I never knew I made noise getting up until my first grandchild was about two and everytime he got up from sitting or moved something or did any kind of lifting, he would make these sounds of extreme effort. I thought it was quite odd in such a young child until one day when I was lifting my fat arse off the couch, I made a sound very similar to Jack and then the proverbial light bulb went off in my head.
Jack was imitating the noises he had heard me make whenever I had to “move it, move it” (did you just sing it like the King Lemur Julien from Madagascar?)
How long had I been doing that? Do I do it in front of others?
Getting older has not been pleasant for me in terms of both my physical limitations and my mental state. I just cannot wrap my mind around being in my early 60’s…it just seems impossible for the young girl inside me to be that age in body.
But my body is certainly trying to convince my brain we are the same age.
Besides the huffing and puffing (you would huff and puff too, if you were carrying the extra weight of a full-size human around), it seems every part of my body that could sag or hang has decided to give up the ghost of fighting gravity and is racing towards my knees….even those things that are supposed to be stationary inside my body. My bladder has decided it would like to see the light of day and it is fighting like hell to get out and since I have gotten rid of my lady parts in my Southern Hemisphere, it has clear sailing to someday pop out and say, “Surprise”! Not that it will really be a surprise as it is certainly giving me clues as to it’s trajectory. I am afraid I will soon be asking my youngest granddaughter for her Dora the Explorer pull-ups.
Is there truly any way to tighten the bat wings which have now become my upper arms? I would trade a kidney (tho, I better hang on to both since they are not working up to snuff and two bad kidneys I suppose are better than one bad kidney) to get an upper arm lift. Actually I need a full on body lift. Like how “Egger” from the first Men In Black movie just grabbed the top of his head and lifted all his excess skin. Why is there not a need for more human skin. I would be first in line if they needed it. Go ahead, cut a slab off here and there….just make sure you cut both sides the same….liposuction ain’t gonna help me none since once the fat is gone, I would have miles and miles of defatted skin…..
If I had known I really would live this long, I might have taken better care of my body…key word here folks is: Might. Because when you are young and everything is where it should be and nothing is hanging, you never give a thought to how fast you will age and if it hangs at 35, watch out at 62….
People will tell you that “you are never too old to start getting healthy or in shape” but that’s a load of crap. Which is harder on a body, staying the same or starting to stress it out by not eating your favorite foods, giving up drinking, and taking long walks when the thought of falling is paramount in your mind and you just shuffle down the road in your crocs, hoping against hope that your bladder will stay put, you won’t sneeze or cough, and nobody you know will drive by. I don’t think my heart could handle that kind of stress.
I just want to wake up some morning fit as a fiddle and as long as I am feeling delusional, I might as well wake up with a taunt neck, unspeckled skin, with upper arms like Michelle, and a body like JLo and legs like Taylor. And a Kim K. bank account ( I would have said an Oprah bank account but that would be just crazy thinking).
I would love to continue chatting but I must go pluck those eyelash hairs that have transplanted themselves to my chin….how do they do that?
Keeping my chins up till next time,
Your aging Queen
rantingsofamadqueen 