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Games that are really made for Adults

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Ooooo, it’s been quite a while since I have had a good rant so after babysitting the Fearsome Foursome this past week for two days, I have much to rant about!

I am not a Grandma that likes playing house (I do not play house even when I have no grands here….I play, ” What do you mean, what’s for dinner?” and “How should I know if you have any clean underwear, I don’t wear it!” and my personal favorite, “If you see that it is dirty/dusty/scummy/cruddy, then clean it off, cause obviously either I can’t see it or I don’t really care!”) or rolling around on the floor (if I am on the floor, it can only mean that I fell and the words that are coming out of my mouth are not for the tiny, pure ears of my grands) but I do enjoy playing card games or board games…..for a time.

I picked up both Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders at a rummage sale to play with the kids and even though I should know better, after all I did work with preschoolers for ten years and you can not even begin to imagine how many games of Candy Land I have played in my life. When my own daughter was young, I was still smart and even before we played it for the first time, I took out those demon cards that send you either forward or backward because life is not long enough to play that game!

But I must be losing my senses, since I left those spawn of the devil cards in the game and proceeded to play with the 8, 6 and 4 year old plus allowing the 2 year old to have “turns” and a little gingerbread guy play piece which he proceeded to crash into everyone else’s little gingerbread guy on the board so we were forever trying to figure out which square they really belonged on. But it was early in the day and Grandma was pretty mellowed out…..

Now, my grands are pretty smart kids, but somehow they can never remember whose turn it is and so Gramma who can’t remember the 6 yr. old’s name and keeps calling her the 4 yr. old’s name EVERY SINGLE TIME, has to tell each one, each time, that it is their turn…..(if I had a dollar for every time I said, “okay Avril, I mean LOLA, it is your turn…I could fill my swimming pool full of the expensive kind of gin instead of that crap Seagrams…but I digress…).

After a rousing game of Candy Land that resulted in near tears, pouting, cheating and even the kids got frustrated with it, we moved on to Chutes and Ladders.

WARNING: DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME WITH CHILDREN WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF MOVING YOUR PERSON IN A MATHEMATICAL CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER. IF YOU DO NOT HEED THIS WARNING, DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU HIT THE BOTTLE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, PEOPLE.

And this game comes with a cardboard spinner….which is a device created to frustrate even the most nimble-handed folks but add chubby fingers and a lack of spinner experience and you have a game straight from the pit of hell itself. (I am pretty sure that the makers of children’s games are all Satanists and this is their way of recruiting sinners to their fold).

I think I must have a masochistic streak in me since I also play the card games: War, Go Fish, Old Maid, Crazy Eights, Memory (HA…how ironic…..I can’t remember my own granddaughter’s name let alone where the damn cow is hidden among 100 other animal cards) and Kings In A Corner. I cannot wait until they can add well enough to play cribbage, at least then there is a timely end to the game and I will only have to tell ONE child that it is their turn 100 times durning the game…..

Seriously….these games and plenty more (Connect Four….why don’t we just poke our eyes out so we don’t have to pretend we don’t see the child making the same moves over and over and over again and letting them win each time because we are grandparents not some soul-crushing monster…..) are in reality drinking games meant for adults.

Stay with me here…..how fun to play SORRY and every time you don’t get a 1 or a 2 to get out of START you get to take a drink….every time someone knocks you off the board and back to START, you get to take a drink; someone gets a SORRY card, they get to take a drink…..you can see where I am going with this……Candyland…get sent back to Sugar Swamp…yippee….take a drink…..have to fall down a Chute….every else gets to take a drink but not you…..hit a Ladder and you get to drink but no one else does…..

Oh my gosh, can you imagine the fun adults can have and they don’t even know it. Well, thanks to me and my mental health sacrifice of last week, you now have the knowledge….and you can thank me by sending me a bottle of the GOOD gin. It will get me through the next round of babysitting the Fearsome Foursome. (For those that are thinking, “Does she really drink when her grands are there?”….No, of course not…but the second they pull out of the driveway…..well, who knows……)

Oh what I don’t do for you people……

Your gin rummy Queen

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All the King’s Winches and All the Kings Lifts, Couldn’t get the Queen off her Throne……

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I almost died today.

Well, I could have died.

But I lived to tell the tale and tell it I will…….

