THE FAMOUS AND THEIR FARTS

I know, I know, enough with the farts but I can’t sleep and was thinking how certain stars might fart and I just had to put in on “paper” for posterity!

Brad Pitt-soft, laid-back, smells like weed

Angelina Jolie-small pops, each smelling like a different country

Madonna-sharp, machine gun like.  If something is behind her it will be injured.

Mitt Romney-can’t fart with stick up his butt

Obama-has someone fart for him so he can deny any knowledge of it.

Russell Crowe-full bodied, lager scented

Katy Perry-lyrical pops, fruity smell

Kim Kardashian-feminine fluffs, smells like money

Joan Rivers-squeaky sounds but comes out of ears since everything has been lifted repeatedly, moth ball smell

Usher-soulful sounds, expensive cologne scent

Justin Bieber-youthful rat-tat-tats, juicy fruit flavor

Martha Stewart-silent, smells of potpourri

Michael Phelps-wet ones, chlorinated

Queen Elizabeth-wizened tweets, reeks of centuries of history

David Copperfield-silent, scent disappears

Will Ferrell-loud, obnoxious, popcorn smell

Adam Sandler-see above

David Spade-see above

Rob Schneider-see above

Steven Tyler-old man sounds, patchouli

This was so much fun but I am exhausted so I will continue soon but please feel free to add your own to this list!

THE FART

Flatuence, gas, tooting, ripping, cutting the cheese, breaking wind, fluffing, passing gas, butt burps and my personal favorite, blowing the butt bugle.  Do you know there is a Fart Thesaurus?  It is astounding how many other words there are for flatus.  You gotta take a few minutes and look it up!

Why am I writing about this tonight?  I’ve always heard you should write about what you know and I know I get gas.  As a matter of fact, I have it right now and since I am at work and the apartment is as still as death, I am at a terrible disadvantage.  My client is in her bedroom just a room away and for an elderly person she has great hearing and so if I try to release some of the pressure and it’s a “loud but scent-free”, she will hear it and I will be embarrassed.  A “silent, but deadly” would be ok but that’s the trouble with butt burps, you never know how they are going to come out.

So let’s talk about the different kinds of farts there are.  First you have the little “pffffts”, soft and delicate, not normally aromatic.  These are good for most social situations where there is some noise.  Let out some of these and no one will be the wiser. Then you have the “putt putts”, short bursts of semi-quiet, not smelly farts.  Children often have these.   And old people as they walk, which I think actually propels them forward.

Men have their own types of farts in which games are made of.  “Pull my finger/toe/foot” is an old game.  The farter asks the victim to pull a body part and when the person (almost always a child) does so, a loud fart is heard,  scaring the child and scarring them for life.   Men also seem to like to lift a leg while farting.  One wonders what would happen if they didn’t lift, would they rise above their chairs like hot air balloons?  Another tactic is to be walking  and start wiggling in their pants like they are trying to shake something down their leg.  Or when walking in public, to fart and then to turn around and look  (like they heard it but didn’t do it).  Married men like to torture their mates by farting in bed and then waving the sheets to evacuate the stench from under the covers.  Or while driving in the car and letting loose with a SBD and saying there must be something outside as the mate gasps for breath. Women seem to do more “fluff and flee”.  How many times have you been in a store and walked into a cloud of “eggsalad air”?  Or worse, been at a party talking to a group and one of the women lets loose and either casually walks away before the full odor materializes, or stays but is bold enough not to blush.  Everyone stands around wondering who did it and hoping no one thinks it was them.  And what about the times you were by yourself and let one rip and someone walks in.  “Did they hear it?”   And what about the smell?  If you are lucky there is a dog in the room.  Dogs are always letting loose with some of the foulest gas known to mankind.  Blame the dog.  Or the baby.  Kids won’t stand by and be blamed without ratting on you.  As a matter of fact, kids have been known to fart loudly and then turn to a parent and say in a loud voice, “MOM!”     We can’t forget the other types of farts either; the balloon~sounds like air being slowly let out of a balloon; the sharp “POP”~when someone I know does this in bed, it scares the crap out of me;  the long, long. long fart~this one usually follows a night at a friend’s home where the gas has been building up for hours and you have had no way to let it out until you get into your car and you are headed down the driveway.  It goes on and on and on and you think it will never end and you will turn yourself inside out before it is over.  Thank goodness those are never stinky cause you would kill everyone in the car; the “was it just gas or do I need to change?” fart~I’m sure everyone has had one of these. I must admit to having to change more than once, but thankfully never out in public, tho I have known folks who had to toss their undies and head for home after having one of these wet fakes; and last but not least, the bomber~this is the one that makes boys laugh and is in all SNL alumni movies……all of them.

So there you have it, a layman’s guide to flatuence.   Everything you never wanted to know and oh, so much more.  It’s almost 4am, I still have gas and so I am going to go and read the Fart Thesaurus and hope that something kicks on to make some noise so I can sneak some gas out before morning or I’ll be a walking pressure cooker!

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN ADVERTISING

Instead of doing anything constructive this afternoon, I’ve decided to match up song titles with organizations or companies for a whole new look at “truth in advertising”!   Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Match.com=ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE, WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM

ASPCA=WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

The National Weather Service=HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RAIN/WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN/WHO LOVES THE SUN

Sex Addicts Annonymous=WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME TOMORROW/HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE/ARE YOU EXPERIENCED/WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT

FTD=WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE

Map Quest=DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE/HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN BEFORE THEY CALL HIM A MAN

E Harmony=DON’T YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE, DON’T YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO LOVE, WOULDN’T YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TO LOVE/IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH HIM/ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT

AMA=DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HURT ME/WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED/WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE PIECES OF A BROKEN HEART

AA=WHO AM I/WHAT’S GOING ON/WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR

Sex Offenders Relocation Program=WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR/WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS/WHY CAN’T I TOUCH IT

DNR=WHO’S AFRAID OF THE BIG, BAD WOLF?

Hair For Men Club=DO YA THINK I’M SEXY/WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I

ABA=WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE/WHOSE BED HAVE YOUR BOOTS BEEN UNDER/WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO

The American Mental Health Association=WHY ME/WHY  NOT ME/WHAT DO THE SIMPLE FOLK DO

OCD Association=SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO

Humane Society=HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW/WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT/IF YOU LEAVE ME CAN I COME TOO/WHEN WILL I BE LOVED

ACS=WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS

Makers of antidepressants=WHY WORRY, BE HAPPY

Zulu Time Zone=DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, DOES ANYBODY REALLY CARE

READERS OF THIS BLOG=IS THAT ALL THERE IS?