Category Archives: HAIR STORIES

Blame It On Orlando Bloom

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Normally I will take the blame when I do something knuckleheaded but not today.  No siree, this time the blame falls straight into Orlando Bloom’s gorgeous lap.IMG_1732We all know that he and Katy Perry dated for quite awhile and there were even rumors that they were engaged.  But then after the Grammy Awards we hear that they have split up and what does Katy do post Bloom?   She gets her hair all cut off!

I have watched Katy with much interest since she is a girl after my own hair-coloring heart and I swooned over her bright purple locks and applauded her royal blue tresses and even gave her kudos for going green….I mean, the woman is downright GORGEOUS no matter what color her hair is.  And while I have thought it would be fun to have hair like hers,  I never was interested in having long locks (tho, I have had bright purple and royal blue hair).  But this new hair do……YOWZER!!!!!!!

IMG_1733I am in hair heaven…..HAIR HEAVEN, I SAY……and anyone who knows me knows that once I get a glimpse of hair heaven, I am ready and willing and not-so-able to get there.

Because I have yet to throw out my buzz clippers (TMI moment….I also use them on my dog….if I start sitting down and raising my leg up to scratch behind my ear, I better get checked for fleas…..hahaha….ya, like I could get my leg up to my ear…I kill myself….ahaha ha”) I thought today, “I can do that”.   But possums, we know I CAN’T but Lord knows that never stops me.  I think I may some a new psychological malady that I will call, “Definite Delusional Disorder Personality” for no sane person attempts to do the impossible time and time again expecting different results.

I should learn how to put my face over the faces of the women who’s hair dos I want to wear and see how they would look on me BEFORE trying to cut my hair like theirs.   But then again, what would be the point since I won’t be able to cut my hair like their’s anyway.  But still I keep doing it….(Huh, my momma didn’t raise no quitter.  My momma is now thinking, “QUIT, QUIT….for the love of all that is holy, QUIT CUTTING YOUR FREAKIN’ HAIR OFF”!!!)

So here are the results of my Katy Perry wanna-be-hair-cut…..as soon as I get the products, I am going to be bleaching my hair out and MAYBE letting it get white or completely dye it green for the summer….who knows….depends on my mood that day.   Please excuse the goofy poses as I have yet to acquire the “art of the selfie”.

Your ever crazy Queen,

Robyn

PART TWO OF HOW MOE CAN YOU GO?

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When we last left our heroine, she had just had her sister in law, cut her hair from ear tip to ear tip with giant Fisker fabric shears and as the previous photo showed, it was kinda cute from the front.  Notice I said, FROM THE FRONT..

Before I show you the photo that shows the back of my head, I must set up the scene.  As I had said, the cut was perfect from the ears up but the nape of the neck looked nothing like Demi’s.  And since this was in the days before I had gotten my magic hair buzzer, I wondered what we could use to give it a “close to the head” cut.  Then I had an “AHA” moment….(this was way before Oprah came up with the catch phrase).  We could use my husband’s sideburn trimmer on his electric shaver.  My sister in law was not quite as enthusiastic as I was about this process but to keep peace (she was after all, staying at my house) she gingerly took the shaver and began to do her best at shaping my nape.  After what seemed like an eternity to me, she pronounced the deed done and gave me a look that shouted, “Don’t blame me, you asked for it”!   I ran for the bathroom to gaze adoringly at my new Demi look but what I saw was a roaring case of mange.  There were little bald spots all over the lower back of my head.  It looked like I had had chemo and my hair was falling out in clumps.  Now any sane person would have admitted defeat and quickly called their hairdresser for the first appointment possible but hey, this is me.  I have yet to decide if I am just stupid or extremely bullheaded (or in this case….bowl-headed) but I said, “Well, we can’t leave it like this, so just shave the rest off.”   As usual, I didn’t quite think this action thru.  I was thinking super short so the bald spots wouldn’t be so noticeable.  The fact of the matter is that when you use the sideburns attachment it has no hair guard so what you get is a “baby-bottom” smooth shave.   I must say, when I looked in the mirror and saw this, I was taken aback….image  Not the look I was going for unless it had been Moe from the Three Stooges.  And you must remember this was the mid 90’s and this was not a fashion trend.  Today I would have just painted a cool design on the bald spot (okay, truth….I would have had someone else paint it as I can’t do a thing to the back of my hair as I can’t “mirror-image”….you should see me back up a car…..oy vey).

