I am a woman of syndromes. Most haven’t made it into the medical journals yet but that hasn’t stopped me from having them and giving them my own personal names. Let me share them with you and who knows, you too may have some of them and you didn’t even know it!
BUT-FIRST SYNDROME: I was first made aware of this syndrome name from an article in the newspaper. Ok, it was actually a “Pickles” comic strip but it was in the paper. But-First Syndrome is where you start to do something and then realize that you could be doing something else first as in, “I am going to do the dishes but first I’ll do a load of laundry” or my personal favorite, “I am going to diet tomorrow but first I’ll finish off that half-gallon of ice cream” and the ever popular, “I am going to clean this pig sty but first I’ll check my email/facebook page/messages”. You will know if you have this syndrome because you will be busy all day long but get nothing totally done. I’ll tell you how I cured myself but first let me finish this blog…………
SCARLETTE O’HARA SYNDROME: This is also a personal favorite. Whenever I should make a decision or think about something unpleasant or stressful, I fall into this syndrome….”I’ll think about it tomorrow. For tomorrow is another day”. I have gone many a day without actually ever thinking…just ask my husband.
TOMORROW SYNDROME: Before I had this syndrome, I weighed a normal amount but thought I could stand to lose a few pounds. That was all I needed to catch this disease. The Tomorrow Syndrome is sneaky. You decide that Tomorrow you will start to diet/quit smoking/drinking/stalking/whatever and so today you will eat all the junk in the house, smoke all the cigs you have, drink all the booze in the house, etc. because Tomorrow you are going to go cold turkey and NEVER touch sugar/cigs/booze/etc. again. The problem is I also suffer from CRS Syndrome and I wake up and first thing I do is grab a cup of coffee and splash a glub of flavored creamer in it. Halfway thru the first mug, I suddenly remember I wasn’t going to have sugar anymore. Oh Hells Bells! I have already blown it and it was only 15 minutes in. OK, I’ll start Tomorrow and see what else I should eat up before tomorrow. I have had this syndrome for years and years and have now gained as much weight as a full-sized person, in addition to those few little pounds that started the whole dang thing.
WHEN WILL I LEARN SYNDROME: I believe the definition of insanity goes something like this: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. WWIL Syndrome is a form of insanity. Not only have I never learned from my mistakes, I keep on doing the same dumb things expecting different results, over and over. Examples: see above syndromes and below syndromes, struggling to pay off credit card debit and then charging up a storm and then struggling to pay them off again and again, thinking of new ways to make money and spending money that I don’t have to buy things to make money with but never making those things again and again. It is a vicious cycle. I believe for me this is a chronic syndrome.
DAYDREAM BELIEVER SYNDROME: I bet many of you have this syndrome. It starts out innocent enough. You lay down to take your nap (what do you mean you don’t take naps?) and instead of sleeping, you lay there Daydreaming about being thinnner/richer/cooler/more wonderful/ect. and pretty soon hours have gone by and you are psyched about how great this new plan is and you can’t wait to try/do it but first you have to clean up your work room/order materials/send for that new exercise video/ect. and eventho experience will show that you never actually do what you daydreamed about, you really believe that this time it will be different.
IF I BUY IT IT WILL MOTIVATE ME SYNDROME: I live in a make-believe land where I really believe that if I spend money on something, I will use it to acheive whatever lofty goal I have set. I cannot tell you how much money I have wasted on this fantasy. It first started back when I was single and pretty thin. If I was a size 9, I would buy(charge) a bunch of wonderful clothing in a size or two smaller, thinking that by having the clothing in my possession I would be motivated to lose some weight. I know that works for some folks, but it never, ever worked for me. I had clothing from size 5 all the way up to size 14 that still had all the tags on them. Everytime I would look at them, I would get stressed out and eat more! Every so often, I would purge my closet and give away most of what I had (notice I said most…I still have my “burial outfit” that I will have to have just placed on me cause unless I waste away to practically skin and bones there ain’t no way it will fit me.) But then I would lose a pound or two and think that I was on my way to the next smaller size and I would charge up a storm buying clothes again…that didn’t fit. Again and again. To this day, I have clothes in my closet that have the tags on them that do not fit. This syndrome is terminal to my hopes of ever not working.
