I did something today that I never, ever, do. I went outside. Not on my own volition, mind you. My king was going to mow the royal grounds and wanted ME to pick up the royal doggie doo. At first I was indignant, how dare he ask Her Royal Largeness to actually get out of her lazy arse chair and do such a lowly task but then I remembered that the only dog using the Royal Lawn was my “Curse of the Disobedient Wife”, Madd Maxx. (You will understand his Royal Title when I write my “tail” of woe about him.) So I hoisted my royal hump up and went out to pick up the brown diamonds that were littering our lawn. As I was admiring the various stages of decomposition of said diamonds, a strange thought floated through my brain…..”This isn’t too bad”! It was overcast and windy and on the cooler side so I had nothing to complain about weather-wise and since the King had hired a young peasant boy last week to come and rake, there was very little to actually pick up. I was more concerned about picking up woodticks than doggie poo as the grass had yet to be mowed. Even that wasn’t damping my enjoyment of being out in such lovely weather.
Then another strange thought wandered by….maybe I could pull weeds in my flower garden? What had overtaken my mind? To be outside AND to be working? These words are never put together in my royal mind. I grabbed my tiny little shovel and my pointy-shaped tool and began to hack away at what I thought might be weeds. I could figure out the difference between the budding flower things and the dandelions but the rest of the growing stuff was a crap shoot. Oh well, I was on a roll and so I dug up everything that I didn’t know what it was figuring that I wouldn’t miss it even if it was a flower since I don’t know what is planted where. I used to have a girl who lived here who knew about such stuff and would take care of the weeds. But she now has her own garden and babies to look after so I am on my own. I am going to do something wise this year as the flowers bloom, I am going to tie a piece of yarn to the stems so I know what not to pull next year!
As I was finishing my back-breaking task (all of 20 minutes), my King made me an offer I couldn’t refuse! If I mowed the yard, he would work on my little building that someday might become my tiny little studio/shoppe. Now I had not mowed the royal grounds in years (ever since that same girl who lived here was old enough to mow…why, yes her name was Cinderella, and she did most of the cooking and baking and laundry. No wonder I miss her so much!) but I thought it must be like riding a horse. You know…once you learn you never forget. Oh wait, I think the horse thing has to do with falling off of something….not a good sign as I am terrified of tipping over on the lawnmower. But I was feeling brave. Was I not OUTSIDE? Besides, how dangerous can something be that has a cup holder for goodness sake? So I spent a good hour or more making fun patterns in the tall grass (what….you are supposed to mow in a line?.. How boring.) And I even went up and down the tiny hills and only felt like I was going to tip a few times (there was a moment or two where the royal sphincter muscle was clenched tight). I was actually having fun…no sun beating down on me, my arm wings flapping the bugs away, the smell of freshly mowed grass and pine cones and tree branches (the King said stay away from rocks, he said nothing about mulching up tree branches, love the grinding sound of the blades whacking away at those branches) all I needed to be in heaven would have been some strong coffee with flavored creamer and a way to mow and shop online at the same time! I like to multi-task.
Next time I mow (if the conditions are right…I have already told the King that I will only mow if it isn’t sunny or hot or buggy. You got to set up some guide lines or he will expect me to mow every week! And I will expect a fun new travel mug to drink coffee with while I mow and a bungee cord to strap my ipad to the steering wheel so I can surf the Web) I think I’ll wear my new cowboy boots and buy myself a chic cowboy hat and play some country music on my iphone and pretend I am plowing the “back 40”.
A Queen’s gotta do what a Queen’s gotta do!