The King and I are babysitting the 6 year old and the 2 year old. The King and the Princess were out on the royal 4-wheeler and the Queen was trying to entertain the little Prince. Both the King and the Queen are running on just a snooze here and a snooze there, since the big royal bed was occupied last night by not only the King and the Super-Sized Queen but also the 4 year old Princess and the little Prince. I do not know if there is a bed in the whole kingdom that would be big enough for the young nocturnal royal tumblers and martial art moves they made. The Queen resorted to putting her head down by the Kings feet and her feet making a ledge up at the little Prince’s body so he would not roll out of the bed and smack his royal noggin on the hard floor. It was a night filled with lots of big sighs, loud cries, tossing and turning and yes, the little royals did move around a bit, too.

After many attempts to humor the small Prince, the Great Queen decides that all children love to play in water and so she filled up a bin and threw some kitchen utensils in it and out on the big deck they headed. But wait….The Great Queen looked out and on the deck were three broken eggs. The Queen’s first thought was why on earth did the King throw eggshells out on the deck (the Queen always blames the King first…it just is easier to presume his guilt) but then the Great Queen looked closer and realized that they were pretty tiny eggs and figured out that there was a bird’s nest right above the sliding glass doors out to the Great deck and so the birdies must have hatched and the momma and poppa birds would not be happy to have the Great Queen and the little Prince out there disturbing their children.

Luckily, the King built a smaller deck which no one ever uses except the dog and so the Great Queen and the little Prince went out there to play in the water. This deck faces South and so the sun was beating down and the Great Queen hates the sun but will do most anything to make her royal grands happy so she found a bit of shade made by the plastic lattice that surrounds the deck and pulled a very old, but very funky, metal chair over by the little Prince and proceeded to put her very large royal throne warmer down on the chair.

Well, quicker than the Great Queen could even think, down she went with a great crash and she was balanced precariously between the deck and the ground below. It seems not only was the chair old but so was the wood that holds the plastic lattice in place!

The Great Queen quickly ascertained that she was stuck and stuck good. No matter how she tried to get up out of the broken chair, she could not. Her very large throne warmer was hanging over the edge of the deck as was her back and head and her legs were knees to the sky. The Great Queen said aloud, “My, my I seem to be in quite a pickle” and then she began to laugh because these kind of things always seem to happen to the Queen. But as the afternoon sun beat down on her and the little Prince, she stopped laughing and began to become distressed as she had no idea as to how long the King and Princess would be gone and she was getting concerned that the little Prince might be getting too much sun (and she was hotter than the home of the devil) and so the Great Queen thought over her options.

Her neighbors might be outside and could possibly hear her if she yelled for help but the Great Queen had not done anything to her hair that morning and the last time she looked in the mirror (not the magic one, her mother has that one), she looked like a punk-rock Albert Einstein and she knew that her royal assets were hanging out plumber-style and her neighbors were both young parents and she could not in good conscience subject them to the fleshy half-moon they were sure to see.

She then considered sending the 2yr old Prince in the house to look for her phone but the thought of not seeing what he could be getting into was scarier than the hot sun and the real danger of the lattice giving away and her going (as her royal father would have said) “ass over teakettle”. (What the heck does that mean anyway?…The older the Great Queen gets the weirder the sayings that made up her childhood memories become!).

And then the village idiot came and laid down right next to her, making any kind of Ninja move impossible since the idiot is beyond stubborn and will not move for anything once she sets herself down (and no, I am not talking about my mother….how rude of you even to think that). The Queen was suddenly grateful that the idiot had not tried to jump on the Queen because they both would have gone over the edge with a stream of blue language following them. Which, of course, the little Prince would repeat….can’t get him to say his full name but you know he would remember “verbatim” the royal blue language!

Now, I have left out the part about the Great Queen being somewhat disabled, haven’t I? Besides being stuck in the chair, her life in the literal “balance”, she had very little use of her right hand and only half use of her left as she is awaiting surgery on both hands and her right elbow later this month so even if she had the strength in her arms to do something to help herself out, she has no hand strength! Yes, our lovely Great Queen is indeed in quite a pickle (another saying that makes no sense!!)

Now in a semi-panic state, the Queen musters up every single bit of energy her old, broken body can and grabs ahold of the 2×4 that is the cornerstone of the lattice wood and leans as far left as she can and feels the chair bending down closer to the decking but the pain in her royal left hip and throne warmer is beyond what she can endure and she falls backs in tears. “Okay fat girl, you can do this” she says to herself and with the strength and determination only a royal Babushka can understand, she rolls over the metal chair arm and on to the deck, her body screaming in pain.

SHE DID IT!!!! And three minutes later the King and the Princess roll in…….

Moral of the story: never trust a chair that has been outside for years and always have your cell phone by your side in case of a “silly selfie opportunity”.

Off now to ice the hands and the left part of body…..I am gonna have a bruise the size of Australia come tomorrow…..I think I will skip the selfie and let you all just use your imaginations!

