“U” IS FOR UNDERWEAR

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UNDERWEAR…..when you see that word, what is your first thought?  My generation and those before us will probably think this:

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I do not know if mother’s today tell their daughters, (did they ever tell sons this? Or did they just figure it was a losing battle with a boy?) to always make sure you have on clean underwear in case you get into an accident and have to go to the hospital, where on arrival the Underwear Police are called and before you are treated they check the status of your underwear.  If your underwear is deemed, “Unacceptable”, you will be denied help.  Even though I have yet to hear of someone being denied treatment because they had on ratty skivvies, it must be true or why would our mothers tell us this?

I once had the misfortune of having to go to the emergency room while in another city and I can tell you that one of my first thoughts besides, “Oh crap, I have not shaved my legs in a couple of weeks” and “Why did I color my hair Lemon Yellow”, was to wonder what condition my underwear was in.  Did you notice that the reason I was in the ER was not a major thought at this point?  How messed up is that?

 

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I was going to go into this big, long discussion of the evolution of Underwear, but then I thought, “Wait a minute…this isn’t a thesis for your Master’s Degree” so I will just comment on the above photo!  I am a fan of the 1950’s and so I wear the kind of panties shown above (TMI?).  When I was younger and not so fleshy (TMI burned into your mind?) I did venture into the 70-90’s and you can read about my adventure with “thong” underwear in my past post called, “Thongs, They Crack Me Up”….but I have settled into my “granny panties” very nicely, thank you very much.  Unfortunately, I am short-waisted (which my husband thinks I made up the term) and so my granny panties are up to my rib cage….perhaps I can call them “high-waisted” panties and be totally in fashion since I have seen that high-waisted pants and skirts and even swimsuit bottoms are in style today.   Geez, I was rockin’ that look for years…I am such a trend setter….I should have my own Fashion Blog….image

I don’t know if I have ever had a matching set of undies.  I figure if my bra is ripped or stained and so are my panties, I’m good to go.

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I HATE shopping for underwear.  I think it is the only thing on this earth I hate shopping for!  It’s because I can’t shop online for it.  Maybe if you are not “gifted” in the upper chest region, you can order the same size you normally wear and pretty much know it will fit.  Not us “big” girls.  We have to suffer the pain and humiliation of going into the Bra department and then spend 90 minutes looking at every bra, opening every box, decide if we want to torture ourselves with underwire devices or be wire free and have our girls be sitting on our waists.  Then we have to muster up the courage to take our 20 bras (the item limit does not count for bras in my opinion because I ain’t taking off my top and trying on 3 bras, putting my old bra back on, put my shirt back on, take all my stuff out of the fitting room and go back out to my cart and grab three more….I would rather be strip-searched once on my way out to be sure I ain’t stolen a bra) and try each and every one on.

How many of you will not take a bra in the dressing room that looks like someone else MIGHT have tried it on?  I would have to be pretty darn desperate to do that (unless of course, it was greatly discounted…hey, a penny saved……)

Now, I don’t know about you, but I NEVER, EVER, try on underpants.  That is just WRONG.  There should be a law that you can not try on underpants…there should be an alarm that goes off if someone tries to sneak a pair into the dressing room.  Ewwww..that just freaks me out….I try to buy mine in sealed packs….so I know ain’t no one else’s V-J been touching it….(sorry if I offended…but you are all thinking it)

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Now let’s talk about “Shape Wear”.   “Shape Wear” is Chinese for “Torture Garment”. Many, many years ago, when I was thin…I wore a Long-Legged  Panty Girdle.  It was made from some kind of industrial-strength material that took more energy and burned up more calories than running a marathon, to just get into.  (I wrote a true story about once when I had it on, under the title, My Life at the Bar).  Today they are called, “Spanx”.  How sexist is that?  I know a woman developed them and she is like the youngest female, self-made BILLIONAIRE in our country!  I have heard of movie stars wearing two and three pairs of this stuff under their dresses.  I wonder how they breath, or sit, or Lord help us, how they pee?image

Typical piece of Spanx….seriously?  If I was that thin to begin with, why on earth would I kill myself to look 3# thinner?   Lemme see a big girl in that.  We ladies of size need ones to come down to below our knees, cause no where in the pages of Vogue do I see fashions where Thigh-Fat is popular.  And when is someone gonna come up with, “Arm Spanx”…flesh colored bands to wear so your arm flap doesn’t cause changes in the wind flow or bruise anyone when you wave your arm.  If I was more ambitious (aka…not so lazy), I would develop it and become the Oldest, Female, Self-made Billionaire!

