“B” IS FOR BATHROOM STALLS

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Can we talk about a subject that just “pisses” me off?  It is one of my pet pee-ves.  I am tired of all the crap.

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist a few puns….

So let’s get down and dirty about the bathroom stall crisis.

I swear the man who designed airplane seats also had the contract to design bathroom stalls.  Can I get an “Amen”?

Again, something made for the general public (I was going to say pubic but I controlled myself) but only a child can fit in them.  But who lets their child go in there alone? And what if you have more than one kid and no one to help you so you all have to cram into that space which is approximately the size of a telephone booth (note to you younger readers who are wondering what the heck is a telephone booth…it was a little square glass shelter that housed a land-line phone that you had to put actual money in it to use and had a bi-fold glass door that was either broken and never shut all the way or you got squished trying to shut it and if you didn’t hit it in the right place, you were in danger of never getting out of it….Google it.).   What do you ladies do when you have a baby and a couple of toddlers and they have to go potty RIGHT NOW????  Hang the baby on the hook on the back of the door?  Lay it on the tank cover?  And how on earth do YOU pee?

Speaking of kids in bathrooms, has not every woman experienced the unnerving event of having some strange child look under the door or stall wall at you while you are trying to go to the bathroom.  I am always so afraid they will catch me in mid-stream hovering over the toilet with my skirt grasped tightly around my waist and my fat legs shaking with exertion trying to squat above the disease ridden, VD carrying, killer spider hiding, herpes spreading, pee splattered, toilet seat.  Talk about scarred for life! And it ain’t gonna be too pleasant for the kid, either….

And don’t you just love it when the toilet has the automatic flush?  It flushes three times while you are using it sending germ laden water up into your nether regions but finally when you are done and soaked, it doesn’t flush and you have to do all sorts of weird movements to try to make it flush.  I think there are hidden cameras and the security guards on the night shift all sit around and place bets on which lady is the weirdest.

Why do the stalls have three inch gaps in the enclosure?  It’s not like we could ever slip thru one if we were to get locked in.  How many times have you had eye contact while you were indisposed with someone waiting to use the stall?  Peek-a-boo, I see you!

I used to be a real wimp in the stall.  Couldn’t go if someone else was in the next stall until someone flushed or ran the water or made some kind of noise and then it was a race to see which would get done first, me or the sound.  I don’t know how many times I never finished because the sound stopped and people were waiting for my stall.  I always admired those women who could just go in and release the Jordan River.

Speaking of releases…..oh ya, you know where I am going with this now don’t you? Why is it that when you release your water, the other end has to be heard as well?  I didn’t have gas when I started, so the loud backfire at the end startles the crap out of me.  Not to mention, embarrasses the heck out of me….and if there is no one waiting for my stall, I will stay in there until the other person leaves so they can’t identify me afterwards as we are passing in the store or worse, standing in the check-out together. Sometimes, tho, if there are groups of people waiting for stalls, you gotta just suck it up and slink out and not look at anyone and get out as fast as you can.  I abandon my cart and make a run for the exit as there are too many witnesses to chance staying.

But the worst scenario is the one where there is just one toilet and the person before you has stunk up the joint and you pray that no one else will come in and think that you made that awful smell.  I try to think of some clever remark exonerating myself from guilt but the more I deny it was me, the more guilty I look.  Someone would make a billion dollars if they could come up with a purse-size odor neutralizer.  Every woman in the world would carry one (men seem to think it’s a feat of manliness to evacuate a room by stench).

Why don’t all stalls have coat hooks?   Especially in Minnesota?  We have jackets on year round.  It must be that demon-man who did the seats/stalls again.  Let him try to squat over some gross toilet bowl holding on to a huge winter coat and a purse (because no woman in her right mind is going to set her purse down on that disgusting stall floor).

What about the locks on the doors?  How many times have you gone in and realized that the lock was broke but someone else is in the next stall and so you can’t change stalls.  Ever try to pee while holding the door shut with your head?  Or trying to stretch your arm as far out of the socket as it will go to hang on to the door while attempting to squat and not pee all over your pants.  Men do not understand the trouble we can encounter when we are using the Ladies Room.  That is why we go in groups.  So someone can stand guard, or hold the door or run the water or grab toilet paper from the next stall…..

Which leads me to my last rant….the toilet paper dispenser.  Lord how I hate those things.  I don’t know which one I hate worse…the tiny folded paper ones that you have to use 37 of  to make sure you don’t get your hand dirty or the ones that have two rolls in them but are almost to the floor.  And then you have to reach waaaaaay up into them to grab the paper and it is so hard to get the roll moving and all the while you are in the “better safe than sorry” squat position.  I have had serious knee issues after a trip to the bathroom.  Not to mention wet pant bottoms…or splashes on my shoes.

I think it will just be easier as I get older to just wear a pair of disposable panties when I shop.  Will give a whole new meaning to the words, “Shop and Go”…

Until tomorrow I remain your ranting Queen,

Robyn

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3 responses »

  1. You would have lved the bathroom in the airport in Portland, Maine that I used this morning. No hovering. Toilet had a fancy gizmo where you pressed a button and a brand new plastic slipcover moved around the toilet seat. Couldn’t help but think of you ;0)

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