Your triumphant but bruised Queen

My Super Power is in Maximum OverDrive…

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I never asked for this power.  If given a choice, I would have chosen reading minds as my power and then my marriage would be so much easier.  But no one asked me. One day it just showed up.  At first, I thought it was a weird snafu but as time went on and more and more things started to happen, I occurred to me that this indeed was my super power.

This past weekend I had the power to make my new (new to us…2006) SUV go all postal and start to make sounds I can only assume were mating calls.  I had only driven it that day and I had no idea of the bells and whistles (literally) it had on it.  All I wanted to do was use the fobby-thing to lock my door.  It seemed simple enough.  There was a typical Yale lock icon and below it an unlocked Yale lock button so I gathered up all my knowledge of 63 plus years and pressed the button expecting the door to lock and maybe a shy, little, beep to follow, letting me know, it indeed was locked.  Well ya’ll can imagine my surprise when she started to hoop and holler and the lights were all a’blinkin…dang near gave me a heart attack.  So I looked on the back of the fobby-thing and there was a red PANIC button and since I was panicked, I pushed it thinking it would stop all this caterwauling….nay, nay….it just added more noises to the mix.  So I thought maybe it was voice activated, so I start yelling, “STOP< STOP<NO<NO” but it must not be the right thing to say since it did not stop it.  SO I did what any person in their right minds would do…I started hitting every button on the fobby-thing and one of them made it shut up…..UNTIL I went to try the door and the stupid noise started again.  So I pressed more buttons until it stopped and then said the heck with it cause by now my blood pressure was sky high.  Five days later and I still haven’t had the courage to try it again.

My power has now affected my WiFi device.  Until two weeks ago, it was working just fine on my newer ipad and POOF just like that, my power leaked out of me and I no longer have my WiFi connection.  My ipad refuses to believe that I know the right password for the little device that brings all that lovely internet service to it.  I keep putting in the right password, and it keeps rejecting me.  It is making me drink more.  But on the bright side of this, my old ipad is up and running on WiFi like a champ….figure that one out if you will.

Today I took myself to Best Buy to find out how long a sales person could handle me and my power before passing me off to someone else.  I went through three people.  It might be a personal record for me.

Two lovely young women were so helpful (one was on her first day in Mobile….she may have gone back to Customer Service….)I explained to them that I wanted a new phone but nothing fancy and I wanted unlimited data so I could watch movies, etc. on my ipad since we only have free tv at the house and I am getting way too familiar with how to kill people since I usually only watch ION Television.  And I wanted to be taken off my husband’s phone plan since we have half of Texas on it and the Mister keeps telling me I AM using up all the data.  But before they can set me up with the phone I was told I should get (A big shout out to my cousin’s wife for taking the time to talk to me last weekend about phones…Thanks Fish!) I had to go and screw up the rep from Apple with my tales of how my power messed up the WiFi at the house.  He told me to do what I had already tried and was kerfluffled at why it would do what it did.  He blamed it on the “Hot spot thingy” we have at home since it would connect to the Best Buy wifi.  So I am still without wifi…..I think…..

 

3BE4CBB6-2F7F-4CC1-9BCD-DF30BF69E66BSo once we got everything sorted out, one of the ladies asked me if I want all my info from my old phone on my new phone.  I was shocked that they could do that since my old phone is really old but she reassured me that she could do it so after 45 minutes it was done and another person came over and he was doing whatever he needed to do to make it work and he asked me for my password.  I looked at the phone and my power had made it ask for the OLD password from the OLD email address I had had years ago and who in the heck can remember passwords from then?  I told him I had no idea what it was since it was back from years ago and then my powers shot from my mouth to the phone and locked it up so it would not do anything.  Nothing. Nada.  Zip. Zilch.  And all I could do was laugh because THIS IS MY FREAKIN’ LIFE people.  Doesn’t matter what it is….if it is electrical, it gets screwed up by my freakish energy field.  He had to take it over the the Apple Rep to see if he could figure it out.  When he came back with a look of bewilderment on his face, I told him to just delete EVERYTHING that had come from my old phone.  I would manually add back my contacts, etc.  I was terrified I was going to leave the store with a faulty phone.  I can be bold but not when it comes to technology.  I do not understand it one iota so to argue with someone over something techie is so out of my league.  But he was able to clear everything and now I have a brand spanking new (it is an iphone SE which is just after the 6 so I am still way behind) but as long as I can take photos and post to facebook and Instagram and watch movies on my ipad, I will be a happy camper.   We will see……

