Help…My Bed Tried To Kill Me

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I sleep on a twin size blow up bed.  With a one-inch foam pad on top.  I sleep on it because it seems to not be as hard on my body as a regular bed.  I love my bed.  It has three levels of comfort and it will re-inflate all by itself if your “level” gets low.  I have had this bed for a year or so and never had a single bit of trouble with it….until a few days ago.

I woke up the other morning to the sound of the motor inflating the bed….while I was still in it which had never happened before.  Now these beds, as good as they are are not made for every night sleeping on.  So eventually they spring a leak, and since this wasn’t my first rodeo with a blow up bed, I knew it would just a matter of time before it started to leak.  And sure enough, the past few mornings the inflator was running but I was in a low spot in the middle of the bed.  Now if I were a “nip the problem in the bud immediately” kind of person, I would have gotten a bottle of soapy water and sprayed it down to see if I could find the leak.  But you all know me….Procrastination is my middle name.  Plus, I have a tent on top of my bed…..

A what?  A tent.

Since moving into my own bedwomb in the basement (it used to be our daughter’s room), I needed something to protect me from the occasional large spider and or centipede that would freak my kid out when she slept down there…I always knew when she saw one cause I would hear a short, shrill scream and then a “bang” as she whacked it with something large.  And if we have mice, they like to run across the window sills and the floors and anywhere else they feel like going and pooping.  So I bought a bed tent!

img_1146InflatI adore my tent bed.  I keep it zipped up at all time so nothing can get in there and I sleep like a baby in the womb.  It has screened windows on either end so I keep them open for ventilation and even though it is super cold down there (cement floors), I stay toasty warm in there.

So there I was, last night in pitch blackness, sound asleep when suddenly I am falling out of bed INSIDE my zippered tent.  At first I wasn’t sure if it was one of those dreams where you feel like you are falling only to jerk yourself awake.  But then I hit the freezing floor and I knew I was awake.  It took me a few seconds to understand what the heck had happened as it was pitch black and I was understandably discombobulated.  And as fate would have it, I was lying on the zipper part and the foam piece that I sleep on inside the tent was vertical to me and I was still tangled up in my flannel sheet and two blankets.  And I had to pee.  Seriously had to pee.

I quickly raced through my options.  I could try to call out to my husband who is upstairs sleeping but I had heard him up and about earlier and so I really hated to wake him up since he needs his sleep plus I had neglected to bring down my Jammies and so I was just in my Lady Jockeys and even though we have been married almost 33 years, I didn’t feel that being woken up and having to see your wife trapped in a giant pink tent on it’s side, wrapped up like some kind of blanket burrito with her old lady ta-tas every which way but pert, was really gonna add the right kind of spark to our marriage.   By now between the icy cold floor and a bladder that must have moved down after my hysterectomy, there is a much more dire situation taking place.  If you know what I mean…..

My only hope was to try to fling my burrito body up to the other side of the tent to where the other zipper is before I drowned in my own bodily fluid.  Two tries and I was up and like an oversized elephant seal, I maneuvered my encased body to find the zipper.  Now mind you, this is all in the dark.  When I fell off the bed, my tent hit my bench which had my cell phone on it and it was buried under the tent so there was no way to get at it.   I quickly unzipped the tent flap and rolled out onto the floor.  I struggled to get out of the blanket tomb and raced upstairs to the loo.  Ta-tas flying all akimbo, not worrying if the neighbors could see me since I have no curtains on the windows next to the stairs and I leave my “Christmas” lights on so if I have to come up at night, I can see my way.  I had one thought and one thought only.  GET TO THE TOILET.

As it turned out, I woke up my husband anyway as I was getting another pair of Lady Jockeys from the drawers.  When he asked me what I was doing, and I told him I had fallen out of bed and been trapped, he nonchalantly asked if I was okay and did I want to crawl in with him and the dog.  After 33 of marriage, he no longer is surprised by what happens to me.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

So now I am bedless until my new bed comes from Amazon.  I think I will skip the self-inflation, three settings, bed and just get a cheaper one since I now know that I will need a new one next year anyway.  And I probably will have a story to go along with the demise of that one….

Off to order my new bed,

Your deflated, but still alive Queen

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About thelumberjackandthegypsy

The lumberjack is my husband and he owns Arrowhead Wood Products; Arrowhead Toboggan and Snowshoe; and Lake Superior Furniture Co. and is the exclusive manufacturer of wood shutters for Summit Hill Shutter Co. The gypsy is me, and I have a passion for teaching people to tap into their creative side, even when they think they don't have one! I did not grow up creative or artsy and I was in my thirties before I started sewing and creating things. I am a rug hooker; artisan teddy bear maker; painter (from pictures to large pieces of furniture!); knitter; doll maker; needle-felter, repurposer; sewer; decorator; blogger; glamper; reader; vintage jewelry maker; junker; and now a shop owner. But the lumberjack and I feel our greatest gifts in this world are our four grandkids and our daughter and her husband and our relationship with Jesus Christ. We have been married for more than 33 years and most of that time we have lived out in the country on a hobby farm where we have raised chickens, turkeys, ducks, goats, pigs and beef cattle. We also homeschooled our only child for her entire school years. We lived out our dream of being like the The Little House on the Prairie and they were great times. I also have a personal blog: rantingsofamadqueen.wordpress.com where I tell stories of what life on the farm has been like and other things that pop up in my very weird mind. I prefer "quirky or eccentric" instead of weird (sounds more fascinating and less creepy)!

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