WHEN THE THREE STOOGES (me, my sister, our mom) get together we can always count on having sore stomachs the next day from laughing so hard at each other (tho, there is one of us that gets the most laughs but I won’t say who she is but she gave birth to the other two…tho, one of them swears she was adopted).
And this time proved to be no different.
Our day started out with Jodi and mom getting their hair cut by a new stylist (my gal, Alex) and each brought a photo of what they wanted. Most women know that there is no way this side of Heaven that she will actually look like the woman in the photo when the stylist is done. They are called, “Beauticians” not “Magicians” but we each harbor a secret hope that THIS will be the time we actually come out looking like we imagined. I do not in any way, shape or form blame the stylists. They do the best they can with what we bring them in to work on. “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”, (and while we have raised pigs, I have yet been able to make anything other than dinner with those pigs so I know this to be true!)
Mom went first and her cut went very well. She explained how whe didn’t want her back and sides “buzzed” as her picture showed but just cut close to her head. Jodi, on the other hand, handed Alex a photo of a woman who had the buzzed cut and neglected to inform her that she, too, didn’t want to be buzzed.
If you know Jodi, and have seen her eyes get big, you can imagine how big they got as her hair was being buzzed off…right down to her skin. Being buzzed is akin to jumping off a bridge…once you start there ain’t NO turning back! By the time Alex got done, Jodi looked somewhat like the photo ESPECIALLY the buzzed back and sides!
The whole time we were there, we were telling our family foibles and had Alex and the young man who had just started working there laughing hysterically and we had to show them photos of past hair cuts and dreads and hair-carvings. I am pretty sure by the time we traipsed out of there, they were pretty glad to see us leave. Normal folks can only handle so much of us and our tales. I, myself, had to take three naps during the 30 or so hours we were together….
Lunch with the Stooges is always a treat because no matter how old we get, Mother always has to read the menu to us or point out something we might like. Neither of us were born blind or have lost our vision, so we are perfectly capable (unless we have forgotten our glasses and then we are pretty grateful for the item, by item, commentary) of reading our own menu. And I am pretty sure by now, we both know what we like and what we don’t, so Mom’s kind gesture is always met with a, “Mom, we can read the menu ourselves” followed by her reply, “Well, I was just showing you what you might like”. And after a brief minute or two, inevitablely, she will point out something on the menu and of course, Jodi and I break into peals of laughter and Mom just looks at us and says, “What”? I am sure everyone around us is also very grateful when we leave…..
Our next stop was the beauty supply shop, where we had the momentous decision as to what colors we were going to be dyeing our hair. We seem to have made this part of our Stooges get-together, tho why one of us even bothers to change her hair color as a day or two later she just dyes it to another color anyway…(the youngest of the sisters). So Jodi picks out a dark plum~brown for her top and a dark brown to dye her skin that used to have hair on it and mom picks out a “honey blonde” which secretly I think looks like the color of breast fed baby’s poop but she is adamant on wanting this color and off she and Jodi go to buy other products Mother says Jodi needs for her hair. I am not sure as to what I am going to do with my own hair. It was a mixture of a large tri-colored blue swath in the front and the rest was my own silver gray. I knew I was going to try to get a full head of the whitest I could go and add some planium blonde toner to try to get it a super white-silver and then go from there.
After another stop at Walmart, in which I stayed in the car hoping to start my nap (no such luck as Jodi parked next to the cart return and I refused to be the old lady asleep in the front seat…had I been in the back, I might have actually laid down so no one could have seen me but I lack any common sense and moving to the back never even occurred to me until this very moment!).
Finally get back to mom’s house and I have got to take a nap and so my mom says why don’t you go lay on the couch for a little while. Great, thinks I. Mom and Jodi will quietly chat in the kitchen and I will get a much needed 40 winks before the Night of Dyeing commences.
Nay, nay, dear friends. Mother has become OBSESSED with watching CNN and all the hoopala of the political races. I thinks she thinks it is a Reality TV show. (I must confess, I THINK it has morphed into a reality TV show complete with The Donald yelling, “You’re Fired” at all the other canidates). So she comes into the livingroom and turns on the TV and tells Jodi she has to come in to watch and so there we are…Mom glued to the TV, Jodi playing games on her phone and me on the couch trying to nap and not add my two cents to the comments being blasted out from the TV.
We decide that Jodi will be the first to undergo her metamorphosis, and I dye her hair and the swath of skin that used to be her hair. It is very hard to create a straight hairline using a dyeing brush and a baby’s toothbrush and so Jodi’s neckline was kinda uneven. I told her that it would fade out in the next shower if she just scrubbed it a bit with her washcloth. Mother decides Comet cleanser might do the trick. I was able to convince them that it would scrub not only the dye off but a good portion of Jodi’s neck skin in the process. (I can not in good conscience allow the two of them to do anything without me, for believe it or not, I am the voice of reason and how scary is that?)