I had to pay for the phone and the case so they rang me up and I wrote a check….and they processed it and it came back DENIED.  WHAT THE HECK?  I had just deposited a chunk of cash and gotten the slip with my balance on it and I knew unless I had left my body and flew to Amazon Headquarters and bought a bunch of stuff, there was a ton (okay, not a Khardashian ton, but a ton for “all I have is my old age money” me) of money in my account.  How can I be out of money?  So I gave them my debit card and it only had enough money for part of the payment.  WHAT IS HAPPENING?  I was mortified.  Thankfully, I had some cash so I was able to purchase my phone and case but I was so confused over why my money was not available.  Was my power that strong that is could break Best Buy’s cash register?  (I have broken brand new giant moving dental x-ray machines so I suppose it was possible.).  I was so befuddled that I drove to my next appointment in a haze and what should have been an in and out situation, was delayed by the guy in the office being out and the other man trying to call him and my agent not answering his phone and no one knew quite what to do.  They finally decided that I could take the policy and if the agent needed more information he could call me (tho, I am not sure if I gave them my new number correctly….I had just had my phone for less than 30 min and I had not written down the new number because “I’ll remember it”……..)

Fast trip up to Michaels, where when I went to check out and they asked if I was in their rewards program and I said I thought I was, they checked both my old numbers and of course, I was NOT so I gave them my NEW cell phone number and they said that that number was already in their system!!!!   OH DEAR GOD….all I wanted to do was rush home and have a bean burrito and a BIG adult beverage and watch a movie on my ipad with the unlimited data and not think about my super power anymore today.  I can see why Peter Parker wanted to chuck all his Spidey stuff and just be normal.  This Super Power crap is for the birds………

I want to go back to the “Dark Ages” where phones had cords, cash registers only had numbers, radios were only AM/FM, TV’s had four channels and a remote that only had ON/OFF and Volume and Channels controls and you put records on the HiFi and we only dreamt about phones where you could see people on them……..

Queen who longs for the “good old days”

News from The Lumberjack & The Gypsy

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My shop (The Lumberjack & The Gypsy) is just about ready for a Grand Opening Weekend. This goofy Minnesota weather has delayed me a bit as well as a host of other things but once I get the outside painted and the decking stenciled….I will have it. Of course, it has been open for business […]

via Just About Ready for Grand Opening…… — The Lumberjack & The Gypsy

Lost Photo Ops Today

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I am NEVER camera ready….ah..both physically (you will rarely ever see me with make-up in a photo taken at my house at a gathering because I am “time challenged” and am honestly stepping out of the shower as guest arrive, so there is no time to put on “my face”) and literally (oh, how this word is misused and abused).

Today was no exception.

I was driving to my studio (how fun is that to say!!!!) and I noticed off to the side of the highway,~a tall, stately, bright yellow sunflower growing on a septic mound.  Immediately the thought I had was, “If a sunflower can grow so beautifully straight and tall on a pile of sh*t, there is hope for me”.   It was like a sign from God that all the troubles we are going through at this moment, and they are seemingly insurmountable, are like that septic mound and by God’s grace and mercy,  I can “bloom majestically”  where I am in life.  I cannot tell you how much peace I felt in that moment.

My second missed photo op came later down the highway, when I noticed a gathering of horses and cattle, up on a hill, surrounded by farming equipment and just before the old wire fencing, stood an American flag.  Out in the middle of nowhere.  To me, that message was, “THIS is the real America, not the political disaster going on in Washington, not the ugliness of this group of people hating that group of people, not the latest saga of celebrity divorces or break-ups or melt downs, but REAL every day life.”

I tell ya, I got all choked up and teary-eyed and felt such love for my country and the good people who live in it and for all those hard working farmers and small business owners and emergency personnel and nurses and doctors and every other person who works for the good of the “whole”, not just for themselves.

I wish I would have stopped and taken the photos with my ipad so you might feel what I did, or better yet, your own set of “feels”.

Maybe next time…..

The Queen of Missed Opportunities

Gramma’s Gone Green (for reals)

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August’s birthstone is Peridot and in honor of all of you who have birthday’s this month (Diane B!), I have gone green.  Can’t say it is exactly Peridot but hey, a girl has to make do with whatever is out in the marketplace so PRETEND it is Peridot green, for my sake.

I also styled my hair in my own creation which is a mix of ocean wave and…..well, whatever.  Not sure if it will start any new trends but I’m rockin’ it today (at least in my own mind….where, if I think of it…I tend to rock a lot of things but not everyone seems to see it that way….hmmmm)

So what do you think?  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not easily offended so tell the truth.  This is the first time ever for me to have totally green hair and I think I like it!