My wonderful husband has been so used to leaving the house with me one color and him coming home 8 hours later and I’m totally different that I didn’t think this would phase him.  But that night when he came home,  I was to learn just how far I could go without him reacting negatively.  All was good until I turned and showed him the back.  Dead silence.  Then, “Robyn, that’s not funny” in an angry tone.  No matter how I tried to explain to him that this was a look that I, too, was not thrilled about, he couldn’t be cajoled out of his not happy mood.  My poor sister in law took flight in her camper in a hurry, hoping he wouldn’t blame her for any of this.  Needless to say, one of us slept on the couch that night.  But what a great story, eh?

HOW MOE CAN YOU GO???

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This is photo #53 in my quest to show you a different hair color/style on everyday between Memorial Day and Labor Day.  This one is from the mid 1990’s soon after the movie, “Ghost” came out.  I had loved Demi Moore’s hair in that movie so I got it into my head that I could do it myself.  We all know how that turns out for me, right?

My sister-in-law was visiting me when I got this wild idea and she just happened to be cutting some fabric with these really long Fisker shears and I had just dyed my hair black (as per Demi) and I said to her, “Hey, would you cut my hair?”.  She looked at me like I was nuts, but by that time I had already been in the family a good ten years so it was kinda a redundant look.  She wisely pointed out that she did not know how to cut hair.  Well, heck, when has something so trivial like that stopped me?  “Just cut it with those hedge clippers you are using, from the tip of my ear to the other tip of my ear” and like any good sister in law, she did what the crazy relative asked.  And it turned out exactly as I had hoped.  Almost.

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LOOKING GOOD

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I am currently reading a book on blogging so I can make this site more interesting.
(You are asking yourself, “How could the most interesting person on earth make this site even better?”) I am going to learn how to put photos up as visual exclamation marks in my posts. If you haven’t noticed, I LOVE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!! My speech is very animated (or so I have been told on more than one occasion….not sure if it is a compliment or not…) and so to get my vocal “vibe” I use many exclamation marks. Probably too many. Had I ever fathomed I would ever be writing for anyone to see, I would have listened better in English class and remembered the rules of punctuation. Oh well, what you see is what you get.

So do you like the new format? I feel very techie right now. I am usually very afraid to mess with this site as I have no idea what I am doing and I have visions of deleting everything (some folks would probably be very happy should that happen!). But heck, the sun is out and I don’t have to work tonight so I went a little bit wild and took a chance on change. It reflects “me” better. Love the colors.

Speaking of colors, my kid did my hair yesterday. It is now royal blue, purple, teal and red and as soon as I can get someone to do the bottom of my head, it will all sit on a black base. (Kid is with child #3 and is leery of real hair dye fumes so I will either have to wait a bit or find someone else to do it as it is so short that I need someone with a steady hand to “paint” the black dye on it. ) I also had her buzz cut it with a couple of weird little arcs around the nape. I do so wish I could do it myself as I have such great ideas but can’t seem to translate them to others. I love the double take looks I get. I went into the postoffice today and when the clerk came around the corner she literally stepped back a step when she saw me. She did say, tho, that she loved my hair so that was nice. I haven’t quite gotten used to it as I still scare myself when I get a glimpse of me in the mirror (no comments from the peanut gallery please).

So I am going back to reading my book and who knows, maybe the next post will actually have some pictures. Can you stand it?

SEND IN THE CLOWNS…DON’T BOTHER I’M HERE

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Since I often color my hair in unusual colors, colors that are not found in the mainstream hairdye section, I forget that I don’t look “normal”.   People often look at me with wonder in their eyes or even suspicion and I look back at them with a “What?” look and then I remember how I must appear to them !  It’s really funny when I am on an elevator and someone goes to get on with me.  I can see their hesitation and so I smile most charmingly so as to alleviate their fear that I am some psycho woman.  (No comments from my family, please.)  Right now my hair is half orange/red/blonde and it does look like that lunatic’s hair that killed all those people in the movie theater .  But come on people, how many mass murders are older, fat, out of shape, women?  I am only a threat if I lose my balance and fall on you….then you are in for a world of hurt.  And if you have read some of my other posts, you know that it could happen so if you happen to run into me, you better stand a few feet away!  But other than that, I’m totally harmless.

