I am sure I can not be the only person over the age of 30 who cannot figure out more than how to answer your cell (and I do have issues with that at times…see below) and how to send a photo (videos are a hit-n-miss) and how to play Words With Friends and to check FB.  That is pretty much the extent of my iPhone 4s knowledge.

So let’s talk cell phones, shall we?

When my phone rings there is no certainty that I will answer it because of the following:

I have the volume turned off.  I do not like to have my phone ringing or pinging while I am working as it makes my elderly client say, “What is that noise”?  “Do you hear that?”  “Where is that noise coming from”?   “Do you hear that noise”?  And if I have to confess to her that it is my cell phone, I get the Serbian “Stink-Eye”.  You do not want to get the Serbian Stink-Eye as I believe there might be a curse attached to it.  As-a-matter-of-fact, I am sure of it.  The Serbian Stink-Eye causes your butt to get bigger!  All this time I thought it was getting bigger because I did nothing but sit on it and it was just swollen…now, I’m not so sure……..

I am driving.  I am not ashamed to proclaim to the world that I can not drive and talk on my cell phone at the same time.  I can not drive and chew gum.  I can not drive and listen to Rock and Roll as the quicker the tempo, the faster I drive!   I have driven while I was eating but have since learned the hard way not to do that either (countless food particles fall onto my chest and do I think to look down after eating or before I get out of the car?  Nay, Nay)

I have somehow turned my ringer off.  I went WEEKS with it off, thinking it was broke before Scott finally showed me where the ringer ON/OFF button was on the side of my phone….I had my 3G iPhone for two years and never knew it had that button).

You left a message.  I do not know how to set up my phone so it shows on my screen that I have a voice message.  IF I ever remember to check, I have to go and pull up the keyboard and hold the #1 down until it says it is calling my voice mail.  If you have ever left me a message, please forgive me for not getting back to you as I rarely remember to check it.

My grandkids have been playing on my phone.  They are so smart that they can erase just about anything on our phones and we do NOT have a clue as to how to get them back.  Does anyone have a techie 5 year old I could borrow for a couple of days so they can show me how to use my phone?  I will feed them well and give them lots of money (treats work well for my 4 yr old grandson but money is what rings 2yr old Lola’s bell….geez, I knew she reminded me of someone…..)

I am napping.  I nap a lot.  A lot.  Basically everyday.  For hours.  (Then I wonder at 3am why in the heck I can’t get to sleep….it’s an awful Catch 22)

I am housecleaning.  Ok, that’s a lie.  You know I never clean my house!

I have left my phone at home.  Am I the only one that once I remember I left my phone at home, I start to panic….WHAT IF my car has problems?  WHAT IF I see a drunk driver and I can’t call it in (I have done that before so if you are drinking and driving or texting and driving and swerving all over the road, I WILL narc on you!)  WHAT IF there is an accident and I am the only one on the scene?  WHAT IF I get a flat tire and have no way to call AAA?   I try to calm myself down by telling myself that there was a time long ago, in another life, that I did NOT have a cell phone and I am here today so I must have gotten along pretty well without it!   BUT WHAT IF everyone passes me by,  assuming that I have a cell phone and have called for help?????  By the time I get done with all my worrying, I have arrived at my destination safe and sound.  And by the time it is time to go home, I have forgotten all about my cell phone and drive home blissfully unaware that DANGER could be lurking at each mile post…..

My cell has no bars or dots or whatever it uses to show me how much connection I have to a cell tower (that’s what those little bars show, right????)  How can I be sitting in my Lazy Arse chair and have four bars one second and only one bar the next?   I have not moved a muscle.  And why does my connection get stuck on the searching mode when it was ok just a minute ago?  And why does my connection all of a sudden die?  These are the things I do not understand and that make me eat chocolate even when I am not craving it.

I won’t even begin to talk about the fools who are on their cell phones EVERYWHERE and I do mean EVERYWHERE.  That I shall save for another rant post!!!!

Make sure to leave a comment as I get some of my best rants from comments you guys leave!!!!!

Clueless in Culver,



About thelumberjackandthegypsy

The lumberjack is my husband and he owns Arrowhead Wood Products; Arrowhead Toboggan and Snowshoe; and Lake Superior Furniture Co. and is the exclusive manufacturer of wood shutters for Summit Hill Shutter Co. The gypsy is me, and I have a passion for teaching people to tap into their creative side, even when they think they don't have one! I did not grow up creative or artsy and I was in my thirties before I started sewing and creating things. I am a rug hooker; artisan teddy bear maker; painter (from pictures to large pieces of furniture!); knitter; doll maker; needle-felter, repurposer; sewer; decorator; blogger; glamper; reader; vintage jewelry maker; junker; and now a shop owner. But the lumberjack and I feel our greatest gifts in this world are our four grandkids and our daughter and her husband and our relationship with Jesus Christ. We have been married for more than 33 years and most of that time we have lived out in the country on a hobby farm where we have raised chickens, turkeys, ducks, goats, pigs and beef cattle. We also homeschooled our only child for her entire school years. We lived out our dream of being like the The Little House on the Prairie and they were great times. I also have a personal blog: rantingsofamadqueen.wordpress.com where I tell stories of what life on the farm has been like and other things that pop up in my very weird mind. I prefer "quirky or eccentric" instead of weird (sounds more fascinating and less creepy)!

2 responses »

    • Haha! A couple of years ago, I was camping and had to send in my timesheet for work via text and for three days I tried to text to the company land line and couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t going thru!!!

      Sent from my iPhone

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