Monthly Archives: January 2015



I’m sure each of us has a few phrases that scare the bejeepers out of us when we hear them such as; “your tests came back positive”, “it will just hurt a little bit”, “please call your doctor back as soon as possible”, or “this is the IRS, please call to schedule your audit”.

None of those phrases cause as much terror in my heart than when I hear the words, “The stomach flu is going around”!


I know most of you must think I’m nuts but I am dead serious.  I would rather have any kind of painful surgery or dental experience, migraine, cramps, broken bone (ok, I’ve only had broken toes but I’m pretty sure I would take a broken bone over puking anyday), I do pretty well with pain but if I get nauseous,  I FREAK.

I’ve written about this before so it comes as no surprise to most of you but this year I have gone to extremes to avoid getting this strain of the Devil’s joy.


I have cancelled every event and appointment I had this month and into next month.  I am staying home and not even buying “handmade” food such as Dominoes Pizza (my favorite food on this planet) or coffees or anything that anyone might have touched.  I will not go into a grocery store and touch a cart (I cannot imagine the germs on those things).  I will screen everyone who comes in to my house….if you already had the stomach flu and it went through your household and you are all fine now, you are welcome to come visit.  If not, call me in March!


I have already warned my husband that if he gets it, one of us is leaving….if it were summer, I would live in my camper….I might actually stay in there if he does get it, I’d rather take my chances with frostbite then the flu.   Having been hit last year with the norovirus that I got from my client, I have first hand knowledge how quick and violent this kind of stomach ailment can be.  I went 58 years without getting it and I would like to make it another 58 years!


If I had the money, I would make myself a “Howard Hughes” room.  Giant air-exchanger, stainless steel everywhere, a vat of bleach water, decontamination system,  everything I could think of to be safe from the stomach flu.

Excessive?  Sure but if you have a terrifying phobia of your own, you will understand.  Snakes, no problem.  Spiders, squish em.  Clowns, creepy but I never go to the circus.  Heights, I just don’t look down. Flying, that’s what drugs are for.  Water, ok….that’s another fear but I can avoid lakes, rivers, swimming pools.

But how do you avoid germs???

You do what I am doing and PRAY a lot!!!!

And bleach everything touchable….

Good health to you all and stay away from me till this scourge is gone!

Your crazy Queen





I have now come to the absolute conclusion I have no business being alive in this technological age.

I should have known.  You can’t spend your youth carousing and losing critical brain cells to the siren call of White Russians and expect there not to be consequences down the road.

Perhaps if I had jumped on that Super Highway back when it all began I might have had some hope but alas, I had no interest in “The Net”.  Surfing the World Wide Web.  Donkeys, Pac men, bouncing balls pinging back and forth.  I could have cared less who made it and who didn’t on The Oregon Trail.  I wasn’t going to fall for that “tool of Satan”, that portal for the government to spy on me when I was sleeping.  Hah! I was too smart for all that.

Ya, well here I am decades later trying to survive in a world that insists on everyone conducting every aspect of your life via the internet and I am failing miserably.  This has never been more apparent as I try to navigate the intricacies of trying to find and to file for permits, numbers, papers, and all manner of hoops to jump through in starting a business.  Why would anyone in their right mind allow me to even turn a computer on let alone give out critical, personal and potentially damaging (if it should fall into the wrong hands) information?   I can’t even send a scanned timesheet without it somehow arriving crooked (can I get a big, “Amen” Shelby?).  So how did I end up in this position?  Boy am I glad you asked.  Grab yourself a drink while I chug down another shot of NyQuil to try to kill the beast between my eyes that is intent on ravaging my sinuses.

My husband has wanted his own business since I have known him and I guess the Lord has determined that now is the right time.   It is an established business with two employees (that is a whole nother blog) but it is part of a bigger enterprise so we are somewhat starting fresh.  Make sense?  Ya, me neither.   I am too sick to even begin to try to explain how we got here but anyway my husband asked me what part I wanted to play in this business.  Was my first thought, “Oh gee honey, I have always wanted to be a part-time bookkeeper, payroll clerk, file gal, tax person, phone answerer, invoicer, banker, and all around icky job doer”?   Hell NO!   I wanted to be DIRECTOR OF DESIGN.  I wanted to spend  hours on Pinterest finding new and quirky ways to use our products and to finally have minions to do all the work of taking my design ideas and bringing them to life!  I WAS BORN FOR THIS JOB.

I must have been born too late cause I guess that job is already taken.

So the question my husband should have asked me was, “How much of the mundane, hard to understand, boring, left-brain stuff can you handle before you pop a neuron” part of this business do you want?

For no pay.  For no cute office to decorate.  For no cute office accessories.  We moved the piano (neither one of us plays piano but maybe someday agrandkidmight) to the already crowded living area so we could put a desk up on the living level and put the desktop computer there.  I had visions of making that area so funky with hanging antique screen doors to make it seem like a “real” office space and an old vintage green funky file cabinet.   Nada….zip…zilch….

boring desk space

boring desk space

And kiddies, we haven’t even gotten to the really fun part yet….all the jargon that once I actually find the site on the internet that I need, I start to try to fill out the form, that is IF I can get the form to come up.  We bought a refurb laptop to use for just the business….OH MY GOSH…..there have been things that I have had to do eventho I had to crawl out of my deathbed to get them done, that trying to do them on the laptop, on my lap (first mistake….laptop does not mean YOUR lap top) and since I am so used to my iphone and my ipad, I am poking furiously at the screen trying to get something to work when of course, it ISN’T touchscreen but that little black square that I can never get to work right.  Scott did get me a mouse but the laptop takes up the whole lap desk that I have little room to manuever the mouse.

After trying to make a damn invoice for over two hours on it (I hate Quick Books, it is not quick, I am not quick….I want a program for the Computerly Disabled….I am talking BARE BONES people…..ACCOUNTING FOR THE ADVANCED STUPID….) I had just about finished it and I hit the backspace button and I LOST IT both literally and ….never try to do something you suck at when you are in the best of health while running a fever….it was ugly…ugly….

I am thinking I may have to find a job so we can pay someone to work in the “office”.

I think I need some ice cream……