Men seem to like my hair more than women.  I often get young men who will comment favorably on my hair which always shocks me.  Women my age are the ones who look at me with the most disdain.  My dear mother would tell me it’s because they are “jealous” but somehow I don’t think that is it.  And anyone who thinks I dye my hair to try to look younger is so mistaken.  I would wear a pin on my chest stating how old I am since I could give a rat’s rump if you think 58 is old.  I color my hair because it pleases me to be colorful.   If I were thinner, I would cut my hair down to the nub and have my artistic daughter paint designs on my head with hair dye.  But at the size I am now, I’d look like some bizarre, upside-down, walking light bulb.   And if I continue to get those awful brown spots on my face, I may start to tattoo them.  If you’re gonna have spots on your face you might as well make them fun.  (On that note, I’m afraid to buy my grandson a Dot to Dot book as he may try to connect all my “dots”).

There is a wonderful blog called, “Advanced Style” (advancedstyle.blogspot.com) that has all these really funky\classy old broads that are on the streets of New York that this young man photographs.  These ladies are my heroes.  Next time you have an hour to kill, go to this blog and look at all the posts.  You will find ladies there that make me look conservative.  I would so fit in.   It’s almost like my dream peeps from Hunger Games.  I am so liking the blue hair of the show’s host played by Stanley Tucci.  I might just have to by that movie so I can watch all those people again.  Visual lust.  Color lust.   Gotta have color (conversely, I wear mostly black clothing….go figure!)

I did try to add some photos of my latest hair coloration but I am just too dumb to figure out how in Hades to do it.  Must be all those years of hair dyeing.  The chemicals have pickled my brain.  (Wouldn’t it be a scream if I ever had brain surgery and when they opened up my skull, my brain was colored!!!)  So if you want to see how I look now, check out my wall on Face Book.  I think I added some on there.

All this talk about hair dye makes me want to buy some more so I will sign off now to go and do some internet shopping on Idyemyhair.com

And if anyone wants to know how to add fun colors to your hair, just ask.  I have found a  product and a super easy way to do it (and CHEAP).

Yours to dye for,

The Queen

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN

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Two weeks ago, I went and got my hair cut by a stylist who did a great job. It looked very nice and pretty normal.  I lasted a whole week.  The other night I was watching a fashion competition and there was this woman with fabulous hair.  It was blonde and buzz cut but had this huge pompadour in the middle.  It was awesome.  I figured I could do something like that to my hair.  Now somehow in my deluded mind, I let the fact that she was 20 years younger, a good 90 lbs. thinner and probably 6 inches taller slip by me.  She was blonde, I was sorta blonde, she was a woman, I was even more of a woman.  So what’s the problem?  I should probably mention I had one hour before I had to leave to go to work and had to shower, etc. but how long could it take?  So I got my trusty hair clippers (someone should really do an intervention and remove them from my home) and looked in the mirror.  Instead of seeing reality (fat, bloated face,  liver spots, broken capillaries, yellowing teeth, once large brown eyes now covered in eyelid droop), I saw the fashion designer.  Huge blue eyes, flawless skin, cheek bones, gorgeous white teeth and an actual chin line…..I must have a magic mirror.   I decided where I wanted the buzz line to go and pinned up the hair I wanted to keep and slapped on a clipper guard and I was off to the races.  I should have put my cheaters on and read what guard I had slapped on since  after that first buzz, I thought….hmmm…..shorter than I wanted to start out with.  You always want to start longer and go shorter, but what the heck, eventually I would have gotten down to the 1/4 inch guard.  Just saving time.   I swear I get some sort of high buzzing off my hair….you would think that most normal women would be somewhat nervous seeing piles of hair falling into the sink and on the floor.  Not me.  It’s like I’m freeing myself from the burdens of my life.   Ok, so I get the back done and I let the hair down that was pinned up. Ooooo, a cool and unexpected thing happens.  I have these blonde longer pieces that just happen to flow to the middle of my head. I have now got a whole new idea.  But I am running out of time…..hurry…..hurry.  I part my hair way over to one side and put on the 1/2 guard and buzz down one side of my hair just in front of my ear.  One buzz, two buzzes, three buzzes.  Stop.  Take scissors and cut hair that is left at an angle up to my ear.  Dang, this is looking pretty good.   Now, the big dilemma.  Do I do the other side or do I leave it.  Take a glance at the clock….holy crap.  I gotta leave in 15 minutes.  Dilemma is over.  Time has run out.  I have won!!!!  BUZZER 10  ROBYN 1