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I know that Madonna made wearing underwear “outside” of your clothing popular back in the 1980’s but come on folks…these ladies are gonna get sunburned…but please take note WHERE the waists of these garments are….OH YA…I am soooo ahead of my time!

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When I first saw this picture, I thought it was those panties that have the padding in the butt (what moron thought of that?  Most of us want LESS butt, not more).  Then I realized it was an upside-down strapless bra.   How many of you gals have ever had the pleasure of trying to keep the girls contained in one of these?  Is it just me or does everyone end up with them somewhere around your waist by the end of the night.  Somethings are just not meant to happen and keeping the girls perky without the help of massive straps is never a good idea.image

Is this still a fashion look?  I never could understand the lure of having your underwear show.  Back in my day…(yup, I am “officially” old now), having a piece of your undergarments show was so embarrassing!  You would run to someone if their slip was showing the least little bit and whisper in their ear and they would flee as fast as they could to the restroom to fix it.  I cannot tell you how many times I had a safety pin attached to my bra strap and pinned to my shirt so a strap wouldn’t accidentally show!  In looking for these little cartoons on Pinterest, I came across so many photos of real people IN STORES or fastfood places in just pieces of their underwear!!!!  I’m not talking just a hint of thong or tidy-whitey….I’m talking nothing else on but the undies.   WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

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Part of my job as a homemaker/companion is doing other folk’s laundry.  People sure do like their underwear folded in a certain manner.  I figure if I just lob mine in the direction of my underwear shelf, that is close enough.  My hubs likes his folded, “Just So” and often after I have folded it and put it on his shelf (we do not have dressers, just a big armoire with shelves) I will see he has re-folded it.  I cannot see what the difference is….as long as it is clean, does it matter how it is folded?   I need to hear what you have to say about this!

And lastly, this lovely little gem….

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If I had a dollar for everytime I have put on my panties (and I am so sorry to admit, my bra) inside out, I would be the richest woman on earth.  Most of my undies are black with black “you-know-what” inside, and I can not see worth a darn without my cheaters and I really need Tri-focals because there is a certain distance that I can not see no matter which pair of glasses I put on, so when I get dressed in the morning, I think I have on my undies right, it is only later in the day when I am sitting on my throne, do I realize that, yup, once again, they are on inside out.  Rarely do I put them on backwards, but it has happened.

I wonder what would happen if I was in an accident and had my underwear on backwards AND inside out?   I bet the Underwear Police would think they were doing me a favor by letting me die, since I must be so senile that I don’t know which way is up!

Your Queen of TMI

 

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7 responses »

  1. Clearly you didn’t have brothers ; ). Not sure why men’s underwear is folded and women’s are not…I guess I do it because that’s the way my Mom did it : ).
    I had to go back and read your blog on thongs…I was laughing so hard I was crying!
    Thanks Robyn! Keep on blogging!

  2. Too funny! Remember when our good friend returned from a trip (to Italy, I think) & went to garage sales before doing laundry? During her outing, she was taken to the emergency room with a severe gall bladder attack. She was wearing her only pair of clean underwear; a big, baggy set of granny panties in poor repair. Once she learned her bloomers would not be confiscated by the Underwear Police (maybe they had that day off), she asked a nurse for a post-it note before going into surgery. After surgery, she woke up to the laughter of nurses who enjoyed the message she wrote on the post-it: “This is why your mother told you to be sure you wear nice underwear when you leave the house.”

    I hate to break this to you… but someone has already beaten you to the ‘million-dollar-shape-wear-for-arms invention. She debuted her torture device on the Dr. Oz show a few weeks ago. It’s basically Spanx (available in several colors), on the order of a shrug; a woman is supposed to slide one arm in, pull it up over her elbow to her armpit (it’s supposed to look like a short-sleeved shirt under whatever garment you are wearing), then fling the thing across her back and somehow wrestle her other arm into it without dislocating her shoulder, elbow or wrist. Looked like an impossible feat to accomplish! And, if I did manage to get the darned thing on, I’m sure I’d wind up in the hospital with a severe case of whiplash or dislocated shoulders. Then I’d be wondering if my underwear were ‘presentable’ or not.

    • Oh my gosh Karen, I forgot about “K”‘s adventure in the ER!!! Took me a few moments to remember who you were talking about!!!

      Crap…I knew I had a good idea. But if I am fat enough to need an Arm Spanx, I am also probably going to hate to wear something like you described…and once it’s on how in the heck are you supposed to get out of it by yourself???? Oh no, not for me. I want one’s I can just slip on my upper arms like arm-warmers but then again, I would have the same trouble as with a panty shaper….only it would be “arm fat bulge” instead of thigh fat bulge! Back to the drawing board…..

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