ONCE AGAIN I missed an event I had said I would make.

ONCE AGAIN I disappointed a friend.

ONCE AGAIN I feel like such a horrid person.

ONCE AGAIN I look at my future and wonder if THIS IS ALL THERE IS?

My life has morphed into endless days of “nothingness”.

I feel  like a sailboat on a windless sea.   Aimlessly drifting in dead air.  Nothing stirring.  Just bobbing along, day after day.  Not going anywhere.  Not going in any one direction.  Useless. Empty.

And guilty.  Guilty that I can’t keep my house clean.  Guilty that I almost always have dishes in the sink.  Guilty that I have piles and piles and piles of stuff; of ironing, of papers, of bins….bins full of stuff.  Guilty that I can’t seem to make up my mind if I should keep all the stuff in case I miraculously get well and become a ball of ambition and energy and make all those Arsty things I have rolling around in my imagination.  Guilty that I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on all this stuff and it just sits.  Guilty that I don’t have goals or dreams.  Guilty that I am a rotten wife and my poor husband is stuck with me.  I have no end to the guilt I feel.  I feel guilty for feeling guilty.  GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY

Today I never got out of my nightgown.  I feel asleep around 4am and slept fitfully until 1:30pm.  I was supposed to be at a wedding at 3.   All I accomplished today was organizing my pens into one small bin.  That is it.  And I put away some clean dishes and fed my dog and made my husband two PB&J sandwiches to bring for his lunch.  In 12 hours that is all I was able to do.  GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY

I’m sorry to be such a whiner tonight.  I would never in a million years pick up the phone and call someone to whine to, but I sure seem to be able to whine online.

I guess my purpose of this post was to ONCE AGAIN apologize to you all for not showing up at a function when I said I would.  Know that I am there in spirit (dancing around in some funky get-up with my dreads whipping around) but in body I am probably in bed or laid out on the couch much too exhausted to even think about going anywhere let alone actually get ready.

(Speaking of dreads, I took mine out a couple of weeks ago to give my head a rest and a good scratchin’ and yesterday I went to have them put back in but ended up only getting half of them in as it was just too painful.  So now I have only dreads on one side of my head….as if I don’t look weird enough and if feels like someone took tent spikes and drove them into my head and I can’t touch them without excruciating pain.  How can hair hurt so much????)

I love you guys…..



About madqueen54

The madqueen54 is a woman of many interests but proficient in none. A creative spirit looking for the one true skill she has yet to find. A woman looking for something to be passionate about. Writing has come easy to her, though she was never interested in it until the discovery of blogging. The words flow and she gets lost in her stories. Most are true. Some are embellished. A few are flat out fairy tales made up for entertainment value. It is up to the reader to decide which is which.

4 responses »

  1. You were starting to scare me with all you were getting done – the couches, the glamper… Thank goodness you’ve hit the reset button! I would just take those dreads out, woman. If they hurt, ditch ’em. By the way, getting your pens organized IS something to scratch off your list. Just hang tight and wait for the muse to strike again, and you know it will! No apologies necessary, we all love you for exactly who you are.

    • Margaret, thank you dear friend for reminding me that sometimes I get stuff accomplished! Notice I didn’t say “done”. The glamper still needs a floor laid, the inside of the door painted, the ceiling over the bunk redone (ran out of paint and had to improvise and it didn’t work!) and a small section of the outside to paint and the whole thing needs to be sealed! But I would make a good wager that it ain’t gonna get done this year! That ship has sailed for me this year.
      Get home quick cause we need some good old fashion sisterhood and adult grape juice!!!

  2. Declutter perhaps? Even if you don’t make huge progress at least you will be making an attempt. And then you probably won’t feel so guilty.😉 No one thinks less of you Robyn, we all have our faults. And we all love you just the way you are. We just feel such empathy that you have to endure all these burdens. Let’s plan a get-together 😊

    • Oh Jyl, I have been trying to “DECLUTTER” for decades. I start but get overwhelmed at the vast amount of stuff I have. I am not a horder for if someone wants something of mine, they can have it. I am a creative dreamer so I see everything with an eye for what I could turn it into but lack the drive and energy to actually do it. I need minions to make my visions come to life! Or maybe what I really need is a professional organizer to come and make sense out of my *#@^ and get me started. And then come monthly to kick me in the butt (gonna need some big shoes for that job!) to keep me on track and to make sure I am putting stuff back where it belongs.
      I know!!! I need a Help Robyn Get Her Mojo Back party! Get me some girlfriends up here to go thru my stuff and to pitch and ditch and organize that which is necessary.
      It’s funny…today I feel like I COULD follow my dream….sure wish I knew what the “magic” button was to my 180 degree turn-around. Didn’t get to sleep until after 5am and slept in fits and jerks until 12:30pm so it wasn’t because I got a great night’s sleep. Damn dreads are still uber sensitive so it ain’t that. Unfortunately that is the way my life goes. One day I feel good and then whamo…..back to the Land of the Walking Dead (which, by the way, is my favorite show!!!).
      But thank you so much for your words of hope. You are such an encouragement to me. God is using you in my life and I am so grateful. I love you Miss JillieBean!!!

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