Category Archives: PAIN

NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

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Do you ever feel like no matter what you do or who you make yourself over to be, it is never “good enough”?  Not necessarily in the eyes of others (tho, sometimes there is never anyway some people are ever going to be pleased with you because you are not what they think you “should be”) but in your own eyes?

My husband is one of the most complimentary men I have ever known.  He has never made me feel less than perfect….ever.

My friends all love me and tell me so.

My crafts/art make people happy and some of them even help heal their hearts.

My mom and my sister have finally 🙂 accepted my quirkiness and sometimes even brag about how “different” I am.

On the outside, I have a really pretty good life and I am so very appreciative of what God has given me and brought me thru.  I am who I am because of all the factors of the past 59 years.

So why do I feel so “worthless”?  So replaceable?  So non-neccessary?

Where does this self-loathing come from?  There are many days where I really can’t stand myself.  Can’t wait to leave this life.  Not because of  circumstances but because I have no compelling reason to stay.  And I don’t say that out of a “woe is me” mentality.  As I have said, I have a good life.

Yes, I love my husband and my family and know that they would miss me…I know it in my head and I don’t doubt it.  I do not feel they would be better off without me.  It all comes back to that inner feeling of “no worth”.

As a Christian, this is so not what the Bible teaches.  I have worth because God made me.  Period.  My head knows that.

My head knows all of this.

But there is such an emptiness in my soul…and I know it comes from the pit of Hell.  I belive in the devil and how he would like nothing better than to destroy me and all that God has planned for me and my future.

Well, there you go.  It just FINALLY dawned on me that that is the REASON for my thoughts.  Because I HAVE WORTH he wants to kill me.  Somebody must have been praying for me in the past few minutes as I feel as tho the sun has just broken into the darkness of my soul.  It is like a wall has come crashing down and I am free.   For those who do not have a belief in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, you must think I am bipolar or certifiably nuts but those who KNOW the power of God know how this can happen!!!!!!!!!

There is now such a hope in me!  I can make it.  I am stronger than my circumstances.  I do matter.  I matter to Christ.  I matter to others.  I FEEL it now!

Whoever you are, keep praying!  God heard you and He answered!  Thank you for your faithfulness, for listening to His voice.  Your obedience has helped change my outlook on my life!  Let me know who you are so we can talk!!!!

I am filled with so much happiness now….it is one of the many miracles that I have seen in my life.

For those of you who are struggling with issues like this, please let me know so I can pray for you.  I have seen and been the recipient of the miracle of prayer.  God allows us to seek Him no matter what…He wants to hear from you even if you don’t believe He exits.  Just ask Him to reveal Himself to you….He will.  He longs have you know Him.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to read my rantings….it so helps me to be a better person to share what’s on my heart with you.  Each one of you is important to me and if there is ever anything I can do for you, please ask.  My greatest pleasure in life is helping others.

You matter to me…and to God!

Love,

Robyn the Mad Queen

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THE EYES HAVE IT

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I have been trying to tap into my inner artist (I say “inner” because so far it hasn’t gotten to the outside yet!) and this morning I was reading about making a self-portrait and my brain came up with thoughts for a new post.  That is how I write.  I may go for days and days without any promptings to post and then something will trigger the idea for a post and no matter what I am doing, I  HAVE to write.  Man, I wish I could say the same for exercise…..

self-por-trait:  NOUN: A pictorial or literary portrait of oneself, created by oneself.

What is the first thought that comes to your mind when you think of making a self-portrait?  For me it is the fear of having to look into my own eyes.  I may complain and bemoan my facial flaws but for the most part (and in candlelight and with my glasses off) I can live with what I see.  But I cannot look into my eyes.  What’s with that?  I know it’s not because I am ashamed of who I am or who I was (I have been forgiven by the blood of Jesus for my past, present and future sins) but I am terrified of looking into them and seeing the pain of a fearful, little girl.  Now, please understand I was not beaten or molested or any other of those horrid, horrid, things.  I did have a very strict and quick tempered dad (whom I loved) and you never knew what might set him off and I was very afraid of him when he was angry but I was also terrified of just about everything in life.

