“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

(I am not going to get into a theological debate over the above statement as I will someday write a post on my belief of hell but this is not the time!)

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I must have a whole mile or more that have my name on the bricks.

I have such good intentions….whenever I make a plan or a date to meet someone or do something, I really, really intend ( have a course of action as one’s purpose or objective) to follow through on it.  BUT often my “spirit is willing but my flesh is weak”.

I cannot count the times I have not been able to act on my intentions.  I doubt that anyone who knows me actually “counts” on me to show up or to follow through with the plan.

Even my own “dream” intentions never get to fruition.

I have beaten myself up countless times over this huge deficit in my character.  I have pleaded with my God to reveal to me if I am really just lazy and slothful and self-centered.  I HATE this part of my person…HATE it.

Many of you know I have Fibromyalgia and have had it for decades and a huge part of this illness is extreme fatigue.  I read all the time about folks who no longer can hold a job or take care of their children or tend to their homes and their spouses or who can no longer get out of bed each day and I am so grateful for the things I CAN still do and then I give myself a little bit of slack….just a little…until the next time I can not muster the energy to go out or get something done….then I am back on the “lazy and slothful” train of thought.  It is a vicious circle of guilt, depression, anger and then resignation.

My “intent” in writing this is not to justify my self but to try to make those of you whom I have let down understand that I am so totally aware of my behavior and I feel awful about disappointing you but at this point in my life THIS IS MY LIFE.  And I swear to you, my dear friends, that it has NOTHING at all with how I feel about you or our friendship.  I am BLESSED with friends who seem to understand and still want to invite me to things and to a chance making plans with me….I do make some of the things I am invited to and I have a ball.  So please keep inviting me….please keep me in “the loop” as it would be so easy for me to just become home-bound and unsocial from the guilt and fear of not being able to follow through with our plans.

My husband always asks me what my goals are.  I have no goals.  If I can get up before 9am and stay up all day and go to bed before midnight and actually fall asleep in an hour or so and not wake up a dozen times and then wake up before 9am, that is a VICTORY day for me!  Anything else accomplished in that day is icing on my cake of life.

I am too hard on myself my sister says.  AM I?  I guess I don’t see my victories….only my failures.  Are you like that?  Do you hang your “dirty laundry” out for everyone to see but hide your “freshly washed and all white” laundry in a trunk for no one to admire?  Is it a Catholic school lesson that is burned into our unconscious minds that any kind of “pridefulness” is verboten?   (Oooooo, I think I know what my “P” rant shall be!)

Today I intend to vacuum my whole house, do some painting-by-number, and eat healthier.  We will see if I can get that done…oh and not to take a nap!  That’s a biggie for me since I sleep like crap and a bucket of tiredness falls on me in the afternoons and then I give in and sleep for a couple of hours and wake up feeling crappy and then stay up until 3 or 4am….blah, blah, blah…..am I harping???

So enjoy this sunshine (sunshine I like, heat/humidity I hate)

Your humble and flawed Queen


4 responses »

  1. “I” is for I love you; now take all the I love you’s from family and friends and put them in your heart; I think you’ll love yourself a little more knowing how you’re loved for who you are.

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