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My Super Power is in Maximum OverDrive…

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I never asked for this power.  If given a choice, I would have chosen reading minds as my power and then my marriage would be so much easier.  But no one asked me. One day it just showed up.  At first, I thought it was a weird snafu but as time went on and more and more things started to happen, I occurred to me that this indeed was my super power.

This past weekend I had the power to make my new (new to us…2006) SUV go all postal and start to make sounds I can only assume were mating calls.  I had only driven it that day and I had no idea of the bells and whistles (literally) it had on it.  All I wanted to do was use the fobby-thing to lock my door.  It seemed simple enough.  There was a typical Yale lock icon and below it an unlocked Yale lock button so I gathered up all my knowledge of 63 plus years and pressed the button expecting the door to lock and maybe a shy, little, beep to follow, letting me know, it indeed was locked.  Well ya’ll can imagine my surprise when she started to hoop and holler and the lights were all a’blinkin…dang near gave me a heart attack.  So I looked on the back of the fobby-thing and there was a red PANIC button and since I was panicked, I pushed it thinking it would stop all this caterwauling….nay, nay….it just added more noises to the mix.  So I thought maybe it was voice activated, so I start yelling, “STOP< STOP<NO<NO” but it must not be the right thing to say since it did not stop it.  SO I did what any person in their right minds would do…I started hitting every button on the fobby-thing and one of them made it shut up…..UNTIL I went to try the door and the stupid noise started again.  So I pressed more buttons until it stopped and then said the heck with it cause by now my blood pressure was sky high.  Five days later and I still haven’t had the courage to try it again.

My power has now affected my WiFi device.  Until two weeks ago, it was working just fine on my newer ipad and POOF just like that, my power leaked out of me and I no longer have my WiFi connection.  My ipad refuses to believe that I know the right password for the little device that brings all that lovely internet service to it.  I keep putting in the right password, and it keeps rejecting me.  It is making me drink more.  But on the bright side of this, my old ipad is up and running on WiFi like a champ….figure that one out if you will.

Today I took myself to Best Buy to find out how long a sales person could handle me and my power before passing me off to someone else.  I went through three people.  It might be a personal record for me.

Two lovely young women were so helpful (one was on her first day in Mobile….she may have gone back to Customer Service….)I explained to them that I wanted a new phone but nothing fancy and I wanted unlimited data so I could watch movies, etc. on my ipad since we only have free tv at the house and I am getting way too familiar with how to kill people since I usually only watch ION Television.  And I wanted to be taken off my husband’s phone plan since we have half of Texas on it and the Mister keeps telling me I AM using up all the data.  But before they can set me up with the phone I was told I should get (A big shout out to my cousin’s wife for taking the time to talk to me last weekend about phones…Thanks Fish!) I had to go and screw up the rep from Apple with my tales of how my power messed up the WiFi at the house.  He told me to do what I had already tried and was kerfluffled at why it would do what it did.  He blamed it on the “Hot spot thingy” we have at home since it would connect to the Best Buy wifi.  So I am still without wifi…..I think…..

 

3BE4CBB6-2F7F-4CC1-9BCD-DF30BF69E66BSo once we got everything sorted out, one of the ladies asked me if I want all my info from my old phone on my new phone.  I was shocked that they could do that since my old phone is really old but she reassured me that she could do it so after 45 minutes it was done and another person came over and he was doing whatever he needed to do to make it work and he asked me for my password.  I looked at the phone and my power had made it ask for the OLD password from the OLD email address I had had years ago and who in the heck can remember passwords from then?  I told him I had no idea what it was since it was back from years ago and then my powers shot from my mouth to the phone and locked it up so it would not do anything.  Nothing. Nada.  Zip. Zilch.  And all I could do was laugh because THIS IS MY FREAKIN’ LIFE people.  Doesn’t matter what it is….if it is electrical, it gets screwed up by my freakish energy field.  He had to take it over the the Apple Rep to see if he could figure it out.  When he came back with a look of bewilderment on his face, I told him to just delete EVERYTHING that had come from my old phone.  I would manually add back my contacts, etc.  I was terrified I was going to leave the store with a faulty phone.  I can be bold but not when it comes to technology.  I do not understand it one iota so to argue with someone over something techie is so out of my league.  But he was able to clear everything and now I have a brand spanking new (it is an iphone SE which is just after the 6 so I am still way behind) but as long as I can take photos and post to facebook and Instagram and watch movies on my ipad, I will be a happy camper.   We will see……

