I almost died today.
Well, I could have died.
But I lived to tell the tale and tell it I will…….
The King and I are babysitting the 6 year old and the 2 year old. The King and the Princess were out on the royal 4-wheeler and the Queen was trying to entertain the little Prince. Both the King and the Queen are running on just a snooze here and a snooze there, since the big royal bed was occupied last night by not only the King and the Super-Sized Queen but also the 4 year old Princess and the little Prince. I do not know if there is a bed in the whole kingdom that would be big enough for the young nocturnal royal tumblers and martial art moves they made. The Queen resorted to putting her head down by the Kings feet and her feet making a ledge up at the little Prince’s body so he would not roll out of the bed and smack his royal noggin on the hard floor. It was a night filled with lots of big sighs, loud cries, tossing and turning and yes, the little royals did move around a bit, too.
After many attempts to humor the small Prince, the Great Queen decides that all children love to play in water and so she filled up a bin and threw some kitchen utensils in it and out on the big deck they headed. But wait….The Great Queen looked out and on the deck were three broken eggs. The Queen’s first thought was why on earth did the King throw eggshells out on the deck (the Queen always blames the King first…it just is easier to presume his guilt) but then the Great Queen looked closer and realized that they were pretty tiny eggs and figured out that there was a bird’s nest right above the sliding glass doors out to the Great deck and so the birdies must have hatched and the momma and poppa birds would not be happy to have the Great Queen and the little Prince out there disturbing their children.
Luckily, the King built a smaller deck which no one ever uses except the dog and so the Great Queen and the little Prince went out there to play in the water. This deck faces South and so the sun was beating down and the Great Queen hates the sun but will do most anything to make her royal grands happy so she found a bit of shade made by the plastic lattice that surrounds the deck and pulled a very old, but very funky, metal chair over by the little Prince and proceeded to put her very large royal throne warmer down on the chair.
Well, quicker than the Great Queen could even think, down she went with a great crash and she was balanced precariously between the deck and the ground below. It seems not only was the chair old but so was the wood that holds the plastic lattice in place!
The Great Queen quickly ascertained that she was stuck and stuck good. No matter how she tried to get up out of the broken chair, she could not. Her very large throne warmer was hanging over the edge of the deck as was her back and head and her legs were knees to the sky. The Great Queen said aloud, “My, my I seem to be in quite a pickle” and then she began to laugh because these kind of things always seem to happen to the Queen. But as the afternoon sun beat down on her and the little Prince, she stopped laughing and began to become distressed as she had no idea as to how long the King and Princess would be gone and she was getting concerned that the little Prince might be getting too much sun (and she was hotter than the home of the devil) and so the Great Queen thought over her options.
Her neighbors might be outside and could possibly hear her if she yelled for help but the Great Queen had not done anything to her hair that morning and the last time she looked in the mirror (not the magic one, her mother has that one), she looked like a punk-rock Albert Einstein and she knew that her royal assets were hanging out plumber-style and her neighbors were both young parents and she could not in good conscience subject them to the fleshy half-moon they were sure to see.
She then considered sending the 2yr old Prince in the house to look for her phone but the thought of not seeing what he could be getting into was scarier than the hot sun and the real danger of the lattice giving away and her going (as her royal father would have said) “ass over teakettle”. (What the heck does that mean anyway?…The older the Great Queen gets the weirder the sayings that made up her childhood memories become!).
And then the village idiot came and laid down right next to her, making any kind of Ninja move impossible since the idiot is beyond stubborn and will not move for anything once she sets herself down (and no, I am not talking about my mother….how rude of you even to think that). The Queen was suddenly grateful that the idiot had not tried to jump on the Queen because they both would have gone over the edge with a stream of blue language following them. Which, of course, the little Prince would repeat….can’t get him to say his full name but you know he would remember “verbatim” the royal blue language!
Now, I have left out the part about the Great Queen being somewhat disabled, haven’t I? Besides being stuck in the chair, her life in the literal “balance”, she had very little use of her right hand and only half use of her left as she is awaiting surgery on both hands and her right elbow later this month so even if she had the strength in her arms to do something to help herself out, she has no hand strength! Yes, our lovely Great Queen is indeed in quite a pickle (another saying that makes no sense!!)
Now in a semi-panic state, the Queen musters up every single bit of energy her old, broken body can and grabs ahold of the 2×4 that is the cornerstone of the lattice wood and leans as far left as she can and feels the chair bending down closer to the decking but the pain in her royal left hip and throne warmer is beyond what she can endure and she falls backs in tears. “Okay fat girl, you can do this” she says to herself and with the strength and determination only a royal Babushka can understand, she rolls over the metal chair arm and on to the deck, her body screaming in pain.
SHE DID IT!!!! And three minutes later the King and the Princess roll in…….
Moral of the story: never trust a chair that has been outside for years and always have your cell phone by your side in case of a “silly selfie opportunity”.
Off now to ice the hands and the left part of body…..I am gonna have a bruise the size of Australia come tomorrow…..I think I will skip the selfie and let you all just use your imaginations!
Your triumphant but bruised Queen