Now where did I leave off???
Oh yes, THE RECEPTION
Get to the reception and of course there is the perfunctory wait for the bridal party to get to the joint and so the grands do what all children do….they play with whatever is available. In this case, it was the table decorations…those little glass stones that are the size and shape of Junior Mints.
The 2yr old has a fixation with putting things in her mouth and even tho I told her that the stones DO NOT go into our mouth, she had to assert her independence. She took a stone and slowly rubbed it against her cheeks and then down to her chin and back up to her cheek, all the while looking at me with a bemused expression. I was not born yesterday and have played this “game” with her before and it always ends the same. POP….into her mouth goes the stone.
I had warned her that if she put a stone into her mouth, the mean Grandma was going to take all the stones away, which I did. Not a happy child.
Spies fake silverware and decides that the serrated knife might be nice to stick down her throat and promptly grabs her knife and mine and like a circus side show performer, attempts to swallow the knife. Bad Grandma whisks both knives away and then she brings out her favorite tactic…..THE FACE.
THE FACE is where the mouth turns down and the bottom lip comes out and the eyes are downcast…..THE FACE works on Grumpa but not on the meanest Grandma in the world. Plus, she had an audience of older folks who melt like butter for THE FACE.
Knowing that explosive tears and great wounded sobs will follow next, I quickly offer her my spoon to gag herself on. In an instant, THE FACE turns into SUNSHINE SMILE and the other folks at the table burst into amazed laughter. I am immune as I once worked with hundreds of preschoolers during my 10 years with the county in their daycare centers. Okay, that’s a lie…..after all I am a Grandma!
Maybe some punch will help pass the time….what was I thinking? I got each child a glass of the pink punch being careful to only fill each cup a third full. How much of a mess can a tiny bit of punch make?
I had forgotten the Law of Toddlers….whereby the amount of mess made by a toddler is determined not by the materials given but by the degree of embarrassment said mess will cause parent. I turned to look at Baba and when my head swung back, there was a pink pool all over the end of the table, dripping down onto the creamy white and pink tulle dress and onto the floor (which was right next to the serving tables….of course..it’s part of the Law of Toddlers). My already frazzled nerves shorted out and I made a mad dash to the kitchen to see if I could procure a towel to sop up the pink flood.
Now I must add that during this whole time, Baba had wanted me to go and take a photo of the wedding cake on her cell phone. She was insistent that she get a photo of the cake before it was cut (the wedding party had not even gotten there yet, so I think I had time…..) so as I am sopping up the spilled punch, she is shoving her cell phone at me telling me which buttons to push…Oh she pushed some buttons, all right! I can think of only one other time in my life that I snapped at her but every nerve in my body was twitching and sparking and her pushing that phone at me made me SNAP.
After I had gotten the mess all cleaned up, I apologized. I do not know how she got photos of the cake, but she did! Talk about strong-willed…I see where my granddaughter gets it from!
Finally the wedding party arrives! Glory be! Let’s eat…..
But no….we are to play a trivia game….the emcee will ask each table to guess the answer to a question about the bride and groom….table after table goes by….I am now beyond all help. I snap a selfie…it frightens me…I send it to FB.
Emcee comes by our table and calls out a question. I yell out the answer (the questions had been asked at one of the bride’s showers so I knew the answer). Emcee debates if I have given a detailed enough answer. Takes one look at my face and says, “OK folks, you can go and eat”. Smart, smart man.
Looking over the food, I see nothing that 2yr old will eat. Pile plate with food for me and 4yr old. Whip out PB&J sandwich and chips for 2yr old. Try to put some lasagna on 4yr old’s plate….they did not let the lasagna “set” so it is one long cheese blob that refuses to be cut. PB&J for 4 yr. old.
Baby decides it’s time to sing the blues and Grumpa takes baby outside.
Grandma’s face has started to twitch…Grandma forgot to take meds before leaving house. Blood pressure must be sky high….can hear blood pumping in ears….
Stroke, Grandma, Stroke
Helpers start to clear food from serving tables. Grumpa has not eaten so Grandma limps out to find him and sad baby.
Grandma sits outside with baby who is only happy if Grandma is standing. Now Grandma is singing the blues.
Hear the wedding speeches starting….when did weddings start having whole bridal party tell stories of bride and groom? What happened to a toast from the best man and that was it? Grandma longs for the “good old days”.
Grandma can hold baby no longer so she hobbles back in holding baby which now needs a diaper change.
Grandma takes baby and a diaper and wet wipes and tries to find somewhere to change stinky baby. Spies an empty room. Where to change baby? Debates if it is wrong to put stinky baby on table since she neglected to bring something to lie stinky baby on. The welfare of others wins out and Grandma sees a couple of stacked chairs and plops baby on seat of chair. Baby barely fits and bumps head each time Grandma wipes stinky bottom goo. Baby good to go. Grandma sets baby on carpeted floor and runs out of room to men’s room next door to pitch stinky diaper. Baby is happy on floor so Grandma sits down and takes off boots…ahhhhh.
What is that face baby is making? OH NO! Baby is making stinky goo again. No, baby, no….not again.
Grandma wishes the Rapture would happen so she would not have to put back on her boots, struggle to get off floor, (Hear Grandma grunt), lift baby, stumble back to table, grab another diaper, carry baby back to room and repeat the above process. It is just too much for Grandma to handle.
Hear stranger with young child waiting for bathroom. Lean way over and call out to stranger, “Hey, can you help me?” Woman gingerly comes to doorway, sees poor Grandma sitting on floor with boots off and is willing to go find Grumpa to come and bring diaper and rescue Grandma. Inexplicably she leaves young daughter with Grandma….must figure Grandma would never get boots on before she got back and so child will not be abducted. Returns with diaper bag but no Grumpa.
See Grandma cry.
Change, once again, stinky diaper. Grandma contemplates just laying on floor until someone finds her but baby is not happy anymore.
By now Grandma has decided that she is calling it a day, and if daughter wants children to stay for dance, she will have to just keep them there herself. Grandma is not even sure she has the strength to drive home. May just die in car.
Back at the table, while waiting for Grumpa to return from where ever he went, the 2 yr. old has discovered a very long, very sharp, corsage pin in the bottom of her bouquet. Her face lights up like a lamp was shone on it!
Grandma reacts quickly and a trip to the ER is avoided. But one of Grandma’s mammary appendages has been injured in the process.
Ouch, Grandma, Ouch
Grumpa returns and Grandma tells him that she has had it and is leaving with or without him. Grumpa says he will take 4yr old and find daughter to find out what she wants to do. Good idea, Grumpa!
5 minutes go by
10 minutes go by
Baby really fussy
15 minutes go by
Grandma is in a state of shock as she sees Grumpa playing his accordion and the Emcee announces it’s time for some live music.
Last time anyone will see Grumpa alive…
Grandma decides to leave with children. Grumpa can hitch a ride home with daughter.
Grumpa makes it to vehicle just as it is being loaded up.
Run, Grumpa, Run
And this is where we are going to end for now! Grandma is wiped out from working all night and must take a nap!
Please join me later this weekend for Part 3 of JUST A LITTLE BIT UGLY
But I will leave you with photos from the wedding and reception……