I had to pay for the phone and the case so they rang me up and I wrote a check….and they processed it and it came back DENIED.  WHAT THE HECK?  I had just deposited a chunk of cash and gotten the slip with my balance on it and I knew unless I had left my body and flew to Amazon Headquarters and bought a bunch of stuff, there was a ton (okay, not a Khardashian ton, but a ton for “all I have is my old age money” me) of money in my account.  How can I be out of money?  So I gave them my debit card and it only had enough money for part of the payment.  WHAT IS HAPPENING?  I was mortified.  Thankfully, I had some cash so I was able to purchase my phone and case but I was so confused over why my money was not available.  Was my power that strong that is could break Best Buy’s cash register?  (I have broken brand new giant moving dental x-ray machines so I suppose it was possible.).  I was so befuddled that I drove to my next appointment in a haze and what should have been an in and out situation, was delayed by the guy in the office being out and the other man trying to call him and my agent not answering his phone and no one knew quite what to do.  They finally decided that I could take the policy and if the agent needed more information he could call me (tho, I am not sure if I gave them my new number correctly….I had just had my phone for less than 30 min and I had not written down the new number because “I’ll remember it”……..)

Fast trip up to Michaels, where when I went to check out and they asked if I was in their rewards program and I said I thought I was, they checked both my old numbers and of course, I was NOT so I gave them my NEW cell phone number and they said that that number was already in their system!!!!   OH DEAR GOD….all I wanted to do was rush home and have a bean burrito and a BIG adult beverage and watch a movie on my ipad with the unlimited data and not think about my super power anymore today.  I can see why Peter Parker wanted to chuck all his Spidey stuff and just be normal.  This Super Power crap is for the birds………

I want to go back to the “Dark Ages” where phones had cords, cash registers only had numbers, radios were only AM/FM, TV’s had four channels and a remote that only had ON/OFF and Volume and Channels controls and you put records on the HiFi and we only dreamt about phones where you could see people on them……..

Queen who longs for the “good old days”

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News from The Lumberjack & The Gypsy

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My shop (The Lumberjack & The Gypsy) is just about ready for a Grand Opening Weekend. This goofy Minnesota weather has delayed me a bit as well as a host of other things but once I get the outside painted and the decking stenciled….I will have it. Of course, it has been open for business […]

via Just About Ready for Grand Opening…… — The Lumberjack & The Gypsy

Lost Photo Ops Today

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I am NEVER camera ready….ah..both physically (you will rarely ever see me with make-up in a photo taken at my house at a gathering because I am “time challenged” and am honestly stepping out of the shower as guest arrive, so there is no time to put on “my face”) and literally (oh, how this word is misused and abused).

Today was no exception.

I was driving to my studio (how fun is that to say!!!!) and I noticed off to the side of the highway,~a tall, stately, bright yellow sunflower growing on a septic mound.  Immediately the thought I had was, “If a sunflower can grow so beautifully straight and tall on a pile of sh*t, there is hope for me”.   It was like a sign from God that all the troubles we are going through at this moment, and they are seemingly insurmountable, are like that septic mound and by God’s grace and mercy,  I can “bloom majestically”  where I am in life.  I cannot tell you how much peace I felt in that moment.

My second missed photo op came later down the highway, when I noticed a gathering of horses and cattle, up on a hill, surrounded by farming equipment and just before the old wire fencing, stood an American flag.  Out in the middle of nowhere.  To me, that message was, “THIS is the real America, not the political disaster going on in Washington, not the ugliness of this group of people hating that group of people, not the latest saga of celebrity divorces or break-ups or melt downs, but REAL every day life.”

