I HATE DIETING.
Okay, let me clarify that…I hate the thought of dieting.
I hate telling myself “no”. That is going to have to be a whole post in and of itself!
I have tried many diets over the years as I am sure most of you have. Remember these?
THE GRAPEFRUIT DIET (too much citrus fruit causes too much time spent in bathroom)
THE LIQUID PROTEIN DIET (the taste of that stuff was horrid and people were dying from it…but were they thin when they died?)
THE CABBAGE SOUP DIET (the smell of that was enough to make me lose my appetite)
THE LOW FAT DIET (if it’s low fat, I can eat as much as I want, right?)
THE THINK YOURSELF THIN DIET (obviously I can’t think hard enough to make that one happen)
THE ATKINS DIET (I cannot eat that much meat and still pay my bills)
BLOOD TYPE DIET ( I was thinking of doing this except I don’t know my blood type!)
THE HALLELUJAH DIET ( I did a modification of this diet and was a vegetarian for four years and lost some weight but was done in by a billboard showing a frosty mug of A&W root beer, fries and coneys. I caved and the rest is history…damn billboard)
WEIGHT WATCHERS (the only thing I lost was money and my self-esteem)
OVEREATERS ANNONYMOUS (I went to this when I weighed less than 135, heard the sad stories of late night food runs, lives ruined by overeating, and that for some folks the sugar from food turns into alcohol and they become “sugar drunks”. I would be so depressed after a meeting, I would have to stop at a fast-food joint just to cheer myself up!)
TOPS (nice group of ladies but the humiliation of no loss week after week was too great!)
JUST SAY NO TO SUGAR DIET (had some success giving up sugar until one day I decided to celebrate my weight loss with a blizzard….)
NO BREAD, NO POTATOES (my husband will tell you that I tried to stab him with a large, serrated bread knife when I wanted some bread and he would not let me have the bread…I remember it differently….it was a small, plastic butter knife. It was right before we were having a Bible study at our house and I was crazy desperate for some bread and he was trying to help me stay strong and I turned on him, he got mad, threw the bread at me, I got mad and threw the bread back and locked myself in the bathroom, swearing never to eat again and won’t he be sorry when I die of starvation! Ya, well you can imagine how spiritual THAT Bible study was that night! And in case you are wondering….I did not starve to death….)
THE MASTER CLEANSE DIET ( A few years ago, I took five days and sequestered myself in my in-laws camper, no car, no money, took only lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, some whole grain bread, my juicer, carrots, some peanut butter, lettuce, cheese and almonds. I spent a good 20 hours a day sleeping as I only brought my Bible and a notebook for something to do! I never left the camper as I was too weak to walk very far! I did manage to lose 30# by drinking the concoction over the course of a few months but then my work scheduled changed and I was in town from 8:30am to past midnight and had to either bring a cooler of stuff or eat out and it was just easier to eat out….hence the weight came back on plus brought some of its friends)
I am sure I have been on many more diets and have ultimately failed at each and every one but I am no quitter so I am making up my own diet and I just know I will have success with it…perhaps you have heard of it…
THE “I DON’T GIVE A *&^% DIET”
Yup, I’m sure this one will work as it has worked in other areas of my life!