Another nap for me and more CNN for mom while Jodi obsesses over her skin~hair.
I gotta add that Mother is offering us food every 15 minutes during the entire time we are there. I’m surprised she didn’t wake us up every hour while we were sleeping to see if we wanted anything to eat. I guess she has that same disorder as I do…you know the one….it’s the opposite of Anorexia…tho I don’t know if it has a name….it is where you see yourself as much thinner as you really are!!!! Otherwise why would she be pushing Jodi and I to eat?????
Mom is next and she tells me to make sure I do a better job on her neckline than I did on Jodi’s. So Jodi yells out, “Why does yours have to be better than mine” and Mother replies in that Dowager Grantham voice she can acquire when she is somewhat insulted, “Because I am in the public!” To whit Jodi retorts, “Well, I gotta go to work tomorrow”. Old Lady Grantham, “Yes, but no one will see the back of your head since you sit at a desk and people only see the front of you!”
I figured this might be time to change into my nightgown only to discover that my nightgown has somehow gotten shorter than I remember and since I am going to be spending quite a bit of time leaning over the sink doing my hair, I need to protect the eyes of my loved ones from my thunderous thighs, I leave on my split-skirt slip (also known as pettie-pants, which is just basically a half slip made into long shorts so you can wear them under pants or in my case, I wear them to keep my thighs from starting on fire from the friction of them vigorously rubbing together cause you know what happens when you rub two sticks together, right? What I can not for the life of me figure out is why they haven’t rubbed themselves down to nothing after 60 years? Even two stones would wear away after daily rubbing like that). So picture this, me in a black nightgown and two cream-colored tree trunks sticking out from the bottom. Ya, I know….burned into your minds forever…
Ok, my turn. Turns out that my hair is much thicker and a tad longer than when I normally bleach it so I do not have enough bleach to get all my hair done. Not one to let this insignificant matter bother me, I tell Jodi just to do as much as she can and then try to work it in the dry spots like you would shampoo. I am still picking scabs off my scalp from that mistake. Turns out there is a good reason for following the directions and not applying it directly to your scalp…..
Included in the bleaching kit is a shower cap and you put that over your bleaching hair until you get the desired color and then you wash it out. You are supposed to check your hair every 10 minutes….I leave mine on until I can’t stand the burning of my scalp any longer….anywhere from 60-90 minutes….my longest bleach out was 4 hours but that was years ago and the woman doing it actually tried to make it go faster by having me put my head into her oven and let the pilot light warm it up (TRUE STORY). So I take the cap off and wash out the bleach and it was a really light blonde
Wow, I had never achieved such blonde hair….a whole new world has opened up for me (if you don’t mind poison leaching into your brain but I figure after almost 50 years of coloring my hair, I am doomed anyway so I might as well go out gorgeous!) I then added a full bottle of the whitest toner I could get and it turned purple and I was not quite sure if it was going to go to white or if it would end up purple (win either way!) but after leaving it on and rinsing it out, it became a gorgeous silvery platinum blonde EXCEPT for the spots in the back that didn’t get enough bleach….it was a brassy yellow. No worries as I was going to add a fun color to the back anyhow. So Wild Orchid was added to the back of my hair and it I left that color on all night (wild colors are usually vegetable-based so they won’t hurt you and I find that the longer I leave it on, the brighter and longer lasting the color is.
Here are the results of Jodi and Mother’s hair…both turned out very nice and I have not yet heard that Jodi has redyed her’s tho later this month the Stooges are gettig together again and Jodi wants a whole new color scheme and I am going to try to get Mother to try something new.
This photo is kinda how my hair looked color-wise but not as pretty and I only had the back that gorgeous orchid color. I did not get any photos of my hair because I would not let them get a photo of me without make-up and I never went anywhere to put on my face and by Friday night when I was going to a Chick night, I had decided I needed more colors so I had my friends color my hair to this:
I am so much happier with color on my hair eventhough the silvery blonde was pretty, it was just too dull for me!
So I would like to hear your opinions of our new do’s….all Scott will say about mine is, “It sure is Pink”! Gotta love that man….
Till next time remember this: Life is too short not to take chances!
Much love from the Queen of Pink Hair
p.s. While we were binge watching the coverage of the media frenzy over The Donald, one of us said, “Boy, I sure would vote for him if I could”. The other two looked at each other and said at the same time, “Why CAN’T you?”. It seems that she had thought you could only vote a straight party ticket and she had always done it that way. No sure if she will trust us and vote for “her man” or worry that we were lying to her and she will get into trouble and vote her straight ticket just to be safe! (IMHO, our country loses either way!!!)