I tell ya, I got all choked up and teary-eyed and felt such love for my country and the good people who live in it and for all those hard working farmers and small business owners and emergency personnel and nurses and doctors and every other person who works for the good of the “whole”, not just for themselves.

I wish I would have stopped and taken the photos with my ipad so you might feel what I did, or better yet, your own set of “feels”.

Maybe next time…..

The Queen of Missed Opportunities

Gramma’s Gone Green (for reals)

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August’s birthstone is Peridot and in honor of all of you who have birthday’s this month (Diane B!), I have gone green.  Can’t say it is exactly Peridot but hey, a girl has to make do with whatever is out in the marketplace so PRETEND it is Peridot green, for my sake.

I also styled my hair in my own creation which is a mix of ocean wave and…..well, whatever.  Not sure if it will start any new trends but I’m rockin’ it today (at least in my own mind….where, if I think of it…I tend to rock a lot of things but not everyone seems to see it that way….hmmmm)

So what do you think?  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not easily offended so tell the truth.  This is the first time ever for me to have totally green hair and I think I like it!

For anyone who cares, I used Directions dye in Spring Green over freshly bleached hair.

Off now to stop some traffic….oh,wait, I guess green is “GO”…hope no one gets hurt by confusing me with a traffic light….cause we are both tall and slender…(in my world, I am, so don’t rain on my parade!)

Love from The Green Queen

Karma…another name for Mother

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IMG_1539Anyone who knows me and my sister, knows we love to tease our Mama about her “ditziness” and the way she can mess up stories and calls things like assisted living-“assistant living” or Dinty Moore Stew-“Dainty Moore”….stuff like that.  Our sleepovers always end up with Mother saying she is never going to come again cause we are mean to her.

Well Karma showed up this week and it was a b*tch.

I was driving to our business and as usual my phone was in my purse.  I cannot multi-task anymore so talking on the phone and driving are a no-no for me.  I am 3 minutes away from the business when my hubs calls me (I know it is him cause he is on a special ringtone).  I am thinking he just wants to know if I am on my way so I ignore it as I will be there before I could dig out my phone and answer it.  One minute later he calls again, which ticks me off because if I didn’t answer it one minute ago, why should I answer it now?  So I am thinking of all the reasons he might be trying to get me and I turn right on to what I thought was old Hwy 61 and I see a woman in the lane that I am supposed to be in and  I stop and I am thinking, “What a moron….she is in the wrong lane” and she looks at me with the exact same look on her face and starts starts waving her arms and shaking her head, “NO”.  So I am thinking, “WTH, lady?” and then I see the NO ENTRANCE sign.

I was trying to go up the EXIT ramp of I-35!

The next day I have a doctor appointment for a pre-op physical and my clinic has moved since my last visit and I THOUGHT I knew where it was but at the exact minute I am supposed to be there, I am sitting in the Hobby Lobby parking lot…lost.  So I call and get an exasperated receptionist (they must get a lot of these kind of calls and probably think we are idiots and why didn’t we leave home sooner if we don’t know where in the heck we are going).  She tells me they are located across the street from Hom Furnishings.

I don’t get out much and I am not exactly sure how to get from Hobby Lobby to Hom but I was not about to ask….I knew it was somewhere by Walmart.  Is there anything more frustrating to be able to see a place from the road you are on and not be able to find the damn road to get there.  Finally after pure luck, I pull into the clinic parking lot and race in where the receptionist tells me in a very cool (and I don’t mean “awesome”) voice that she will have to try to squeeze me in since I was LATE.  I thought about telling her that I was lost but since this is a very small town and I have lived in it my whole 62 years and getting lost is just not that easy,  I just sat down quietly.  Much to my surprise, I was called in very shortly and then began to worry that my blood pressure would be high because of all the stress of getting there.