I hated playing outside because I was so afraid of bugs.  Any kind.  Ants, flies, moths, bees and God help us if we got a woodtick on us!  My mom would have to call in help as she was beyond terrified of them herself and could not take one off of us.  Back in those days the way to get a tick off was to take a cigarette or a match and hold the hot end near the tick so it would pull its head out and you could grab it because Lord only knew what fatal disease you would get if the head was left in!  (I now have had so much experience with them that if I feel one crawling on me when I am in bed, I figure I will find it in the morning somewhere and don’t give them a second thought.  Joys of living in the woods. So not only did we fear having a tick stuck to us, we also had the fear of being burnt in the process of getting it off!

I was terrified of the dark.  I had to have the hall light on and our bedroom door opened a crack so I could see the light.  I think there must have been a time when our door had to be closed because my sister would yell out to my dad (if she was mad at me) that I had opened the door and he would tell me to shut the door and it was always a toss up as to which was the worse of two evils…the dark or my dad’s anger!

I was afraid of eating.  Ya, I know.  You are all thinking, “Well she certainly got over that fear”!  Mealtimes were shall we say, “stressful”.  My parents believed that there were starving children over in China and it was their responsibility to make sure we ate everything on our plates because of that fact.  I, on the other hand, only could eat a few select foods without the abject fear of gagging which would lead to the BIGGEST FEAR OF ALL….VOMITTING.  So you can see how mealtimes at our house were awful.  Very awful.  Extremely awful.

I was also very, very, very, afraid to go to birthday parties because what if they had food that I didn’t like (unless it was peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches I probably couldn’t eat it and those dang Chinese kids had infiltrated all the minds of the parents of the 1950’s so we were required to eat what was put in front of us no matter who’s house we were at!) and what if I felt sick?  (Can you see an agoraphobic in the making?)

I could go on and on and on with my fears, but you get the picture.  Fear ruled my life.  Absolutely.  100 percent.  All the time.  In every area.  I could never get away from it.

When I look into my eyes, I see the child who would lay in bed at night and pray to die.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray The Lord my soul to take”.

I understand how little kids can take their own lives.  Please, please don’t think it was because of how “bad” my parents were because they were just typical parents of the 1950’s.   The pain came from the FEARS.  The FEARS were my demons.  THEY were in every cell of my body.  THEY followed me everywhere.  THEY were even in my dreams.  I could not escape THEM.

Eventually I outgrew some of THEM but OTHERS took THEIR place.  Today, 58 years later, most of them are gone.  Most.  Someday I will tell you about the ONES that remain.  Not today.

So when I do actually make my self-portrait, I have decided to put mirrors in the space where my eyes should be.  Why?  I’m not sure.  It just seems right.

“The eyes are the windows to the soul”.

Maybe I don’t want to see my soul?  Maybe I don’t want you to see my soul?

What will your eyes reveal in your self-portrait?  Go and look in the mirror.  Look deeply into your eyes.  What do you see?  What do your eyes tell me about your life’s journey?  Will you put in mirrors where your eyes should go or will you be able to paint your eyes in but maybe you will leave your mouth blank.   How many of us have self-portraits that will not be able to be complete?

I would like to know what your portrait looks like.  Will you be brave enough to share with me?

 

 

LOVE IS

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love is
fear
yelling
hitting
punching
crying
darkness
terror
silence
betryal
jealousy
frustration
lies
despair
emptiness
heart-breaking
sadness
tears
closets
belts
sorrow
hiding
confusion
anger
isolation
secrets
masks
reaping
fleeting
untrue
conditional
disappointing
guilt
joyless
unsafe
selfish
false
lust
compensating
painful
love is