“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

(I am not going to get into a theological debate over the above statement as I will someday write a post on my belief of hell but this is not the time!)

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I must have a whole mile or more that have my name on the bricks.

I have such good intentions….whenever I make a plan or a date to meet someone or do something, I really, really intend ( have a course of action as one’s purpose or objective) to follow through on it.  BUT often my “spirit is willing but my flesh is weak”.

I cannot count the times I have not been able to act on my intentions.  I doubt that anyone who knows me actually “counts” on me to show up or to follow through with the plan.

Even my own “dream” intentions never get to fruition.

I have beaten myself up countless times over this huge deficit in my character.  I have pleaded with my God to reveal to me if I am really just lazy and slothful and self-centered.  I HATE this part of my person…HATE it.

Many of you know I have Fibromyalgia and have had it for decades and a huge part of this illness is extreme fatigue.  I read all the time about folks who no longer can hold a job or take care of their children or tend to their homes and their spouses or who can no longer get out of bed each day and I am so grateful for the things I CAN still do and then I give myself a little bit of slack….just a little…until the next time I can not muster the energy to go out or get something done….then I am back on the “lazy and slothful” train of thought.  It is a vicious circle of guilt, depression, anger and then resignation.

My “intent” in writing this is not to justify my self but to try to make those of you whom I have let down understand that I am so totally aware of my behavior and I feel awful about disappointing you but at this point in my life THIS IS MY LIFE.  And I swear to you, my dear friends, that it has NOTHING at all with how I feel about you or our friendship.  I am BLESSED with friends who seem to understand and still want to invite me to things and to a chance making plans with me….I do make some of the things I am invited to and I have a ball.  So please keep inviting me….please keep me in “the loop” as it would be so easy for me to just become home-bound and unsocial from the guilt and fear of not being able to follow through with our plans.

My husband always asks me what my goals are.  I have no goals.  If I can get up before 9am and stay up all day and go to bed before midnight and actually fall asleep in an hour or so and not wake up a dozen times and then wake up before 9am, that is a VICTORY day for me!  Anything else accomplished in that day is icing on my cake of life.

I am too hard on myself my sister says.  AM I?  I guess I don’t see my victories….only my failures.  Are you like that?  Do you hang your “dirty laundry” out for everyone to see but hide your “freshly washed and all white” laundry in a trunk for no one to admire?  Is it a Catholic school lesson that is burned into our unconscious minds that any kind of “pridefulness” is verboten?   (Oooooo, I think I know what my “P” rant shall be!)

Today I intend to vacuum my whole house, do some painting-by-number, and eat healthier.  We will see if I can get that done…oh and not to take a nap!  That’s a biggie for me since I sleep like crap and a bucket of tiredness falls on me in the afternoons and then I give in and sleep for a couple of hours and wake up feeling crappy and then stay up until 3 or 4am….blah, blah, blah…..am I harping???

So enjoy this sunshine (sunshine I like, heat/humidity I hate)

Your humble and flawed Queen


About thelumberjackandthegypsy

The lumberjack is my husband and he owns Arrowhead Wood Products; Arrowhead Toboggan and Snowshoe; and Lake Superior Furniture Co. and is the exclusive manufacturer of wood shutters for Summit Hill Shutter Co. The gypsy is me, and I have a passion for teaching people to tap into their creative side, even when they think they don't have one! I did not grow up creative or artsy and I was in my thirties before I started sewing and creating things. I am a rug hooker; artisan teddy bear maker; painter (from pictures to large pieces of furniture!); knitter; doll maker; needle-felter, repurposer; sewer; decorator; blogger; glamper; reader; vintage jewelry maker; junker; and now a shop owner. But the lumberjack and I feel our greatest gifts in this world are our four grandkids and our daughter and her husband and our relationship with Jesus Christ. We have been married for more than 33 years and most of that time we have lived out in the country on a hobby farm where we have raised chickens, turkeys, ducks, goats, pigs and beef cattle. We also homeschooled our only child for her entire school years. We lived out our dream of being like the The Little House on the Prairie and they were great times. I also have a personal blog: rantingsofamadqueen.wordpress.com where I tell stories of what life on the farm has been like and other things that pop up in my very weird mind. I prefer "quirky or eccentric" instead of weird (sounds more fascinating and less creepy)!

4 responses »

  1. “I” is for I love you; now take all the I love you’s from family and friends and put them in your heart; I think you’ll love yourself a little more knowing how you’re loved for who you are.

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