Ooooo, it’s been quite a while since I have had a good rant so after babysitting the Fearsome Foursome this past week for two days, I have much to rant about!
I am not a Grandma that likes playing house (I do not play house even when I have no grands here….I play, ” What do you mean, what’s for dinner?” and “How should I know if you have any clean underwear, I don’t wear it!” and my personal favorite, “If you see that it is dirty/dusty/scummy/cruddy, then clean it off, cause obviously either I can’t see it or I don’t really care!”) or rolling around on the floor (if I am on the floor, it can only mean that I fell and the words that are coming out of my mouth are not for the tiny, pure ears of my grands) but I do enjoy playing card games or board games…..for a time.
I picked up both Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders at a rummage sale to play with the kids and even though I should know better, after all I did work with preschoolers for ten years and you can not even begin to imagine how many games of Candy Land I have played in my life. When my own daughter was young, I was still smart and even before we played it for the first time, I took out those demon cards that send you either forward or backward because life is not long enough to play that game!
But I must be losing my senses, since I left those spawn of the devil cards in the game and proceeded to play with the 8, 6 and 4 year old plus allowing the 2 year old to have “turns” and a little gingerbread guy play piece which he proceeded to crash into everyone else’s little gingerbread guy on the board so we were forever trying to figure out which square they really belonged on. But it was early in the day and Grandma was pretty mellowed out…..
Now, my grands are pretty smart kids, but somehow they can never remember whose turn it is and so Gramma who can’t remember the 6 yr. old’s name and keeps calling her the 4 yr. old’s name EVERY SINGLE TIME, has to tell each one, each time, that it is their turn…..(if I had a dollar for every time I said, “okay Avril, I mean LOLA, it is your turn…I could fill my swimming pool full of the expensive kind of gin instead of that crap Seagrams…but I digress…).
After a rousing game of Candy Land that resulted in near tears, pouting, cheating and even the kids got frustrated with it, we moved on to Chutes and Ladders.
WARNING: DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME WITH CHILDREN WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF MOVING YOUR PERSON IN A MATHEMATICAL CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER. IF YOU DO NOT HEED THIS WARNING, DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU HIT THE BOTTLE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, PEOPLE.
And this game comes with a cardboard spinner….which is a device created to frustrate even the most nimble-handed folks but add chubby fingers and a lack of spinner experience and you have a game straight from the pit of hell itself. (I am pretty sure that the makers of children’s games are all Satanists and this is their way of recruiting sinners to their fold).
I think I must have a masochistic streak in me since I also play the card games: War, Go Fish, Old Maid, Crazy Eights, Memory (HA…how ironic…..I can’t remember my own granddaughter’s name let alone where the damn cow is hidden among 100 other animal cards) and Kings In A Corner. I cannot wait until they can add well enough to play cribbage, at least then there is a timely end to the game and I will only have to tell ONE child that it is their turn 100 times durning the game…..
Seriously….these games and plenty more (Connect Four….why don’t we just poke our eyes out so we don’t have to pretend we don’t see the child making the same moves over and over and over again and letting them win each time because we are grandparents not some soul-crushing monster…..) are in reality drinking games meant for adults.
Stay with me here…..how fun to play SORRY and every time you don’t get a 1 or a 2 to get out of START you get to take a drink….every time someone knocks you off the board and back to START, you get to take a drink; someone gets a SORRY card, they get to take a drink…..you can see where I am going with this……Candyland…get sent back to Sugar Swamp…yippee….take a drink…..have to fall down a Chute….every else gets to take a drink but not you…..hit a Ladder and you get to drink but no one else does…..
Oh my gosh, can you imagine the fun adults can have and they don’t even know it. Well, thanks to me and my mental health sacrifice of last week, you now have the knowledge….and you can thank me by sending me a bottle of the GOOD gin. It will get me through the next round of babysitting the Fearsome Foursome. (For those that are thinking, “Does she really drink when her grands are there?”….No, of course not…but the second they pull out of the driveway…..well, who knows……)
Oh what I don’t do for you people……
Your gin rummy Queen