CHRONIC PILES SYNDROME: Not what you think. My dad had “piles” and would use PreparationH. I wish that would work for me but my piles are of a different kind. Remember “Pig Pen” from the Charlie Brown comic strip. He was the little boy who always had a whirlwind of dirt around him, well I am his female counterpart only my whirlwind is paper, books, magazines, crafts. Everywhere I go, I leave a pile of stuff. I swear I don’t know how it happens! It just appears! If my husband ever leaves me it won’t be for another woman, it will be because can’t find the house under all my piles. Sometimes my piles have piles. I am not a saver or a horder. I give away huge bags of stuff all the time….huge. I do not save newspapers or magazines or foil or string…tho I do save twisty ties cause can you ever really have enough? It would get so bad that my husband would place all my crap under my pillow and when I would go to bed, in the dark as husband always goes to bed before me, I would go to lay down and there would be this mound of stuff under my pillow. Of course, I didn’t deal with it then, so I would put it somewhere on the floor to get to it the next day (see But-First Syndrome) and it would sit there for days/weeks. A few times it was so bad that I would come home from work and walk into the house only to be greeted by the lower living room entirely filled with my piles. Filled.. No room to walk….then I find out that our Pastor and his wife stopped by for a surprise visit and husband actually let them in. Good thing we are close friends(Pastor and wife, not husband!). If I didn’t suffer from WWIL syndrome I would have remembered the time I left a pile of dirty clothes in our bathroom (including my “unmentionables”) in a rush to get out of house and up North to go camping with a friend and as luck would have it, it was Toxic Tuesday and I had relatives who had evacuated Duluth and had stopped on their way North to use my bathroom!!!! Now, is it me, or would no one’s husband have thought to check out the bathroom BEFORE letting anyone go in there? Is it just a woman thing???? I was mortified. But not mortified enough to make sure my house is in company order before I leave nowadays. Obviously. Stop by unannouced and I will probably hide in my bedroom closet until you leave. Call first so I can pick up my most embarrassing piles.
ADVICE SYNDROME: I think this one is inherited. I feel a duty to give unsolicited advice. Mostly to my family. Mostly to my daughter. And son-in-law. I try to give it to my husband but somehow he never really appreciates it as I think he should. I firmly believe I am somehow helping them by pointing out all the pitfalls/advantages of whatever I feel they should know. I tell them honestly, that I am just giving them information and they can do whatever they want after they know all the facts. After all, I am the oldest person in our family and quite well read (“People magazine counts, right?”). I am only trying to save them from the pain of making mistakes. I have made a whole shipful (can you say, Titanic) of mistakes in my 57 years so why should they make the same ones? Learn from your elders. Gee, you would think I should get some kind of reward for trying to save them….like a Bronze star or Purple heart (no disrespect to our real heroes who have truly suffered). Instead I get no respect. Oh well, even Jesus had a tough crowd in his hometown.
DISORDER DISORDER: Ok, this isn’t a syndrome but it fits here also. This is a term I coined many years ago and my husband thinks I should write a book about it. It is very similar to Adult Attention Deficit Disorder but worse. Not only am I the president of this club, I am a top ranking member. Disorder Disorder affects every area of my life. I need a special service person to follow me everywhere keeping me on track and focused. I would be the one in the harness, tho. I wander from one room to another, from one task to another, from one conversation to another never finishing anything. My lists have lists. I once bought myself a voice recorder to help me remember and I forgot to use it. Some days I meet myself coming and going and wonder who the hell is in my house. I rationalize it by telling myself I have just too much on my mind and I can’t remember it all. But this morning I was walking out of the place where I was working all night and had a moment of terror wondering if I had remembered to take off my pj bottoms and put on my pants! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to check myself from top to bottom on my way to a job hoping I remembered to put a skirt/shirt on. (I have on too many occasions had my “unmentionables” on inside out….they are usually black and I have no vision without my cheaters which I don’t wear while getting dressed so I can understand how that might happen…right?)
Well, there you have it. All my dirty syndrome secrets. Whoops, I forgot one….CRS(CAN REMEMBER SH*T) SYNDROME. Need I say more?