So the nurse has me sit down and asks a few questions and then takes my pressure.  Normally when they do that, I can feel when the cuff deflates to the upper number of the pressure, since it sort of throbs…..but not this time.  I figured she didn’t pump it up high enough and holy crap, it will be sky high but instead she tells me that she thinks it is 106/72 but it is very soft and she had a hard time hearing it.  This is a first for me.  My pressure is never that low even on drugs.  Which made me start to wonder if I really did get on that exit ramp and had been killed and now I was in hell and I would have to go the doctor, get lost and have no blood pressure for all of eternity.  She asks if it would be OK if she tried the other arm.  (Now, if you are a dedicated reader, you will remember that I “broke” the blood pressure machine in the day surgery when I was in for my hysterectomy and they could not find any pressure in either arm for awhile) so I am thinking….here we go again…my personal “aura” is screwing up another thing and sure enough…..she can’t really hear my pressure in the other arm either.  I know my arms are fat, but still…..

To make this story even longer….the doctor comes in and we go through everything that is on the computer ending with my last operation….the hysterectomy.  Then she has me get up on the table and she looks in my ears and has me open my mouth wide and looks down my throat.  When she is done, she looks at me quizzicality and says, “Where you born without a uvula or did you have it removed’?

Now remember, we had just been talking about my hysterectomy and I think, “Holy sh*t, I knew they removed everything including my cervix but why on earth would they have taken my “Vulva” and could she really see that from looking down my throat?  So I say, “Well, I just had a hysterectomy but why would they take that”?  And she looks at me like, “What the he!! kind of moron are you”?

Mother, I sincerely apologize for everytime I laughed at your expense.  Now, please tell Karma to back off or go visit your other daughter who also has laughed her fool head off at you!

Moral of this story is….What you laugh at will come back to bite you on your uvula or vulva…..and it won’t be pretty!

Your penitent Queen,

Robyn

Just A Spoonful of Sugar or Is It?

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Once upon a time there was a delusional woman who thought she could make freezer jam.  Seemed simple enough.  Strawberries, pectin, sugar, cook it up and put it in cute little canning jars and freeze.  Yup, even she could do it.

So she went and picked strawberries….who knew that you have to be there EARLY in the day and that you are to bring your own containers…these things should be in the newspaper ads (this was before Al Gore invented the internet and we used to have these things called “newspapers”….can you say….. news…paper….good job) so those of us that had never picked before could come prepared….not everyone knows these kind of things,  you know.

Picking strawberries seems like such an idyllic endeavor; there you are in your bonnet and strawberry-picking basket and the birds are trilling away and you are feeling like Ma Ingalls….but in reality, you are all bent over and mosquitoes are buzzing around your face and biting you everywhere they can find your pink flesh and gnats are getting into your eyes and ears and you are cursing Ma and the strawberry farm….there ought to be WARNING signs up so you know what you will be facing.

After a horrific  20 minutes you check your berry basket to find that you have picked a grand total of 43 strawberries and you decide to say the devil with picking your own and head off to check out and buy the stupid berries.

Having never bought fresh strawberries before, there is a bit of sticker shock at the price of one flat of berries.  But hubby will be so pleased at having homemade strawberry jelly that certainly spending half of that week’s food budget won’t bother him once he bites into a piece of freshly baked bread (another delusion) slathered with strawberry jam made by his wife’s tiny hands (delusion…they are like tiny stuffed sausages stuck on ham hocks).

So she drives the 50 miles back home and gathers all her supplies and reads the directions for Easy Strawberry Freezer Jam (liars).  One must sterilize the canning jars before beginning (are they neutered or spayed?) So she loads them up in her giant canning pot and cooks the hell out of them and then gingerly lays them upside down on an equally sterile dish towel.  Now to de-stem the ruby-red jewels that lay helter-skelter in the wooden flat.  After all that work, now they need to be rinsed off and chopped up.  The little woman decides that this is a one-time deal and old hubby better damn well bow down and kiss her feet (or at least rub them) for doing all this work for some stupid jam.

When the woman was gathering her supplies, she grabbed the Tupperware container that held the sugar and proceeded to pour in the correct amount into the berries and the pectin and cooked them all up into a mouth-watering thick confection of strawberry gooeyness.

Next, she ladled the mixture into her sterile little jars and sealed them tight and was delighted to hear the little “pops” of the tops sealing.  She felt so proud of herself as she looked over the dozens of little jars, all popping away.  Oh, her husband would be so proud of her and even though she would never speak of it, she was kinda proud of herself.

