Do you ever feel like no matter what you do or who you make yourself over to be, it is never “good enough”? Not necessarily in the eyes of others (tho, sometimes there is never anyway some people are ever going to be pleased with you because you are not what they think you “should be”) but in your own eyes?
My husband is one of the most complimentary men I have ever known. He has never made me feel less than perfect….ever.
My friends all love me and tell me so.
My crafts/art make people happy and some of them even help heal their hearts.
My mom and my sister have finally 🙂 accepted my quirkiness and sometimes even brag about how “different” I am.
On the outside, I have a really pretty good life and I am so very appreciative of what God has given me and brought me thru. I am who I am because of all the factors of the past 59 years.
So why do I feel so “worthless”? So replaceable? So non-neccessary?
Where does this self-loathing come from? There are many days where I really can’t stand myself. Can’t wait to leave this life. Not because of circumstances but because I have no compelling reason to stay. And I don’t say that out of a “woe is me” mentality. As I have said, I have a good life.
Yes, I love my husband and my family and know that they would miss me…I know it in my head and I don’t doubt it. I do not feel they would be better off without me. It all comes back to that inner feeling of “no worth”.
As a Christian, this is so not what the Bible teaches. I have worth because God made me. Period. My head knows that.
My head knows all of this.
But there is such an emptiness in my soul…and I know it comes from the pit of Hell. I belive in the devil and how he would like nothing better than to destroy me and all that God has planned for me and my future.
Well, there you go. It just FINALLY dawned on me that that is the REASON for my thoughts. Because I HAVE WORTH he wants to kill me. Somebody must have been praying for me in the past few minutes as I feel as tho the sun has just broken into the darkness of my soul. It is like a wall has come crashing down and I am free. For those who do not have a belief in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, you must think I am bipolar or certifiably nuts but those who KNOW the power of God know how this can happen!!!!!!!!!
There is now such a hope in me! I can make it. I am stronger than my circumstances. I do matter. I matter to Christ. I matter to others. I FEEL it now!
Whoever you are, keep praying! God heard you and He answered! Thank you for your faithfulness, for listening to His voice. Your obedience has helped change my outlook on my life! Let me know who you are so we can talk!!!!
I am filled with so much happiness now….it is one of the many miracles that I have seen in my life.
For those of you who are struggling with issues like this, please let me know so I can pray for you. I have seen and been the recipient of the miracle of prayer. God allows us to seek Him no matter what…He wants to hear from you even if you don’t believe He exits. Just ask Him to reveal Himself to you….He will. He longs have you know Him.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to read my rantings….it so helps me to be a better person to share what’s on my heart with you. Each one of you is important to me and if there is ever anything I can do for you, please ask. My greatest pleasure in life is helping others.
You matter to me…and to God!
Robyn the Mad Queen