For anyone who cares, I used Directions dye in Spring Green over freshly bleached hair.

Off now to stop some traffic….oh,wait, I guess green is “GO”…hope no one gets hurt by confusing me with a traffic light….cause we are both tall and slender…(in my world, I am, so don’t rain on my parade!)

Love from The Green Queen

Karma…another name for Mother

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IMG_1539Anyone who knows me and my sister, knows we love to tease our Mama about her “ditziness” and the way she can mess up stories and calls things like assisted living-“assistant living” or Dinty Moore Stew-“Dainty Moore”….stuff like that.  Our sleepovers always end up with Mother saying she is never going to come again cause we are mean to her.

Well Karma showed up this week and it was a b*tch.

I was driving to our business and as usual my phone was in my purse.  I cannot multi-task anymore so talking on the phone and driving are a no-no for me.  I am 3 minutes away from the business when my hubs calls me (I know it is him cause he is on a special ringtone).  I am thinking he just wants to know if I am on my way so I ignore it as I will be there before I could dig out my phone and answer it.  One minute later he calls again, which ticks me off because if I didn’t answer it one minute ago, why should I answer it now?  So I am thinking of all the reasons he might be trying to get me and I turn right on to what I thought was old Hwy 61 and I see a woman in the lane that I am supposed to be in and  I stop and I am thinking, “What a moron….she is in the wrong lane” and she looks at me with the exact same look on her face and starts starts waving her arms and shaking her head, “NO”.  So I am thinking, “WTH, lady?” and then I see the NO ENTRANCE sign.

I was trying to go up the EXIT ramp of I-35!

The next day I have a doctor appointment for a pre-op physical and my clinic has moved since my last visit and I THOUGHT I knew where it was but at the exact minute I am supposed to be there, I am sitting in the Hobby Lobby parking lot…lost.  So I call and get an exasperated receptionist (they must get a lot of these kind of calls and probably think we are idiots and why didn’t we leave home sooner if we don’t know where in the heck we are going).  She tells me they are located across the street from Hom Furnishings.

I don’t get out much and I am not exactly sure how to get from Hobby Lobby to Hom but I was not about to ask….I knew it was somewhere by Walmart.  Is there anything more frustrating to be able to see a place from the road you are on and not be able to find the damn road to get there.  Finally after pure luck, I pull into the clinic parking lot and race in where the receptionist tells me in a very cool (and I don’t mean “awesome”) voice that she will have to try to squeeze me in since I was LATE.  I thought about telling her that I was lost but since this is a very small town and I have lived in it my whole 62 years and getting lost is just not that easy,  I just sat down quietly.  Much to my surprise, I was called in very shortly and then began to worry that my blood pressure would be high because of all the stress of getting there.

So the nurse has me sit down and asks a few questions and then takes my pressure.  Normally when they do that, I can feel when the cuff deflates to the upper number of the pressure, since it sort of throbs…..but not this time.  I figured she didn’t pump it up high enough and holy crap, it will be sky high but instead she tells me that she thinks it is 106/72 but it is very soft and she had a hard time hearing it.  This is a first for me.  My pressure is never that low even on drugs.  Which made me start to wonder if I really did get on that exit ramp and had been killed and now I was in hell and I would have to go the doctor, get lost and have no blood pressure for all of eternity.  She asks if it would be OK if she tried the other arm.  (Now, if you are a dedicated reader, you will remember that I “broke” the blood pressure machine in the day surgery when I was in for my hysterectomy and they could not find any pressure in either arm for awhile) so I am thinking….here we go again…my personal “aura” is screwing up another thing and sure enough…..she can’t really hear my pressure in the other arm either.  I know my arms are fat, but still…..

To make this story even longer….the doctor comes in and we go through everything that is on the computer ending with my last operation….the hysterectomy.  Then she has me get up on the table and she looks in my ears and has me open my mouth wide and looks down my throat.  When she is done, she looks at me quizzicality and says, “Where you born without a uvula or did you have it removed’?

Now remember, we had just been talking about my hysterectomy and I think, “Holy sh*t, I knew they removed everything including my cervix but why on earth would they have taken my “Vulva” and could she really see that from looking down my throat?  So I say, “Well, I just had a hysterectomy but why would they take that”?  And she looks at me like, “What the he!! kind of moron are you”?

Mother, I sincerely apologize for everytime I laughed at your expense.  Now, please tell Karma to back off or go visit your other daughter who also has laughed her fool head off at you!

Moral of this story is….What you laugh at will come back to bite you on your uvula or vulva…..and it won’t be pretty!

Your penitent Queen,

Robyn