“O” IS FOR OPRAH

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OPRAH, OPRAH, OPRAH….

Wouldn’t you love to spend a month traveling around with the big “O”?  You would probably have to share space with her many dogs but at least you would not have to clean up after them as I am sure her dogs all have their own “person” to attend to their many needs.

What would it be like to live like The Queen of Media?  Does she ever drive herself anywhere?   I think it would stink to have the ability to purchase any vehicles you want but not be able to drive them yourself.

Does she dress herself?  I don’t think she is allowed to as I have seen her in many horrid, ill-fitting outfits and what self-respecting gal would choose to look like that on purpose.  You know all celebrities have stylists and I swear most of them must be blind. (Sorry to lump blind folks in with folks with bad fashion taste….forgive me).

Can any of us dare to imagine what it would be like to have as much money as you could possibly want….not just need…but WANT….

I don’t think I could handle the pressure of that.  Truly.  As a shopaholic, having no spending limit would drive me crazy…too many choices…I would be like Howard Hughes and end up in a padded room, naked with uber long toe nails and fingernails and wild, witchy, hair (ok, I’d probably like the hair part).   Just me and my computer…ebay would run out of stock,  Amazon would use every drone for just my package drops,  I’d have my own UPS driver and my own zip code.  People would come by my brightly colored George Jetson type house in tour busses and gawk out their windows to see if they might catch a glimpse of the freak in the Dr. Seuss-like windows.

How does Oprah handle her wealth?  Right now..how man pairs of shoes, boots, sandals, purses, coats, dresses, pants, etc. does she own.   Does she ever say “No” to herself?

And what’s with Steadman?  Why ain’t that dude ever put a ring on it?  Maybe he won’t sign a prenup.   Who pays when they go out on a date?   What do you buy Oprah for a present?  Seriously.  What could you buy a woman who can buy herself anything she wants?  I would have a serious mental breakdown if I got her name for Christmas but Lordy, I sure would love if she got mine!

I would love to know how much of her income does she use for philanthropic purposes?   I guess if I had her money, I would spend it on small projects that were under a million dollars each.   I would try to build large homes for foster care families that have proven that they are in it for the good of the children and not for some other reason.  I would build beautiful hospice homes and summer camps for low to middle class kids and kids with disabilities.  I would get recommendations from high school teachers to pay the college tuition for students who want to go but can not afford it.

I would randomly pick families and singles and the elderly for dream vacations and fund kick-starter projects that I felt had a purpose to better society.  I would check out churches and give money anonymously.   I would contact random teachers and ask what I could do to  help out their classrooms and provide what they needed.  I would set up accounts across the county for restaurants to deliver food to the homeless in their area.   I would built homey, clean, safe, homeless shelters.  Some for families, some for men and some for women.   I would built and fund places for abused women and children.   I would send money to each and every widow, widower and disabled vet who served this country.   I would do everything in my power and with whatever wealth I had to ease the suffering of as many people as I could.

And for myself, I get a much bigger home so I could have a live-in maid and cook and massage therapist and gardener and a personal trainer and maybe even a stable hand to take care of the horses I would like!   Wouldn’t it be fun not to have to clean or cook?

My day would start like this….

7am I am awakened by the voice of Sarah Brightman singing a rousing song in Italian.

7:15 I float out to the veranda in one of my vintage silk kimonos where a big beautiful cup of flavored coffee is waiting for me along with a favorite magazine.  I settle my arse into a gorgeous pastel-colored velvet Lazy Arse chair which has a heated seat and leg rest for those days there might be a nip in the air.  I spend a blissful 90 minutes lollygagging before heading to the pool for my daily laps.

After my muscles are warmed up from the swim, I go into my zen-like room where my massage therapist is waiting with hot towels and hot rocks and the most amazing scented oils.  She begins to rub out the night’s kinks and toxins.  This massage is just a short one to get me jazzed for the day ahead.

After that, I waltz into the breakfast nook where my cook has prepared a very tasty, low cal but high energy breakfast for me.

Up to my bathroom, where I walk into my huge shower with climate control and ten different shower heads that hit with just the right force all my tender spots.  And when I am done, I walk over to the Body Blower and in a matter of two minutes I am bone dry.

My closet is surprisingly sparse given my vast wealth.  I decided that I was only going to wear clothing that made me feel comfortable and look terrific….even with all my money that is a hard commodity to come by!

My hairdresser/make-up person is set up and raring to go to work making this old gray mare into a shiny new filly.   If Oprah can be transformed, so can I.

imageThis is a “after and before” picture of our girl, Oprah….quite a make-over, eh?

image This is my before photoimageThis is my “after” photo.

So I guess you don’t have to be rich and famous to be beautiful…all it takes is some creative computer “tweaking”…..maybe I’ll change my profile picture to the new “me”!

Now it’s time to get to work so I would call my driver (he lives above the massive garage) and he would drive me to the airport where I would board my private jet (did you seriously think I would fly coach on Southwest?) and fly to whatever city I had business in.  I bring my driver along so he can drive the rental limo so I can spend time on FB.  After my meetings are done, we fly back home and have a delicious dinner prepared by my darling cook and depending on how tired I am, I might slip into my movie theater and watch the movie of my choice along with my “Scottman” with whom I do not have a prenup.  We have a gentlemen’s agreement….if I dump him, he gets half of all my money.  If he dumps me, he gets Bupkiss….Nada, not a red cent or one thin dime, squat, not a darn thing,   If I die a suspicious death, then the grandbabies inherit everything.  Oh ya, I got it covered!

Right before I slip into my Bamboo fabric sheets, I get a relaxing massage and a glass of cold Chamomile tea to help me fall into a deep, peaceful sleep…..zzzzzzzz

Shhhhh, don’t wake me from this dream…….

Queenie

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About thelumberjackandthegypsy

The lumberjack is my husband and he owns Arrowhead Wood Products; Arrowhead Toboggan and Snowshoe; and Lake Superior Furniture Co. and is the exclusive manufacturer of wood shutters for Summit Hill Shutter Co. The gypsy is me, and I have a passion for teaching people to tap into their creative side, even when they think they don't have one! I did not grow up creative or artsy and I was in my thirties before I started sewing and creating things. I am a rug hooker; artisan teddy bear maker; painter (from pictures to large pieces of furniture!); knitter; doll maker; needle-felter, repurposer; sewer; decorator; blogger; glamper; reader; vintage jewelry maker; junker; and now a shop owner. But the lumberjack and I feel our greatest gifts in this world are our four grandkids and our daughter and her husband and our relationship with Jesus Christ. We have been married for more than 33 years and most of that time we have lived out in the country on a hobby farm where we have raised chickens, turkeys, ducks, goats, pigs and beef cattle. We also homeschooled our only child for her entire school years. We lived out our dream of being like the The Little House on the Prairie and they were great times. I also have a personal blog: rantingsofamadqueen.wordpress.com where I tell stories of what life on the farm has been like and other things that pop up in my very weird mind. I prefer "quirky or eccentric" instead of weird (sounds more fascinating and less creepy)!

2 responses »

  1. You forgot about all your copious crafting time, with supplies galore! You must also have a craft assistant to finish projects that you started, but are now bored with, but still want done.

    • So Margaret are you applying for the job as my project finisher??? As “The Donald” would say, “You’re Fired”! I know you also suffer from “Finishitis” and you would not be any help at all! Would have to hire Karen! I think she finishes all her projects..

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