I may have come to the end of my entertaining days. I just cannot keep my house up enough to not feel bad about the dog-hair-tumbleweeds that seem to accumulate in hidden spots until they hear I am having company and then they scurry out like little mice to take up residence under my furniture and along my walls. I have no carpet anywhere so they can roam freely and sometimes they hook up with spiders and leave dog-hair-tumbleweed-webs (which from an artist’s stand point they are pretty cool!).
Because I am a chronic procrastinator, I leave everything to the last minute and then I exhaust myself trying to get it all done in a matter of hours while having to take multiple naps.
Today I have taken five naps, cleaned the bathroom (in the most broad terms), made a huge chicken salad, washed three loads of dishes by hand and dried two of them, made myself somewhat presentable (no make-up, no fancy clothing, no jewelry), and now I am waiting for my three or four friends to arrive (one friend is bringing a friend who has never been here before so I will hope she doesn’t have on black pants and socks or she is in for a rude awakening as Madd Maxx’s hair is white with little barbs on the tips so it cannot be removed (Have I mentioned I hate that dog?).
I am one hormone away from crying….I love having people over. But each time I do, it gets harder and harder on me physically and emotionally (because, damn it, everybody else can keep their house up, why in the hell can’t I?).
I don’t know if I would cut myself some slack no matter what illness I had. If I was chronically ill with cancer would I hate myself this bad for not keeping my house company clean? Probably. This kind of life is getting old. I am getting old.
I go in Monday for a test to see if perhaps I have endometrial cancer cells. Half of me hopes so….to just get it over with. To be done. To have run my race and to look forward to the finish line. To finally be at peace with myself.
And if it turns out that it isn’t, then I will start badgering my husband to move to a tiny house with a big garage! I do not need much space to entertain and that is what makes me happiest…to have friends, family and an ocassional stranger over for conversation and laughter. If we have to be squished, so be it. At least I could still entertain and not have much to clean except the tiny bathroom!
So we will see what the future brings….I am ready for anything but this life I have now.
With much love and dog-hair-tumbleweed-cobwebs,