INTENTION: A THING INTENDED; AN AIM OR PLAN
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”
(I am not going to get into a theological debate over the above statement as I will someday write a post on my belief of hell but this is not the time!)
If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I must have a whole mile or more that have my name on the bricks.
I have such good intentions….whenever I make a plan or a date to meet someone or do something, I really, really intend ( have a course of action as one’s purpose or objective) to follow through on it. BUT often my “spirit is willing but my flesh is weak”.
I cannot count the times I have not been able to act on my intentions. I doubt that anyone who knows me actually “counts” on me to show up or to follow through with the plan.
Even my own “dream” intentions never get to fruition.
I have beaten myself up countless times over this huge deficit in my character. I have pleaded with my God to reveal to me if I am really just lazy and slothful and self-centered. I HATE this part of my person…HATE it.
Many of you know I have Fibromyalgia and have had it for decades and a huge part of this illness is extreme fatigue. I read all the time about folks who no longer can hold a job or take care of their children or tend to their homes and their spouses or who can no longer get out of bed each day and I am so grateful for the things I CAN still do and then I give myself a little bit of slack….just a little…until the next time I can not muster the energy to go out or get something done….then I am back on the “lazy and slothful” train of thought. It is a vicious circle of guilt, depression, anger and then resignation.
My “intent” in writing this is not to justify my self but to try to make those of you whom I have let down understand that I am so totally aware of my behavior and I feel awful about disappointing you but at this point in my life THIS IS MY LIFE. And I swear to you, my dear friends, that it has NOTHING at all with how I feel about you or our friendship. I am BLESSED with friends who seem to understand and still want to invite me to things and to a chance making plans with me….I do make some of the things I am invited to and I have a ball. So please keep inviting me….please keep me in “the loop” as it would be so easy for me to just become home-bound and unsocial from the guilt and fear of not being able to follow through with our plans.
My husband always asks me what my goals are. I have no goals. If I can get up before 9am and stay up all day and go to bed before midnight and actually fall asleep in an hour or so and not wake up a dozen times and then wake up before 9am, that is a VICTORY day for me! Anything else accomplished in that day is icing on my cake of life.
I am too hard on myself my sister says. AM I? I guess I don’t see my victories….only my failures. Are you like that? Do you hang your “dirty laundry” out for everyone to see but hide your “freshly washed and all white” laundry in a trunk for no one to admire? Is it a Catholic school lesson that is burned into our unconscious minds that any kind of “pridefulness” is verboten? (Oooooo, I think I know what my “P” rant shall be!)
Today I intend to vacuum my whole house, do some painting-by-number, and eat healthier. We will see if I can get that done…oh and not to take a nap! That’s a biggie for me since I sleep like crap and a bucket of tiredness falls on me in the afternoons and then I give in and sleep for a couple of hours and wake up feeling crappy and then stay up until 3 or 4am….blah, blah, blah…..am I harping???
So enjoy this sunshine (sunshine I like, heat/humidity I hate)
Your humble and flawed Queen