The next day, she put all those precious, ten dollars a half pint, jars of jam into the freezer to await a special occasion when she could bring one out and exclaim, “Why, yes, I did make the jam myself”!

A few days later, her nephew was visiting for dinner and it was time to bring out a jar of jelly.  Every one was seated and grace was said and the woman heaped jelly onto a hot bun and took a big bite just as her nephew was doing the same…..but instead of a mouthful of delectable sweetness, it was poisoned and the woman screamed to her nephew, as he was just opening his mouth to take a bite, “Don’t eat that!!!  It’s poisoned!”  (She just knew if she canned she would end of giving her family botulism because her mother always warned her of the dangers of home canning and dang, if she hadn’t almost killed her nephew!!!!)

All that beautiful and expensive jam had to be thrown away because as she figured out days later, she had accidentally grabbed her husband’s CANNING SALT instead of sugar.

Moral of this story…..label your Tupperware.

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Give Me a Lift…..

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img_1355I never knew I made noise getting up until my first grandchild was about two and everytime he got up from sitting or moved something or did any kind of lifting, he would make these sounds of extreme effort.  I thought it was quite odd in such a young child until one day when I was lifting my fat arse off the couch, I made a sound very similar to Jack and then the proverbial light bulb went off in my head.

Jack was imitating the noises he had heard me make whenever I had to “move it, move it” (did you just sing it like the King Lemur Julien from Madagascar?)

How long had I been doing that?  Do I do it in front of others?

Getting older has not been pleasant for me in terms of both my physical limitations and my mental state.  I just cannot wrap my mind around being in my early 60’s…it just seems impossible for the young girl inside me to be that age in body.

But my body is certainly trying to convince my brain we are the same age.

Besides the huffing and puffing (you would huff and puff too, if you were carrying the extra weight of a full-size human around), it seems every part of my body that could sag or hang has decided to give up the ghost of fighting gravity and is racing towards my knees….even those things that are supposed to be stationary inside my body.  My bladder has decided it would like to see the light of day and it is fighting like hell to get out and since I have gotten rid of my lady parts in my Southern Hemisphere, it has clear sailing to someday pop out and say, “Surprise”!   Not that it will really be a surprise as it is certainly giving me clues as to it’s trajectory.  I am afraid I will soon be asking my youngest granddaughter for her Dora the Explorer pull-ups.

Is there truly any way to tighten the bat wings which have now become my upper arms?  I would trade a kidney (tho, I better hang on to both since they are not working up to snuff and two bad kidneys I suppose are better than one bad kidney) to get an upper arm lift. Actually I need a full on body lift.  Like how “Egger” from the first Men In Black movie just grabbed the top of his head and lifted all his excess skin.  Why is there not a need for more human skin.  I would be first in line if they needed it.  Go ahead, cut a slab off here and there….just make sure you cut both sides the same….liposuction ain’t gonna help me none since once the fat is gone, I would have miles and miles of defatted skin…..

If I had known I really would live this long, I might have taken better care of my body…key word here folks is: Might.   Because when you are young and everything is where it should be and nothing is hanging, you never give a thought to how fast you will age and if it hangs at 35, watch out at 62….

People will tell you that “you are never too old to start getting healthy or in shape” but that’s a load of crap.  Which is harder on a body, staying the same or starting to stress it out by not eating your favorite foods, giving up drinking, and taking long walks when the thought of falling is paramount in your mind and you just shuffle down the road in your crocs, hoping against hope that your bladder will stay put, you won’t sneeze or cough, and nobody you know will drive by.  I don’t think my heart could handle that kind of stress.

I just want to wake up some morning fit as a fiddle and as long as I am feeling delusional, I might as well wake up with a taunt neck, unspeckled skin, with upper arms like Michelle, and a body like JLo and legs like Taylor.  And a Kim K. bank account ( I would have said an Oprah bank account but that would be just crazy thinking).

I would love to continue chatting but I must go pluck those eyelash hairs that have transplanted themselves to my chin….how do they do that?

Keeping my chins up till next time,

Your aging Queen