Monthly Archives: July 2019

How Longing For The Past Robbed Me Of The Present….


This is not going to be one of my funny stories. This one is more of a warning to others to not do as I have done. I am going to get real and expose my self here for the purpose of sharing how I was delivered from the depths of the despair I had allowed myself to fall into.

I hardly know where to start…..

Perhaps it started the day I was standing by my kitchen sink and started to cry thinking about how much I had enjoyed when my daughter and my nephews were young and how the boys would come up to the farm to spend a night and now they were all teens and no longer were interested in playing outside making forts in trees or riding on the tractor, etc. and those days would never come again.

I could not look at photos of when the kids were little and watching home videos would send me into great wracking sobs.

I longed for those days with a ache so strong, I felt it in my soul. I felt the best time in my life was over…..I was 46.

As the years passed, the ache subsided somewhat but was like a part of my heart had died and an emptiness had moved in.

It got so much worse when my daughter got married and left our home to begin her life with her husband. I was not prepared at all for the changes that took place in our relationship with her. She now had a different priority in her life (as she well should have) but I had been under the delusion that nothing would change except we would now have a son in OUR life. Things went from bad to worse and it was all because I did not want to “let go” of the way things had been.

We had been an extremely close three~person family. We home educated our daughter and she was happy living at home even after she graduated and got a job and marriage had never been a big desire in her heart but when she met her husband, all that changed. I was blindsided by it.

I want to make sure now, you understand that it was totally MY unwillingness to let go that caused all the problems in our relationship. I just did not see it until a few years later when God revealed to me that I had made my daughter my “idol”. My world revolved around her… husband was just a moon that was in my universe.

Looking back now, with a clearer mind and a healed heart, I see so much pain I was the cause of…..not on purpose….but because I wanted to keep living in the past.

And the numbness and emptiness in my heart grew until it was barely beating. I saw no reason to keep on living and would pray to be taken up into Heaven. I was drowning in a vast sea of blackness and I could not find a light to dog paddle to.

I spent at least 18 years in this ocean of despair. I become more and more recluse. My body tormented me every waking hour with pain and to~the~bone fatigue. I could not find any joy in my being even though I was blessed with four wonderful grandchildren and a restored relationship with my daughter and a new understanding of my place in her and her family’s life and I saw that it was a good place to be.

But I still in my heart, longed for the past… where she was young….like my grands.

Sometimes God allows you to go through a “trial by fire” to refine you to be the person He made you to be. I believe I went through that to burn away all my wrong thinking and ideas and my strong, strong will of rebellion. I had to be melted down to nothing so He could mold me into the person I am today…..July 30, 2019 (which ironically is my daughter’s 37th birthday!!!).

Today I feel joy and happiness and contentment and peace and hope and no longer am stuck in the past. I see today and that is all I need to see. I feel like I have come up out of the grave of hopelessness into the sunshine of LIFE. I feel alive again. I had to choose to make that first step but God put those stairs in front of me and I finally had the will and the wisdom to step on that first one and then He took my hand and lead me up the rest. He was there with me in the dark black waters but I was too self~involved to take His hand then. Man, that can be another serious post!

Today I was reading in the Bible in Ecclesiastes 6:10 {“Don’t long for “the good old days” for you don’t know whether they were any better than these'”} and I knew it was a confirmation of my “”rebirth” if you will, and that I needed to share my story for someone who is in the same sea as I was.

To that person, let me encourage you that you just need to lay your will down and admit that you cannot fix/change whatever your circumstances are and that you are now WILLING to give it all over to God and you WILL trust Him to take care of you NO MATTER WHAT THE FUTURE BRINGS. No more looking at the past. The past is gone. It shaped your present and now let God shape your future. I promise that you, too, will feel the sunshine and the joy and the peace and the security that He has given me. Going through the fire of refinement is not easy, not by any means. It hurts like nothing you have ever experienced before but when it is over, the new vessel you are is beyond anything you can imagine. God is good ALL the time…, tomorrow, forever…..

If you want to discuss this with me, please email me at: and I would be so blessed to share more with you of my journey in the furnace or what my first step was…..I am an open book (much to the chagrin of my family!!!)

With love and joy and peace,

Your new Queen



Not only do Scott and I have two businesses on the same property, we also own three storage unit buildings on that said property so I see various and sundry people who stop into my shop looking for my husband or to pay their storage unit rents.

Since becoming ancient of days, my photographic memory has run out of storage and I have no iCloud to pop all those useless bits and bobs into so I can free up more memory space.

So when this very friendly man came into the shop just as I was closing up, I was happy to see him because we have had some interesting conversations while he has shopped.

I told him I had seen him the weekend before heading up North with his new camper and did he have his dog with him….did he enjoy his trip…..and was he happy with the record albums he has bought….and how was he enjoying the salsa, was it not the best he had ever had? And because I wanted him to know I remembered his name, whenever I could naturally use it, I did.

And he answered all my questions….he still had a half jar of salsa and was loving it…he had not yet played the albums….he enjoyed his camping trip and yes, he had his dog with him.

Something he said to me, that I thought was kinda odd, but what do I know?…..he mentioned he was glad he was able to make it to the shop before I closed since normally he goes by much later in the day. Ken is retired so I was wondering why he could not come by earlier? And he was wearing a yellowish reflective vest and looked like he had just put in a full day’s work…..but who am I to pry???? LOL

So he gets three jars of my locally made jelly, and when he leaves, I say, “Bye, Ken. I hope to see you soon.” Ken replies, “Oh, I will be back for more jelly”! “I am going to stop by now and see Scott”.

Hmmmm, I did not know he knew Scott. But my husband seems to know everybody so I did not think too much of it but when I was locking my outside door, I noticed Ken was driving a different car but we have had as many as six vehicles for only two drivers so I figured he had an older car for just bumming around in.

Later that night, I said to Scott, “I did not know you knew Ken”. And he looks at me and says, “Ken, who?” (Now, my husband’s memory card is so full that I think it has exploded and he no longer remembers anything!) So I say, “You know, the guy who you were talking to when I was leaving the shop?” He says, “You mean, BOB?” And because we have conversations like this all the time, I say, in a kinda annoyed tone (hard to believe, right?), “His name is Ken”.

My husband then refreshes MY memory by telling me that it was in fact, BOB and that’s when my lightbulb in my brain turned on and sure enough, it was BOB.

Now I am mortified (well, as mortified as I can get because this kind of stuff happens to me all the time and like a wound that the scab gets ripped off of time and time again, I have gotten used to being embarrassed and it rarely ever bothers me) not only did I have the WRONG man, I kept calling him KEN and he was kind enough to just go along with me and not correct me. He does not have a new camper, did not buy any albums and I have no idea if he has a dog or not….but I did get the salsa part right!!!

So I made a vow, right then and there, to not call any customer by name that I have not known since birth……which I broke this weekend. A lovely woman came in and we chatted like long lost friends and she told me her name was Annette and when she left the store, I called out, “Stop in again, ANITA, it was fun talking to you”!