FENG SHUI…OY VEY

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As per my morning routine, I was perusing the latest issue of Real Simple magazine, when I came upon an article on the age-old Chinese practice of Feng Shui.   For those of you who live under a rock, feng shui is the art of arranging things for the best possible life (of you, not the thing).  Since I am always looking for easy ways to enrich my life, I decided to read the aforementioned article.

I should have stopped at the description and called it a day.

“Tips for making every room in your house feel calm and happy.”

Oh great, not only do I have to worry about making my family/friends/clients/strangers happy, now I have to make my rooms happy.  I can feel the tension starting to give me a stomach ache.  But as they say, “In for a penny, in for a pound” so I read on.

“Meaningful items in a neat, uncluttered display are the hallmark of good feng shui.”

Dang, I decorate in Early Clutter, Antique Clutter, Retro Clutter, Primitive Clutter and What the Heck is That? Clutter.  It’s not that I try to stick to my clutter decor but clutter clings to me like my clothes without Static Guard.  No matter how hard I try, I am a clutter magnet.

“Feng shui is a practice based on the idea that our homes are a mirror of what’s happening inside us.”

image This is a panorama photo of what my house looks like today.  It’s like Feng shui had the flu and clutter puked all thru the house.  I am drowning in crap.  The ONLY room in my whole, entire house that has some semblance of order is the room where “crap” is acceptable!

So if my house is a mirror of my life, I am screwed.

“The purpose of feng shui is to get your environment in alignment with who you are and where you want to go-to harmonize your energy with your home’s energy.”

I have no energy.  So my house has no energy.  OR do I have no energy BECAUSE my house is sucking my energy out of me?  Well that puts a whole new spin on things.  The article says that everything has energy, even inanimate objects.  So all this clutter crap has been stealing my energy all these years and growing bigger all on it’s own.  And here I was, believing I was sick when really my house clutter is a energy vampire….sucking, sucking, sucking my energy and causing me to order more clutter crap from ebay to keep the cycle going.  Hah!  I am on to you, Vampire House Clutter.

So how do I kill the VHC?   Should I fling garlic all thru the house?  Order some silver bullets and place them in the heart of the clutter piles?  Call  Buffy the Professional House Organizer?   I know I am not strong enough to conquer it on my own, for heaven knows I have tried.

But what will happen if I get the house decluttered?  Will my mind and life just automatically declutter itself?  Is this a trick question?

I think a clutter vampire just bit me as I can feel my miniscule energy leaving me and my unmade bed beckoning me….but at least my bed is in a feng shui position.  It’s foot is not facing the door which is called the “coffin position” (because it’s how the dead are removed in China….um, aren’t all dead people taken out thru the door no matter where you live?  Do some countries chuck their deceased out the windows?  Up the chimneys?  Down garbage shutes? ).

I think I’ll feng shui another day…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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3 responses »

      • Clutter Vampires do not enter because I have lots of garlic. They’re afraid of the Cross, too, aren’t they? And I have organized clutter. I just know which pile to dig in to find what I want… it’s a well-honed skill that’s taken decades to perfect.

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