ONCE AGAIN I missed an event I had said I would make.
ONCE AGAIN I disappointed a friend.
ONCE AGAIN I feel like such a horrid person.
ONCE AGAIN I look at my future and wonder if THIS IS ALL THERE IS?
My life has morphed into endless days of “nothingness”.
I feel like a sailboat on a windless sea. Aimlessly drifting in dead air. Nothing stirring. Just bobbing along, day after day. Not going anywhere. Not going in any one direction. Useless. Empty.
And guilty. Guilty that I can’t keep my house clean. Guilty that I almost always have dishes in the sink. Guilty that I have piles and piles and piles of stuff; of ironing, of papers, of bins….bins full of stuff. Guilty that I can’t seem to make up my mind if I should keep all the stuff in case I miraculously get well and become a ball of ambition and energy and make all those Arsty things I have rolling around in my imagination. Guilty that I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on all this stuff and it just sits. Guilty that I don’t have goals or dreams. Guilty that I am a rotten wife and my poor husband is stuck with me. I have no end to the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY
Today I never got out of my nightgown. I feel asleep around 4am and slept fitfully until 1:30pm. I was supposed to be at a wedding at 3. All I accomplished today was organizing my pens into one small bin. That is it. And I put away some clean dishes and fed my dog and made my husband two PB&J sandwiches to bring for his lunch. In 12 hours that is all I was able to do. GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY
I’m sorry to be such a whiner tonight. I would never in a million years pick up the phone and call someone to whine to, but I sure seem to be able to whine online.
I guess my purpose of this post was to ONCE AGAIN apologize to you all for not showing up at a function when I said I would. Know that I am there in spirit (dancing around in some funky get-up with my dreads whipping around) but in body I am probably in bed or laid out on the couch much too exhausted to even think about going anywhere let alone actually get ready.
(Speaking of dreads, I took mine out a couple of weeks ago to give my head a rest and a good scratchin’ and yesterday I went to have them put back in but ended up only getting half of them in as it was just too painful. So now I have only dreads on one side of my head….as if I don’t look weird enough and if feels like someone took tent spikes and drove them into my head and I can’t touch them without excruciating pain. How can hair hurt so much????)
I love you guys…..