HAIR TODAY…PART TWO

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image image image image imageThen there were the “red” years.  This was way before red hair was all the rage.  I have been all shades of red…some on purpose and some not.  Two instances stand out in my mind…both happened after I had had my hair frosted.  Now anyone who dyes their hair knows that when you add any color to hair that has been bleached, you are just asking for disaster.  When it comes to my hair, I am fearless.  It’s only hair, it will either grow back or I can dye it again…no big whoop.  So box of “Ruby Red” in hand, I take the plunge.  Oy.  I have multiple colors of red hair.  Some are great, others are “vivid” to say the least.  This was also many years before Kool Aid dying was in so to say I stood out from the crowd would be an understatement!  I actually screamed in shock (nowadays I would just think it uber cool).   My daughter was so taken aback by the color and my reaction to it, she memorialized the moment by making me a soft-sculpture doll with wild red hair.   I remember being somewhat embarrassed to be seen out in public until it toned down a bit and those of you that know me well know I am not easily embarrassed .  But did it teach me a lesson?  Pa-leez, as you will see as I continue this story, I never learn my lesson.

Second story happened a few years after the above.  I had frosted hair only now it’s called, “foiled” and it costs much more but there is no pain (other than when you go to pay for it!) And I had the “red” bug, so I got “Copper Penny” this time.  How many of you remember Bozo the Clown and his shock of bright orange-red hair?  Ya, well multiply it by a dozen and then you will have some idea of the color it turned.  My husband loved it (I gotta blog someday about him and his long-suffering patience with me and my hair), I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it.  I had dyed it on a Saturday night and when I walked into church the next day I was wondering what kind of comments I would get.  Mind you, these loving folks had known me for years by this time,  and everyone would wonder what color hair I would have each Sunday but the comment I got from our eldest member and a dear friend kinda said it all.  “THAT BETTER BE A WIG”, were her exact words.

I have been blessed with hair that grows really fast which if you want long hair is great but I am a gal that loves it short and so by the next week after a cut, it is no longer what I like.  So to save money, I bought my self a home clipper.  Can anyone see where this is going?  I have found that clipping my  hair has become a catharsis of sort.  Feeling fat?  Clip your hair.  Feeling old?  Clip your hair.  Feeling in a rut?  Clip your hair.  You get the drift. You should know right here and now, I have never taken any hair dressing classes and do not possess a natural ability to do hair like my mom and grandma.  I have a “what’s the worst that can happen” attitude.  Mix that with a pair of hair clippers and this is what can happen. I was happily clipping my hair with the 1/4 inch guard on the clipper and finished up and removed the hair guard when my daughter asked if she could go skiing with some friends.  She had never skied in her life and being the overprotective mom that I was, I kinda freaked.  So to calm myself, I picked up the clippers and was going to give myself one last calming pass over the back of my head.  No sooner had I done a buzz up the back when I realized…….wait for it……I had taken the guard off and I had buzzed a 5 inch long by 1 1/2 in. wide bald spot!   I screamed in shock and said daughter came running.  By now I was hysterically laughing cause what the heck else are you gonna do?  My daughter said, ” What is dad gonna say?” and that kinda brought me up short.  I should preface this with the fact that this was not the first time I had done something like this and in fact, the next story is going to be about the first time I really threw him for a loop with my hairdo.   Since my husband was due home any minute, I called my regular hair dresser and said, “Help me” and as soon as she could quit laughing, she told me to get down to see her as fast as possible.  Now I live 35 minutes away from town and was in my jammies so “as fast as possible” was  not all that quick.  Just as I  had gotten dressed, I heard the car drive up and I flew to our bedroom to sit on the bed so when my husband saw me, it would be from the front.  He walked into the bedroom, took one look at my face and said, “Ok, what did you do now?”.  I told him the story and I turned around not quite sure what his reaction would be.  Relief flooded through me as his laughter rang out.  First thing he did is call his mother!   By the time I got to the hairdresser, my mom was there and my sister had closed the dental office she works in to run over to see and there was a crowd of women all waiting to see what kind of woman would give herself a buzz cut bald spot.   My magician of a hairdresser cut what ever hair I had left as short as possible and then gave me this giant brown dye stick that I could color in the bald spot….somewhat.  I must mention that the next day I was to be down at the DECC as a vendor for the giant craft show they have.    Now you would think I would think twice about clipping my hair after that but nooooo.  I still love a good buzz!!!!!

