Anyone who knows me and my sister, knows we love to tease our Mama about her “ditziness” and the way she can mess up stories and calls things like assisted living-“assistant living” or Dinty Moore Stew-“Dainty Moore”….stuff like that. Our sleepovers always end up with Mother saying she is never going to come again cause we are mean to her.
Well Karma showed up this week and it was a b*tch.
I was driving to our business and as usual my phone was in my purse. I cannot multi-task anymore so talking on the phone and driving are a no-no for me. I am 3 minutes away from the business when my hubs calls me (I know it is him cause he is on a special ringtone). I am thinking he just wants to know if I am on my way so I ignore it as I will be there before I could dig out my phone and answer it. One minute later he calls again, which ticks me off because if I didn’t answer it one minute ago, why should I answer it now? So I am thinking of all the reasons he might be trying to get me and I turn right on to what I thought was old Hwy 61 and I see a woman in the lane that I am supposed to be in and I stop and I am thinking, “What a moron….she is in the wrong lane” and she looks at me with the exact same look on her face and starts starts waving her arms and shaking her head, “NO”. So I am thinking, “WTH, lady?” and then I see the NO ENTRANCE sign.
I was trying to go up the EXIT ramp of I-35!
The next day I have a doctor appointment for a pre-op physical and my clinic has moved since my last visit and I THOUGHT I knew where it was but at the exact minute I am supposed to be there, I am sitting in the Hobby Lobby parking lot…lost. So I call and get an exasperated receptionist (they must get a lot of these kind of calls and probably think we are idiots and why didn’t we leave home sooner if we don’t know where in the heck we are going). She tells me they are located across the street from Hom Furnishings.
I don’t get out much and I am not exactly sure how to get from Hobby Lobby to Hom but I was not about to ask….I knew it was somewhere by Walmart. Is there anything more frustrating to be able to see a place from the road you are on and not be able to find the damn road to get there. Finally after pure luck, I pull into the clinic parking lot and race in where the receptionist tells me in a very cool (and I don’t mean “awesome”) voice that she will have to try to squeeze me in since I was LATE. I thought about telling her that I was lost but since this is a very small town and I have lived in it my whole 62 years and getting lost is just not that easy, I just sat down quietly. Much to my surprise, I was called in very shortly and then began to worry that my blood pressure would be high because of all the stress of getting there.
So the nurse has me sit down and asks a few questions and then takes my pressure. Normally when they do that, I can feel when the cuff deflates to the upper number of the pressure, since it sort of throbs…..but not this time. I figured she didn’t pump it up high enough and holy crap, it will be sky high but instead she tells me that she thinks it is 106/72 but it is very soft and she had a hard time hearing it. This is a first for me. My pressure is never that low even on drugs. Which made me start to wonder if I really did get on that exit ramp and had been killed and now I was in hell and I would have to go the doctor, get lost and have no blood pressure for all of eternity. She asks if it would be OK if she tried the other arm. (Now, if you are a dedicated reader, you will remember that I “broke” the blood pressure machine in the day surgery when I was in for my hysterectomy and they could not find any pressure in either arm for awhile) so I am thinking….here we go again…my personal “aura” is screwing up another thing and sure enough…..she can’t really hear my pressure in the other arm either. I know my arms are fat, but still…..
To make this story even longer….the doctor comes in and we go through everything that is on the computer ending with my last operation….the hysterectomy. Then she has me get up on the table and she looks in my ears and has me open my mouth wide and looks down my throat. When she is done, she looks at me quizzicality and says, “Where you born without a uvula or did you have it removed’?
Now remember, we had just been talking about my hysterectomy and I think, “Holy sh*t, I knew they removed everything including my cervix but why on earth would they have taken my “Vulva” and could she really see that from looking down my throat? So I say, “Well, I just had a hysterectomy but why would they take that”? And she looks at me like, “What the he!! kind of moron are you”?
Mother, I sincerely apologize for everytime I laughed at your expense. Now, please tell Karma to back off or go visit your other daughter who also has laughed her fool head off at you!
Moral of this story is….What you laugh at will come back to bite you on your uvula or vulva…..and it won’t be pretty!
Your penitent Queen,