NEVER do this without asking him if it would be ok, but like I said, by now I am CRAZED to get those boots and willing to risk just about anything to get them. So I throw caution to the wind and hit the button. SOLD to the crazy lady with the wild eyes and equally wild hair ( I took the buzzer to my hair again earlier that day…not too bad of a job…and look, I saved $45 and I didn’t even know I would be needing it later that day…must have been Fate!)
I was in Boot Heaven. Then I got to thinking….WHY would someone buy these amazing boots and not even try them on (that’s what the seller said). Were they not as magical in real life as the photos? Did I just buy a whole lotta ugly? Couldn’t sleep a wink. Kept thinking of myself in my new boots, kickin’ up a storm in some honky-tonk, wearing a ruffled-tiered denim skirt and a scruffy cowboy hat and feeling like Miranda Lambert. How folks are gonna be stoppin’ me on the street to say, “Hey Girlfriend, where’d ya’ll get them there boots”? And I would laugh and say, “Sorry gals, these here boots ain’t available no more, I done got the last pair on the planet” and I would “boot scoot” away smiling a big ol grin. Yup, I gots big plans for life in them there boots.
I did have a mite of a heart-attack today when I saw that I had a message from the seller saying she couldn’t get FedEx to print out an address label. Seems it don’t want to accept my address and I couldn’t remember which address I go by on Ebay cause we have two addresses that we can use where I live and usually either one works but every so often, some computer program won’t recognize one of them and so I have to change it to the other. But like I said, I can’t remember which one I use, so I had to explain to her how it was because many sellers won’t mail a package off to an address that isn’t listed under your name. And she told me the story of the boots, how she had bought them for her granddaughter months before Xmas and the woman didn’t like them one bit and never even bothered to try them on and she waited too long to mail them back (been there, done that, had to give them away). So by the end of the week, the BOOTS TO END ALL BOOTS, will be mine and I will live happily ever after….or until someone posts something else that sends me into Shopping Hell. “Lead me not into temptation for I can get there well enough on my own”!!!!
And now for my tale of woe concerning Pinterest.
I was a hold-out for the longest time. I knew that once I delved into the land of digital delights, there would be no turning back. My already lax housekeeping would get even laxer as I spent countless hours “pinning” away. What I never counted on was being bombarded by the most mouth-watering photos of desserts and casseroles and desserts and meals and did I mention desserts? Now I know better than to go to the Food category but how can I resist when there I am, innocently looking at DIY projects and suddenly up pops a decadent chocolate cake or a chicken cashew casserole. I usually save my Pinterest surfing till late at night while I am working and dang, I get so hungry. I mean HUNGRY. And I usually try to just bring fruit or yogurt with me to snack on but after looking at those photos, I want real food. Lots of real food. I have been reduced to eating a hard, stale protein bar; tasteless old saltine crackers; Hershey Kisses that had fallen to the bottom of my tote bag and had parts of their foil missing and crud stuck to them; sticks of gum that I have chewed and swallowed and a whole host of other foraged tidbits all because some people don’t know what categories to pin things. If you are one of them, for the love of all that is good, have mercy on me! I am stuck with whatever food I bring and have no way to get anything else. You know what will happen to me if I keep swallowing my gum, don’t you? Remember what your mother told you…I will get a big wad of gum growing in my belly and will have to have an operation to get it out (ooooh, that’s why my belly is so big!) and who knows what germs lurk on my semi-naked Kisses? So please post your food pictures under FOOD and my tummy will thank you and I’ll drop hundreds of pounds, thousands of pounds, millions and billions of pounds.
Or I will come to your house and kick your a** with my new boots!