The next incident is known as the “Moe” cut.  I had just seen the movie, “Ghost” and had loved Demi Moore’s hair.  So I dyed mine black.  Ok but now I needed it cut.  Not one to wait, I asked my sister-in-law who was up visiting to take her large scissors that she was cutting fabric with, to just cut my hair from ear tip to ear tip.  Even tho I had been in the family for years and they were all quite used to my odd hair styles, this was beyond her comfort level.  I had to persuade her that she could do it and not to be afraid since “what is the worst that can happen?”.  So she bravely took her shears and cut from ear to ear.  Perfect.  Just like Demi’s.  Except for the bottom.  Her nape of her neck was cut really close.  This was before I had my clippers so I took my husbands electric shaver and had her use the sideburn clipper.  When she got done, I took the mirror to look and lo and behold it looked like I had mange.  Hmmm, now what?  Maybe we should just use the sideburn clipper to clip the whole nape.  Who wants to guess what happened next?  I was bald from the tips of my ears down.  Not just buzzed, but right down to the flesh bald.  Not only was I bald, but the black dye had left little rivulets running down my scalp.  Ok, now what?  It is Saturday night so there could be no frantic call to my magician beautician.  Hubby due home soon so I did what any red-blooded American woman does when faced with a potentially angry husband.  I got all made up….jewelry…the works.  When said hubby got home, he saw this gorgeous raven-haired beauty and said, “OH, I LIKE IT”.  So I whipped around for him to get the full effect and there was dead silence. “THAT’S NOT FUNNY”, said he.  I won’t bore you with the ensuing conversation but suffice it to say one of us was in tears and one of us slept on the couch.  The next day being Sunday, I was in a quandary as to how I was going to disguise my “MoeDo”.  We had just started at a new church and knew practically no one so it wasn’t like they would just see me and say, “Oh that Robyn, what has she done now?” and laugh along with me. No, these were strangers and it was a smallish church so I couldn’t just slip in unnoticed.  (OK, unless I was going to the church of The Three Stooges, I guess I couldn’t have slipped in unnoticed no matter what size the congregation was!).  So I found a black cotton headband which I placed on my head and then pulled a black straw hat over that.  From far away the black head band kinda looked like hair but get within 20 feet and you would see that under that headband was baldness.   If that wasn’t bad enough, I was going to a new dentist weekly and there was no way I could wear that straw hat in the dental chair!  Let’s just say I have been great fodder for lots of folks.  I like to think of myself as a legend of what not to do or say.

Another quick story….a few years ago I decided that I wanted long, multi-colored hair extensions.  So I sought out a gal who does them and spent hundreds of dollars getting these wild colors glued onto my own hair.  I loved the look but it was like having my mom frost my hair 24/7….never ending pain.  I’m not sure that this is normal or if I just have a super sensitive head (how could that be…it has to be like leather from all the perms and hair dyes over the years).  And this was about the time I started having hot flashes…and it was in the summer.  They lasted for three months, then I had my daughter cut them out….$800 down the drain….but did I learn a lesson?  Nope.  I have dreams of having multi-colored wool dread locks put in my hair…perhaps after the hot flashes stop or I will felt the wool with my sweat.  I’m sure there are more hair stories that I have forgotten (please let me know if you remember one) but even at the ripe old age of 57 I am always game for some wild hair.

Stay tuned……