Monthly Archives: March 2014

NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

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Do you ever feel like no matter what you do or who you make yourself over to be, it is never “good enough”?  Not necessarily in the eyes of others (tho, sometimes there is never anyway some people are ever going to be pleased with you because you are not what they think you “should be”) but in your own eyes?

My husband is one of the most complimentary men I have ever known.  He has never made me feel less than perfect….ever.

My friends all love me and tell me so.

My crafts/art make people happy and some of them even help heal their hearts.

My mom and my sister have finally 🙂 accepted my quirkiness and sometimes even brag about how “different” I am.

On the outside, I have a really pretty good life and I am so very appreciative of what God has given me and brought me thru.  I am who I am because of all the factors of the past 59 years.

So why do I feel so “worthless”?  So replaceable?  So non-neccessary?

Where does this self-loathing come from?  There are many days where I really can’t stand myself.  Can’t wait to leave this life.  Not because of  circumstances but because I have no compelling reason to stay.  And I don’t say that out of a “woe is me” mentality.  As I have said, I have a good life.

Yes, I love my husband and my family and know that they would miss me…I know it in my head and I don’t doubt it.  I do not feel they would be better off without me.  It all comes back to that inner feeling of “no worth”.

As a Christian, this is so not what the Bible teaches.  I have worth because God made me.  Period.  My head knows that.

My head knows all of this.

But there is such an emptiness in my soul…and I know it comes from the pit of Hell.  I belive in the devil and how he would like nothing better than to destroy me and all that God has planned for me and my future.

Well, there you go.  It just FINALLY dawned on me that that is the REASON for my thoughts.  Because I HAVE WORTH he wants to kill me.  Somebody must have been praying for me in the past few minutes as I feel as tho the sun has just broken into the darkness of my soul.  It is like a wall has come crashing down and I am free.   For those who do not have a belief in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, you must think I am bipolar or certifiably nuts but those who KNOW the power of God know how this can happen!!!!!!!!!

There is now such a hope in me!  I can make it.  I am stronger than my circumstances.  I do matter.  I matter to Christ.  I matter to others.  I FEEL it now!

Whoever you are, keep praying!  God heard you and He answered!  Thank you for your faithfulness, for listening to His voice.  Your obedience has helped change my outlook on my life!  Let me know who you are so we can talk!!!!

I am filled with so much happiness now….it is one of the many miracles that I have seen in my life.

For those of you who are struggling with issues like this, please let me know so I can pray for you.  I have seen and been the recipient of the miracle of prayer.  God allows us to seek Him no matter what…He wants to hear from you even if you don’t believe He exits.  Just ask Him to reveal Himself to you….He will.  He longs have you know Him.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to read my rantings….it so helps me to be a better person to share what’s on my heart with you.  Each one of you is important to me and if there is ever anything I can do for you, please ask.  My greatest pleasure in life is helping others.

You matter to me…and to God!

Love,

Robyn the Mad Queen

THE UNCLE SAM AWARDS

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Because I am not often home at night to watch TV, I usually view the programs I have DVR’d a few days after they have aired and this week was no exception.  Last night I watched The Oscars and saw how we as a society pay such extraordinary homage to those that “entertain” us.  Not only do we pay them millions of dollars but we also fall all over ourselves to meet them and have our pictures taken with them (as if by standing next to them and having the proof of our “meeting” them, their greatness and desirability will somehow rub off on us and we will be the envy of everyone who sees the photo!) but what true value are these people to society?  Is their (and the whole movie crew, etc.) ability to take on the role of someone else benefiting us as a whole?  Is my life going to change by watching an actor pretend to be someone or something?  Sure, there are some movies that have the opportunity to change our way of thinking but are those not just the stories of other “real” folks?  Shouldn’t the accolades go to the real person and not to the person acting like them?  Is it me or do we have this all backward?

What really got me thinking about this was a segment on the TV show, “CBS SUNDAY MORNING” on the actions of an 8 year old boy at a Cracker Barrel store.  Perhaps many of you have seen the YouTube video of it but I had not.  The  story is that this boy and his family were walking into the store when the youngster found a $20 bill in the parking lot.  Can you imagine how excited that little fella must have been?  Heck, I’D be pretty dang excited!  I’m sure his little mind was racing with thoughts of what wondrous  things he could purchase with his new-found wealth.  But then he noticed a Air National Guardsman in the store with his family and this little man did an extraordinary thing…he wrote a note to the soldier and told him that “today was his lucky day” and gave him the money he had just found.  He told him that his family liked to “pay it forward” and thanked him for his service.  He signed it with his name and the words, “a gold star kid”.   (His dad was killed in Iraq just 5 weeks after he was born so he never even knew his dad.)  At the end of the segment, his mom said that after they left the store, he wanted to go to the cemetery to see his dad and he wanted to go alone. His mom took two photos of him….one showed his lone footprints in the snow to his dad’s grave and the other was of him hugging his dad’s tall gravestone tightly.

Now you tell me….who deserves the accolades?